Swiftdrawer's Thoughts

Loneliness

Hey readers. It's Swiftdrawer, the dark knight zombie in one life and a nerd and humble swordsman with an ordinary job in our world in the other life. Today, I am beginning showing new and interesting that will be a departure from what I normally write about which is my interdimensional adventures. Welcome to the first chapter of Swiftdrawer's Thoughts. In this side project, I will write my thoughts on a specific topic in every chapter. The length and frequency of uploading will fluctuate. The idea of this writing came to me when I was working a late shift at my ordinary job. I really wasn't working with anyone else during the final chunk of my shift and that was.. lonely. And kind of scary if I'm being honest. There were very few people around, it was so quiet and empty. I went from being pissed the day before that they were having me work so late to feeling kinda sad and lonely at work. If it weren't for the power of my own thoughts, it would have been worse. I longed to go home. I just wanted to go home. It was so dark outside. There wasn't much I could even do during the last part of my shift.

As I thought during that chunk of that time, I went in deep and admitted to myself as I had done before that deep down, I'm afraid of being truly alone and that's when I came up with writing about my fear and this thing from there. At home, when I'm home alone, I'm okay. I'm used to it. I'm an introvert. I have plushies who keep me company. I'm not almost always around dear friends and comrades like I am in my zombie body. And I can't contact any of them in our world for obvious reasons. So I am going to focus on my experiences with loneliness and my fear. That's what I need to talk about because I want to be more honest about myself to other people. My Covid writing was my first true crack at doing that but it will never be enough in any way especially since its length is a turn off for lots of potential readers. And that's okay, I put it together by myself after all and plan on making it more reader friendly by publishing a version of it where it's split up into several smaller parts. As I write these words, I listen to things such as the ending themes of various anime and they are affecting my writing speed, that's for sure. I enjoy working alone in both bodies but there's just so much I can't do on my own. I'd be so lost without others in my life to help guide and support me at least sometimes. I have much so many mistakes and I just keep making them but that's how you learn a lot of things, isn't it? My mom isn't around anymore. I have trouble communicating face to face somewhat in our world. 

There's only so much isolation I can handle. And believe me, I can handle spending a lot of time alone. But eventually, my mental health suffers if I don't really talk to anymore. I can keep myself company very well with just my own thoughts. However, that just isn't enough sometimes. I can calm myself down before I start crying or scream in rage at the evil society I live in. But again, there's only so much I can take on my own. I have so much patience built up over most of my lifetime. But sometimes, I just break down. I cry, my worries intensify until they consume my thoughts and mental state. It's been months since I last had a breakdown and I'm so glad. It took me being somewhat more social than I normally was and really figuring out my life as well as my purpose. I know what my purpose in life is now. I have to create and I have to keep creating and try to fight while surviving and getting stronger and more intelligent. I have to survive. I have to love. I have to hate what I hate. I have to feel. I'm not a robot as socially withdrawn as well as calm I've been the past few years. When I socialize enough, I get mentally exhausted. And sometimes, I just don't want to deal with people. It feels like it's just a pain to deal with others at times. But I've learned a lot in just the past 2 years despite my graduation from trade school almost 2 years ago.

At trade school, I largely kept to myself but talked to my teachers often, my peers on rare occasions, and made a friend I lost contact with sadly. I operate like a lone wolf in my thoughts and actions. I used to be really bad at asking for help a long time ago but that's no longer an issue though I try to figure out stuff myself before asking for help. I may be bit of a loner but I learned that I still need people. My dad is keeping me alive in this world of ours as we speak. He is easing my suffering by continuing to provide for me and give me a roof over my head while the costs of living continue to increase to astonishing heights here in the United Dumpster Fires of Crap that they say is the land of the free and the home of the brave. It isn't and it never truly has been. But like I said, I still need people. I need people for information, support, and guidance when I need it. This society wasn't built for people like me. During the early years of my education, I didn't have many friends. I would verbally imagine things during recess by myself. Besides the fact that that was very telling for who I would become, it goes to show there are many ways I haven't truly changed since then. I'm more of a thinker than a talker.  My mom once said that In "a man of few words" except that I'm an ENBY(non binary) and swordsman of few words. If you want to keep calling me a man despite my being non binary, I insist you call me a swordsman. That's the only kind of "man" I am. Oh and human too.