1 month later...
sunday, January 25 ❄️
10:15 am
📍jayden's house❤️🩹
i just got back from the gym. i ended up moving from my old apartment to riverside. my whole family decided to move over here. umm. since... jules's passing i really had to step up for eli and handle everything by myself. it's a long story. i been MIA since the moment i got that call... i haven't been on social media. people have been reaching out to me asking me for me to speak on the podcasts and stuff. the reason the internet knows she's gone is because her mom had to tell her label she's no longer here. uhh... it breaks my heart still very much to mention it.
i can still feel her with me somehow. i know she's happy wherever she is now. eli and i would watch the sunset every night since and i'd tell him look it's mama. and he'd smile and point. i just try to keep him taken care of after this. he misses her all the time which is what breaks my heart the most. knowing he doesn't know she'll never come back..
my friends have been reaching out and they pulled up on me a lot to bring me out the house to check up on me and all that. even fucking devenity feels bad for me and she didn't even like jules. but as she can tell and everyone else too they can see how badly it's affected me. sometimes i'd have to call her mom to come and get eli before i crash out again.
and katie's stuck by my side so much since this has happened and hayley. she's been super sad herself and we both just cry about her together because we were closest with her. i try to comfort hayley a lot and she does the same for me. we were bawling at her funeral i wanted to die in that moment seeing her and not feeling her heartbeat anymore.
i've had so many anger episodes since. i've just been so angry at everything. i've been isolating myself with eli. even when i'd go to campus for school i'd be sleep or something. i started smoking really badly but i'm stopping again.
my professors are sorry for me. everybody is. but i knew something like this was gonna happen. whether together or not. it was always something when it came with dating jules. i'm disgusted with everyone. i don't wanna date. i don't want anything with anybody anymore. she was all i had.
right now i'm laying on my living room floor just thinking. d and b are here. bronny lives with me now. my mom made him live with me since he was feeling bad for me and shit. i let him. d lives at his own place but he's here constantly and so is dad even mom is. she brings me food and cards. part of me knows she knew this was gonna happen.
i haven't really talked to her about anything yet. i want to. i got an offer to take back my harvard spot next fall but i'd have to be across the country away from eli and i don't wanna do that. who would help me with him if i go into a depression episode. i feel like i'm on the edge of one now.
i already cut my hair to my shoulders and it's dirty blonde. i'm gonna be celibate for the reason of my life, "ok" i heard bron say
i saw him walking over to me. he's standing in front of me, "let's go to the water park d will watch eli" bron says to me
"i really don't wanna go anywhere" i mumble
"let's go it'll be fun you can use some fun" b says
i sit up and look at my feet, "jules loved water parks.." i say softly
i felt like crying, "nice going bronny" d says
"i wasn't trying to" b says
i wipe my tears as i heard d coming over to me, "hey it's ok let's umm... ouu! let's go see a play" d says with a smile
i sniffle, "is it a comedy play?" i ask softly
"yeah we can find one right now" d says
he pulls out his phone and sat on the couch. he's searching it, "who's gonna watch eli?" b asks d
