Sunshine, Starlight | Aryan Simhadri

Part 120

Trigger warning:
severe panic attack, talk about young death and grief

"Leena do you have my white top ?"

"Which one ?"

"The one with the blue flowers"

"Uh I think mom just washed it" I ran downstairs to find the top and back upstairs to put it into my suitcase, I had 2 more days left before the press tour started and I was starting to stress about it

I grabbed my phone and out of reflex went on Darcy's chat to call her to be stopped by a cold shower running over my spine, there was no Darcy to call anymore, if I called her her mom would probably pick up because Darcy couldn't. She never would again. I would never hear her voice again

And just like that the realisation hit me. I wouldn't see Darcy smile again, see her dance or hear her laugh, I wouldn't see how happy she got when I came by to visit her and how much she loved every single flower I brought, how much she appreciated everything. I would never again see how kind she was even through the fucked up situation she was in. Darcy won't be here to listen to new music I bring out or watch new shows or movies I'm in. She was so excited for season two of Percy Jackson and now she would never see it

I swallowed thicker, my eyes moved fast around my room and it felt like the walls were closing in on me, like someone was sitting on top of my lungs and holding them together so I couldn't inhale any more air

I gasped a few times to get the air to reach and fill my lungs with no luck, panic rose in me and tears started burning my eyes

I couldn't breath, I could not breath. Neither could Darcy. Was this how Darcy felt in her last moments ? Was I dying ? Did Darcy suffer through it ?

I placed a hand on my chest and gasped another time, nothing was happening, not even a single sound leaving my body

Darcy is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

She's not coming back, ever.

I pulled my legs closer to me and hugged them tightly to try and get some comfort into myself yet again with no luck

My hands were shaking so bad, not just my hands, my entire body was shaking. And I still couldn't get my lungs to accept the air, I reached for my phone and opened my first pinned chat typing as good as I could and just sending the message

"Belle" my eyes shot up when I felt someone take my hands and sit down in front of me, I hadn't even noticed anyone coming into my room "it's okay, you're not going to die, remember what we said ? 5 things you can see" I shook my head but he kept the calm and comforting expression "Belle, listen to me. It's okay, this is normal. You can do this. Just try, slowly alright ?" I wanted to disagree again but the way he looked at me made me feel the need to try

"My- my suitcase" I spoke in between gasps, Walker nodded calmly

That went on for long enough, I could barely talk with no breath so each word felt like an eternity, but Walker kept his cool the entire time, calmly encouraging me and pushing me through it

"See ? It's okay. You're okay" once I was past the breathing part I just started crying, sobbing as bad as I never had before. I felt my chest physically hurt from knowing I would never ever see her again

"Walker she's gone. She's just gone" I cried in between of the sobs

"I know Belle, I know" he pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me brushing gently over my head "let it out, it's okay, I got you"

"Darcy's gone"

"I know clar"

"She's dead"

I sat there, cried and sobbed terribly in walkers arms for hours, I was a mess. They didn't lie about the grief, about no part of it.

I always thought the grief hits you at the strangest times was just a weird saying, but now experiencing it first hand while I was packing a suitcase has just 100% clarified that it is actually true

Everything felt so strange, Darcy had become such a huge part of my life I couldn't stand the thought of her being gone forever

We were happily laughing about the most random things just two weeks ago and now I would never see her again

"Belle" I met Walkers eyes "If you don't feel ready for the press tour I think everyone would understand"

"No, I'm going"

"Are you sure ? I can stay too if you want, it's- " I shook my head, Walker was leaving for Texas tomorrow, for the comic con in San Antonio and he was really excited about going to that comic con, I would for sure not be the one to ruin that for him, besides a little distraction had never hurt anyone, the press tour would ease the pain, I would see Aryan again, Aryan...

I felt guilt rise within me thinking about Aryan, I had texted Aryan so little in these past few days, I was so busy trying to not believe the whole Darcy thing, telling myself that she was still fine and just in the hospital, that I had answered Aryans texts in short distant answers

I couldn't wait to see Aryan, but at the same time I really didn't want to face Aryan. He had been nothing but great to me, understanding, supporting, accepting and just so perfect while I hurt him over and over again and now he didn't just have to deal with an incredibly difficult girlfriend who kept messing things up but also with one that didn't understand her feelings grieving for her dead best friend

I am a terrible girlfriend

I hated all this, but I also couldn't imagine not being with Aryan, not holding his hand, cuddling up with him or just talking to him or even not talking to him, the hours we spent in silence just being there were truly some of the best I have ever spent, the ones where we lay on the grass in a park and watch the sky while I play with his hair and he played with my fingers

Aryan made me feel so many things that I wasn't even aware of being capable of feeling

Walker sat there with me on the floor for so long, I didn't even know how long exactly, over an hour for sure, without once complaining, he just sat there, hugged me and comforted me while I cried for my best friend

I had now lost not just one best friend in a horrible gut wrenching way but a second one in a way that was so much worse. Walker had now comforted me not once but twice while I was sobbing for my best friend. I might just be cursed, maybe this is the universes way of saying I shouldn't have a best friend

Authors note:
I am alive everyone 🥳🥳
I was really shitty sick the past few days though so I am sorry for not being on here for two entire days but I really was not feeling like writing anything, I couldn't even stand up cause my legs just didn't work and I slept 17 hours in a day 🤪 I tried to push writing into the day but my head felt like exploding and I felt like crying so I decided to take the days off but I'm backkk
Alright enough of me here we go with another sad Belle chapter and her sibling comforting her 👯‍♀️
I hope you enjoyed this chapter loves 🤭🫶