Sick of Lovesongs

ᴘʀᴏʟᴏɢᴜᴇ

Silent screams of a lunatic muffled against the pillow, blood spilled everywhere all over the skin, dark room soaked in despair with reckless frustration swirling around the head like a fucking deafeningly loud storm; yes, he was losing himself again.

Soobin breathed out a long exhale in an attempt to get rid of the gnawing pain inside his chest, knowing so well that there wasn't a way he could escape it. It was what he deserved, after all.

The cutter was still in his hand without a single touch of blood, and Soobin quietly watched as the blood trickled down his thigh. The fresh cuts all over his milky thighs created no exact shape, just as messy and carelessly carved as the boy's mind was. He could see the subtle blade of the cutter blazing in the little streetlight that seeped through the window. 

Once again, he ended up like this, not being able to break free from the agony. Once again he ended up in the exact same place from which a certain Oreo-haired male named Choi Beomgyu saved him. He had given all of him away to Beomgyu, whilst his best friend returned not an ounce of that.

Now, Soobin would definitely agree that falling for your 'best friend' was definitely lame and cliché, but how could he help it? Even the inanimate objects would admit that not an alive and conscious human could resist the adorable as fuck Choi Beomgyu.

But that was it. Choi Beomgyu was only adorable, and nothing more. He had looks that could flatter and impress any sane human, and his toxicity was the total opposite. But, he wasn't that stereotypical red flag. He was different than that.

He wanted you to love him, and then would leave you just to make you suffer. It was just a game to him, a game to feed his enjoyment. He would spill your deepest secrets which you shared with him because you had thought he wouldn't ever betray. But, even after spilling them, instead of apologizing, he would blame it all on his foul mood which you had caused. He would make fun of you in front of his friends and classmates, just to look cool, even when he knew that you were visibly uncomfortable and insecure about that certain topic. He could do anything to make himself look cool, to keep his reputation still, or to grow his popularity. But at the end of the day, he would go all pouty and teary, and make you; no; more like gaslighting you into believing that he had done nothing wrong and it was all just a mistake; or even in some cases, your mistake.

Yes, Soobin had seen it all. He was done forgiving Beomgyu, and he was done with being blind in love. He had done everything for the younger, but what had he got except a few more scars bruised on his heart? 

He had tried, and tried, only to make Beomgyu his. There had been flirts, pick-up lines, requests, straightforward confessions, and even fights between them on this topic; on why Beomgyu couldn't give Soobin's love a chance. But, Beomgyu had no proper logic. The only thing he had ever reasoned with was, "I can't imagine you as something more than my brother." and the words still rang in Soobin's ears like a tinnitus.

And after it whenever Soobin countered that he couldn't continue being hopelessly and helplessly in love like a sick puppy in a way that almost hurt his pride, that he needed to heal and he couldn't do any of it if Beomgyu didn't let go of him, the Oreo-haired would only repeat the same words, "Everyone's an asshole out here, Soobin. Please don't leave me alone in them."

It tore Soobin apart to see his baby tearing up and almost pleading to him to stay. Thus, nonetheless, he always ended up staying. But, it was hard, unbearably hard for him to go through because Beomgyu didn't actually give a shit. 

Beomgyu didn't give a shit to a point where he always yapped to Soobin about his crushes, and how attractive they were; to the point that he got into two relationships in front of Soobin's eyes with two boys, the first one looking like failed lab experiment, and only for Soobin to threaten the other one as he had said he had wanted to slap Beomgyu across the face after they had broken up. 

It was weird how Soobin always ended up acting protective over Beomgyu, taking care of him, waiting for him after school, holding him tight every time he cried, and soothing him down every time he got teary eyed; while the younger's so-called boyfriends never knew a thing about their dear Beomgyu. From time to time, it made Soobin wonder if the Oreo-haired actually did like him or something, and he only needed a push to realize it all? But then again, the one line swirling around his mind dimmed all the hope with a flicker; just the way you put out a candle with a small but rushed flicker of your hand.

Soobin was sick of it. He was sick of pretending that he was alright when he clearly was exhausted and exasperated from all of the maddening pain and toxicity. He was tired of reaching out to Beomgyu, only to be responded to with a blunt thumbs up every time. He was tired of handling his rapid mood swings, while Beomgyu never gave a shit about if he was alright or not. He was tired of being the only one in love like a fucking loser, clutching onto the same thorn-filled cactus like it was what his heart thumped for.

He had been making his mind up for this and he was ready to let go.

It was going to hurt him, shatter him, tear him, twitch him, and rip him apart, but he was not going to look back fucking again. 

Choi Beomgyu could never be his one and only.

And, Soobin was going to make Beomgyu's heart twitch and crumble the same way Beomgyu had been doing it to him.

Soobin yeeted the cutter in his hand and got up, the half-dried blood still slicked all over his scarred thighs. Because of movements, the crimson liquid's slightly dried outlet was bothered, and blood started oozing out of the wounds again. But the ravenette had always been so careless about it; one because, it didn't actually hurt; plus its intensity was nowhere near the painful twitches in his heart and explosions of agonized waves, which bloomed in his chest and diffused to his trembling fingertips.

He unplugged his phone from charger and went into Instagram. As always, Beomgyu's account was on top. There were a few reels sent, which Soobin paid no mind to, and with shaky fingertips, he started typing.

He didn't care if he was going to break Beomgyu's heart with this. His heart had been fractured by the younger so many times and all he was going to care about now was to fix the crumbled, delicate figure. It had been so long since he last took care of himself, since he last made an attempt to heal himself.

Fuck you, Choi Beomgyu. Just fuck you.