repressed love | ben hargreeves

0.2

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The Umbrella Academy, 16 years old.

He was dead. Ben was dead. I was powerless, all I could do was hold him as he died. A part of me wanted to blame him for being so reckless and stupid for getting himself killed...but another part of me blamed myself for allowing him to be so reckless. If I had been faster, maybe he would still be here. I sat in the corner of his room we were in a couple of days ago, feeling absolutely everything and nothing at the same time. I placed my head in my knees, letting all the tears out until I had none left. Who knew one person could shred your heart into pieces until nothing was left. How was that fair? I sobbed into my arms for what felt like hours, maybe longer until I managed to cry myself to sleep.

I woke with a gasp, taking in my surroundings. I was back in my room, laying in my bed. Someone must've moved me when I fell asleep, I suspected it was Mom. I got up, going into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. My own reflection was unbearable. Not because I looked terrible, with my red and sunken eyes from crying and lack of sleep, but because I couldn't look at myself. Why did I get to live? Why wasn't it me? Why did it have to be Ben? I gripped the sides of the sink, my hands needing something to clench around as anger was filling up my body. Unable to take the sight of myself, I punched the mirror, cracking it while a couple of shards fell into the sink. Punching things won't make me feel better. My eyes fixated on one of the shards lying in the sink. I gripped it, studying it. My desires got the best of me, killing the common sense in my brain and I brought it to my left wrist. After a beat, I made a sharp and deep incision into my skin, it was too deep. I collapsed into the floor, slowly losing consciousness as I bled onto the floor. Maybe I'm meant to be with Ben. I could see a white light. I heard something in the back of my mind, but it was fuzzy. I ignored it, I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore.

—

I slowly stirred, the white light slowly became a spotlight fixated over me. I groaned, looking around as I realized I was in the infirmary of the academy. Was I dead? I tried sitting up, instantly getting dizzy. "Lay down, sweetheart." Mom spoke, gently pushing me down on the bed.

"Mom? What happened?" I mumbled, the light slightly blinding me from seeing her.

"Diego found you in the bathroom. I think we both know what happened," she smiled, caressing my cheek before walking away. "I'll inform your brothers and sisters you're awake. Try to rest, dear."

I nodded in response, lying down as I adjusted to the comfort of the bed. I raised my left arm, noticing how heavily bandaged my wrist was. I guess Diego found me in time. Within minutes, all of my siblings rushed in and came towards my bed, Vanya included. Allison grabbed onto my right hand, caressing it as she smiled at me.

"Thank god you're okay," Luther spoke, putting his hand comfortingly on my shoulder.

"If you ever do that again, so may god help you," Klaus threatened with a worrisome expression on his face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you guys," I spoke gently. I tightened my hold onto Allison's hands, seeking her comfort.

"We know. Just...don't do it again, okay?" Diego spoke, speaking slowly to avoid his stutter.

"Okay," I whispered, smiling at my siblings.

—

It was a couple days after what I had done, I sat in the bay window in my room, watching the rain as it fell down. I still had a bandage around my wrist, but I still felt so much pain from Ben's death. I didn't want to feel this way forever. A knock came from my door, revealing Vanya.

"Hey," she spoke, coming towards me.

"What is it?" I asked sharply. "Sorry, I just...I just wish to be alone right now."

"I know." She spoke, keeping her hands behind her back. "I have no idea what you're going through, but I have something for you." She took one of her arms from her back, opening her hand to reveal Ben's ring. How did she have that? "He always asked me to hold onto it when you guys went on missions. I guess he was worried Dad would find it or something. But I know he would want you to hold onto it now."

I accepted the ring, holding it between my fingers. "Thank you," I spoke, pulling Vanya into a tight hug as she reciprocated. "This means a lot more than you think."