Daydreamed Love

CEREZA & JOVE @ Lágrimas de Angustia

When I was a boy the teacher asked what we wanted to be when we grew up,

I wanted to be something I didn't have, a father,

I wanted to be a person who could provide an endlessly flowing cup.

As the years went by, my dream seemed to get farther.

In high school, I had my first real girlfriend, I lost my virginity to her,

She didn't tell me until many years later that she miscarried with our child,

Despite the number of years that had passed, my memories of that time are not a blur,

When I heard the news, I had already lost another child, the pain in my heart grew wild.

As I drove home that warm summer night, my mind was heavy with guilt and regret,

My thoughts raced to what could have been, the ruminations grew ever darker,

Since then, it's been so many years, but when it comes to my children how could I forget?

There were nights I drew on my body, with a knife instead of a marker.

"Lost my direction. My soul's been shaken", I lost pieces of myself I couldn't recover,

Pieces of the dream I had as a boy, something I've wanted for so long,

I never thought I'd feel so low, there were new depths and demons I'd discover.

One night as I gazed over the night city, I wondered, how could things have gone so wrong?

I buried those dreams I had, buried the feelings I felt, killed the dream in my heart,

I deprived myself of the one dream I knew was mine, I was afraid to lose again,

In those days my partner and I grew apart.

The loss of our child was too much sometimes, no one should suffer that pain.

But then you came along, Taylor, in our first apartment you put the idea in my head,

Let's try for a baby, let's start this family, we were engaged and in love,

Looking back, I felt like you had breathed new life into a dream that was dead.

I fought you on the idea for so long, I told you no, one of the few times I did so,

But as time went on and it felt like you were sincere, I began to the dream that dream,

So, I spent time deep inside myself, digging up the things I had buried so they wouldn't grow,

I dug and talked to my children again, I begged for their forgiveness, I was at peace it seemed.

We tried and tried, with no success, you became frustrated by the lack of progress,

I tried to stay optimistic, after all, these things shouldn't be rushed,

But then you gave up on this dream, this idea of creating our family, I hoped it was just stress.

You really had given up though, no longer did you want me to be a father, I was crushed.

So, I drank to numb the pain, the pain of this foolish dream that went nowhere,

The childish trust I had that this was real, that this was meant to be,

I would drive away at night to allow my feelings to manifest, from my lips a prayer.

I often wonder at times, especially now that you're gone, the things I felt, did you see?

Maybe I didn't communicate what this all meant,

Maybe I didn't take the time to talk to you deeply,

I wonder if I had taken that time, would things be different than how they went?

I wanted you to love me, to hold me, to kiss me sweetly.

When you wanted something, I tried to make it happen,

Even if we argued, even if I knew it was a bad idea, I wanted to see you smile,

I said yes to things I knew would cause issues in the future, I tried to have compassion.

Despite all I did and gave, when did you last try to make me smile, it's been a while.

We aren't together now, but all those years we spent together, everything I was to you,

It's hard for me to understand how to handle that it's different now,

Despite the lengths I went to make your dreams come true, to make you feel loved too.

I hear the promises you made to me, the letters you wrote, were these not your vow?

So, we come back to this idea, of me being a provider, always ready to uplift,

Now I realize the cost this has, because I do want something in return, I want to be chosen,

I was always there for you, I tackled every problem like they were my own, I was swift.

You were there for me too, but most of our time was spent on you, but I was still broken.

There are nights I call out for you, like if you'd really come to pluck me from these depths,

I feel wrong for wanting you to rescue me, to be the person I was for you,

It makes me feel weak to need you like this, to save me from the chaos, the webs.

You don't want to be that person; I question if those promises you made were true?

Everyway- Circa Survive