To say I was exhausted would be an understatement. I spent most of the night tossing and turning replaying the events with Eli in my mind. No matter what I did, I just couldn't calm down. I was shocked that he had the audacity to touch me like that. It felt so...demoralizing.
Tears filled my pillow not allowing any sleep to come. When the sun finally came up, my mood had not shifted one bit. Except now, the shock has finally sunk in. Now I was just angry. At everything. It seemed like no matter what I did, I could never catch a break. It was exhausting always being on the defensive.
Despite the pain in my cheek, I was surprised to find that Eli's hand only left a redness on my skin. It was enough that I could hide with a bit of concealer. It was my wrist that I was a little worried about.
Hidden beneath my long sleeve shirt was the outline of a hand. Eli's fingertips had left a deep bruise and there was a tenderness that made me hiss in pain every time I moved it. It nearly brought tears to my eyes when I rammed it into the door this morning on my way out of the house. Those problems, however, were minor. They were easy to hide. My swollen eyes were not. Make up doesn't do shit when your eyes look like they have been stung by a thousand wasps.
When did you become such a stuck-up bitch. Eli's words circled my mind. I groaned, slouching my head against the wooden table in the library.
Was I?
Usually, I was good at ignoring people's thoughts. I was good about not caring. But maybe Eli was right. Maybe I had become a bitch. My pencil trailed across the blank piece of paper that lay in front of me, creating light little loops. Over and over, my pencil swerved in a pattern that was rhythmic. It was soothing. It was calming. It made me realize just how tired I was.
I need a nap.
"Noa? You good?" Callan's voice asked coming up behind me.
My eyes followed Callan as he sat down at the table across from me. He watched me carefully and I could see the confusion flash through his eyes as he questioned my position on the table. That coupled with the black sunglasses I chose to hide my swollen eyes, and I was sure I was a sight to see. I heaved a sigh, pulling myself off the table and leaned back in my chair. Feeling the absence of my pencil, my fingers immediately pulled at my rubber band.
I needed a distraction. Something to distract my brain from the thoughts racing inside. I couldn't stop hearing Eli's furious voice yelling at me. I couldn't stop seeing his eye's stone cold and emotionless, like I meant nothing to him. I know Eli cares about me. I know he loves me. He tells me all the time that he does.
So why do I feel like he doesn't?
"Noa." Callan's voice draws me out of my thoughts once again.
"Hmm?" I looked at his dark body through my sunglasses.
"Did you hear what I said?" He frowned slightly; concern slightly etched on his face.
I felt my cheeks flush. I didn't. I didn't even know he was talking. How long has he been here? I bit my lip, shaking my head once.
"Do you have any questions about the chem homework?" He asked, his eyes flickering over my appearance. He was analyzing me, like he always did. He was questioning everything I did, trying to find the deeper meaning. I hardened my expression; I didn't need him analyzing me today. I didn't need to see the judgement flash through his eyes once again. I didn't need to hear his opinions on my problems.
I sighed, flipping a page in my notebook, revealing the homework that I attempted...well revealing the homework that I half-assed and gave up doing after the first question. Callan reached for my notebook. His frown deepened as he looked over my work, not that there was much of it, then looked back to me. I could tell he was at a loss for words, which doesn't happen to Callan much. The way his eyes kept flickering over my page told me he was trying to decide what to say.
Finally, he set the notebook down. Placing his hands on the table, his eyes bore into my sunglasses. His eyes were soft and caring. They were so different than Eli's. They held so much concern, so much worry, so much care, and kindness. I could tell Callan cared about me just by the way he looked at me.
Eli never looked at me that way.
"You know, the only way you're going to get better, is if you do the homework." Callan said carefully.
I looked down, my fingers tugging at the rubber band. It's not like I intentionally didn't do my homework. I tried. I looked at the questions. I tried to find the answers. But I couldn't. It was just too hard.
Everything was just too hard.
"Noa." Callan's voice brought me out of my thoughts again.
My eyes flicked to him in confusion. "Huh?" Callan raised his eyebrow. I felt my cheeks flush once again. "Oh, uh, sorry. It's been a long couple of days."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I sighed, feeling my wrist ping slightly. I know exactly what would happen if I told him. He would tell me I shouldn't see him anymore. That it wasn't healthy. It would be yet another person telling me what to do. I think deep down I know it's not healthy to be with him, especially after what occurred last night. But my need to forget my life outweighs that. I can't just give up the one person who can help me. "Its...its complicated."
"Is that why you're wearing sunglasses?" His tone was light-hearted, and he had a slight twinkle in his eye that told me he found it amusing.
If only he knew.
My phone vibrated against the table. I didn't even have to look to know who it is. He's probably calling to yell at me again. Or maybe to call me a bitch. I wasn't too fond of either of those options. I rolled my eyes, ignoring the annoying vibrations against the table as I reached for my notebook once again. My eyes skimmed over the chem questions. I guess I could at least look like I was trying. My body relaxed as the vibrations stopped. I could feel the relief flood through my body.
Why was I so tense?
Why was I so anxious about talking to Eli?
I let out a sigh, my fingers playing with the edge of the paper. It was a strange feeling, feeling relieved that I didn't have to talk to someone.
The moment of relief was short lived, however, when not ten seconds later my phone started vibrating again. My face hardened. Clearly, he was not getting the hint. I glared at my phone, watching as Eli's smirk appeared. There was nothing more I wanted ***to do in this moment then to wipe that smug smile off his face.
"You can answer that if you want." Callan said, watching me curiously. I could see him questioning my moves, wondering why I wasn't answering my phone. I shot my glare towards Callan – an innocent bystander who just happened to be in the way – while the phones vibrations filled my ears. I'll tell you what I really want to do is just chuck this damn thing out the window.
"I don't." I responded harshly.
* * *
"How was school?" Cale asked as he piled three pieces of pepperoni pizza onto his plate. I responded with a shrug before reaching for a plate. The sunglasses still sat snuggly on my face, making everything appear darker than it actually was. Luckily for me, it was sunny today making my appearance a little more acceptable while outside, though I didn't miss the weird looks I received while walking through the school. I was slightly surprised that Cale hasn't asked about them.
Mr. nosy must be taking a day off today.
"It was that good huh?" Cale said, noting my lack of response. I glanced at him again, then brought my shoulders up in another shrug. Since skipping school, mine and Cale's relationship has only gone downhill, not for his lack of trying. But he was driving me crazy. He knew I was mad at him. Scratch that, he knew I was furious with him. I wasn't even mad at him for grounding me – I expected it, I did skip school. No, I was mad because he refused to let me explain myself.
