my name is chamomile

entry 2

8/9/24 (thought id start adding the date) 1:42 am

I sit in the dark with only the computer light shining on me, my chest bare and unclothed, as if being me and being naked is simply the most poetic thing. Truth is, nobody will ever be as obsessed with me as i am with myself. I fantasize about someone noticing these little idiosyncrasies (unrelated to the naked thing), so much so that i notice these things about myself as if i am that other person admiring me. I spent what must be hours of the day staring into a mirror, whether it be admiration or insecurity that i feel, i observe every flaw and angle. Notice every mole, and pore. As embarrassing as it is, i even brush my own fingers over my own chapped lips, and push aside my own stray hairs longingly. When im in a photo with someone else, i hardly notice them in the photo next to me, and yet sometimes i cant tell if its self infatuation or harsh judgment.

I spent at least a week fantasizing about my next entry, i had to have thought about it at least once or twice at night everyday while i lie in bed before sleeping staring at the ceiling. I think of someone who might come across my words and be completely consumed by them, it urges me to write in a way that someone might be able to romanticize. Its hilarious

Today i did something a little evil today, there was this boy that liked me and he would buy me food, and drive it over to my house, send me a lot of money for any reason really, and he was physically affectionate too, even if he was quiet. Though he was a little pushy sexually, he made up for it in the money he gave me (not a healthy mindset though... dont settle lol) Anyway, back to what happened today. Recently he got a girlfriend, and unfollowed me on socials but left me following him, as one does i guess. One thing about me, i have extremely poor spending habits, i tend to blow money impulsively, and im also really desperate for it. Me and my best friend were wanting to make this purchase, and while yes i did have enough, i wanted more. And so, i go to the boy. It wasn't the first time id guilted him out of money, id use my home situation, just general shitty excuses, "I dont have enough for food today, please just 25 today" or "I cant pay off rent this time, i hate to ask this again and again... just 30 this time..." Its not like I actually spent it on those things though, yeah id buy snacks with a bit of it, but most of it went to in game currency or other insignificant purchases, just complete bullshit. I think i crossed the line this time though. Ill just copy and paste it.

"hey, I know I have to stop coming to you this way. you must think I'm really pathetic but me and my mom and cat are still in a really hard place and my car is super malnourished and in need of food so are me and my mom but I don't think we'll die now I feel really embarrassed and bad about asking but could you please send me some money" not proud of this one for sure. Its not as if he answered of course, or even read it, i doubt he would considering him and his girlfriend seem like they've really gotten serious. And no, i dont feel guilty, maybe a lack of self preservation though, pretty humiliating being a beggar.

I was just going to end this entry there but for some reason i feel bitter about it, like i need to recover myself for the audience, or something. I cant think of a good deed i did today or anything, but i am planning to get a job soon, i have a place in mind. So before you think im too much of a dependant person keep that in mind.