Silent Cry For Love

Chapter 3: Free

I was finally here.

My dance studio was my safe haven. I could be anything I wanted here. No one cared about my family here. Everyone was here for the same thing, to be who they are. We're all different in our own ways but we come together to dance.

Ballet is my favorite! No one else in my company likes it but I love it. If I could go to a prestigious ballet only academy I would do it in a heartbeat but I can't so I settled for competitive dance. Of course that means that I have to participate in all the dance classes and styles just to make company but I don't mind certain ones, like contemporary. I'm not bad at some like Jazz, Modern, or Lyrical but HipHop is a different story. I look like a fish out of water.

Dance also gives me time to really think. I put my bag down get my shoes and head into the main room. Ballet is first. Thank the lord. I don't think I can wait any longer.

I have 20 minutes before class starts so I start stretching.

My mind drifted to the meeting today. I still don't know what that boy said that made Grayson so mad. I doubt he'll tell me if he didn't tell the principal to get out of trouble. I secretly think that he's jealous of that boy but I won't tell him that, it'll only make him more upset. Besides, Amelia already gives him enough shit about literally anything so I'm sure he's covered.

I hadn't heard from her since this morning now that I thought about it. Which I guess is good because she usually only talks to me when she needs something from me. That girl. She seriously needs to start pulling her weight. The money I get from the Bakery and dance isn't a lot. We barely get by and that's with the help of Mal, Brandon (Naveahs dad), and child support. Of course I could use the money I saved from tips if we ever fall behind but I use those for extra dance expenses like costumes and competition fees. The rest of the savings go to the hope of me ever making it out of here. Not that that'll ever happen but I hold out hope that someday I can get far away from here.

Then I thought about Cameron. It all could have been a joke for all I know but for once in my life I didn't count the minutes till school ended. For that one class I was actually enjoying school. Which might not seem like a big deal for everyone else but for me it meant something. Usually I was either dissociating or trying not to have another panic attack at school. I did that a lot. Especially when teachers tried asking me questions. They know I didn't want to answer, I never understood why they tried.

The main room started to get crowded. The loud chatter broke me out of my trance. I took that as I sign that class was about to get started.
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It's 3 hours in to practice. Meaning we only have 2 classes left, Turns and Acro.

"I can't believe I didn't make the senior class! It's so rigged! My solo beat all of the seniors except for like two!" Nichol a girl from the level below me states to everyone who can hear.

The girl is a good dancer I will give her that but it's not her talent keeping her from Senior company its her attitude. She comes from rich parents who never say no so when our dance teacher does she doesn't know how to handle it.

Last year she had a solo to Emergency by Icona Pop and got 1st in her devision. However, her score was less than my solo, Emilys, and another boy's from our company. According to Emily the second she saw the exact scores Nichol told everyone that it was rigged and that she was better than us 3.

She's not.

I watched her continue on her rant. I couldn't help but feel slightly offended by some of her words, she didn't even know who I was. She was bluntly unaware that I was right in front of her. That or she was talking bad about me right in front of my face on purpose. The only reason I wasn't deeply hurt was because I knew for a fact she couldn't do ballet to save her life. Yeah she's good at jazz and tap but she's not graceful at all. That fact let me sleep at night. I know that might seem cruel but my mind seems to spiral at night.

Am I bad? Is she really better than me?

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, we're still on the same team after all but when someone's better at the one thing you're good at it hits different.

Dance is the one thing in the whole world that truly makes myself feel like me. Without dance I'm just the older sister in my siblings story. The side character. The forgotten caretaker. The unappreciated sister who they leave the second they turn eighteen.

Without dance I am nothing.

I assist a 2 to 4 year old ballet class on Wednesday. Luckily at dance (especially around 2 year olds) I don't have to speak. I just demonstrated moves and correct their form when needed. I still get anxiety attacks at dance but it's no where near as bad.

At school I feel trapped. Like whatever sound that comes out of my mouth will be criticized and misunderstood. Like my words will be twisted and used against me. Sometimes when I do want to say something I try but the odds get lost. My home around people I'm comfortable with is the exception. I tell my siblings I'm just shy but I know it's more than that. A phobia maybe?

I don't even know if that exists. A phobia of talking?

"Oaks you ok?" Kamala from my class was standing in the main rooms doorway peering down at me. Her curly black hair was coming out of her bun and some of her hair was clinging to her glistening forehead. She had a comforting smile on her face.

I was on the bench still holding my shoes. I zoned out. I nodded at her, gave her a smile and got up to go back to class. I liked Kamala. She was one of those girls that didn't have a mean bone in her body. She seemed so genuine all the time. One time I was rushing to dance and forgot to bring stuff  to pull my hair in a bun. I was panicking preparing to get yelled at for having my hair down when she stopped me and proceeded to pull my hair up with a long sock. She didn't say a word to me. She simply pulled my hair up and walked away with a soft smile. I don't even know how she managed to do that but she did and it stayed in throughout the whole practice. I guess that's why people always call her a girls girl.

I took my spot in the middle of the room before we started turns. At my studio we have our main 'All Company' classes like Ballet, Pointe, Acro, Production, HipHop, and Tap. Then we have our group classes (with our levels) that includes Ballet, Jazz, Tap, HipHop, Modern, and Contemporary/Lyrical. Then we have skill classes that our whole company attends including Conditioning, Leaps, Turns, Flexibility, and Tumbling. It's a lot to keep up with plus all the classes are separated between the weekdays. All dancers are required to go to all the All Company classes and their group classes but skill classes are optional.

I take all the required classes plus Turns, Conditioning, Leaps, and Flexibility. There's no way in hell you're ever going to catch me tumbling. No hate to the people who tumble, I just can't do it.

I love the Turns class. I live for it. I guess it's because I've always been good at it. People often say every dancer is good at one area, turns, jumps, flexibility, or flips. I'm a turner. The rest I'm awful at. It took me three years just to get my spilts, my leaps are average, and the only sort of flip I can do is an ariel.

But I love to turn. I'm one of the few strong turners at my studio so it works in my favor. I don't remember the last time I wasn't in a fouetté combo.

"Ok let's start with our ankle warmups ladies!" Mrs.Lara screamed over the chatter.

This is my place.
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I know this chapter is very dance vocab heavy but I thought it was important to add. Keep in mind I haven't truly edited this so if some parts don't make sense that's why. If you have any questions just ask I'm happy to help!

:)