Blue Archive - the artists dilemma

Simple breakthrough...

That day never left my mind, the memories of how I felt in the moment, how heavy the air felt, my body grew colder, yet a warm sensation had hit the skin of my face and hands... his blood, the smell of it made me want to throw up, how he grew limp so quickly it all... disgusted me.

But how can I be of use to anyone if I'm a coward, sitting there crying all day, it simply won't do, no... it wouldn't do, I'll play the role I've been given if I have to, that is what I decided soon after, at first I feared this "new life", I kept saying how the blood is on my hands, the death of "me" would haunt me forever, but it wasn't long until I developed a new mindset, one... more fitting of this life.

...It's his fault I went down this path, that I've... felt so low, but when you're at your lowest there is only one thing to do, move forward, find YOUR new high, a way out of this ridiculous mess, to unravel the knots that have been made, to paint yourself a new, to... ah... ahaha... I love it... I really love this...

When everything is in place, the world is... beautiful, when every piece is moving as intended, as it should be I'm unable to hide a smile, while pain is no... art- no, it is... pain is art in its own regard, everything can be art... I digress, to put it in less complicated terms, I've begun to see pain as a whole in a different light suddenly, I used to fear it so much, but he has shown me it can be so much more !

The act of carrying out a simple mission became more than monotonous work where playing safe was the best way, no... it's different, Hoshino and Yume-senpai they see it in a simple way don't they... playing the sword and shield, having one stay mainly on the defensive while the other attempts to either flank or overwhelm the opposition, but why ?

We have halos now, why not have fun with them whilst we can, a little pain never hurt anybody... haha! Ah... I crack myself up truly, but that's exactly it... in the midst of the battle, when emotions run hot, when everyone is fighting for their own cause, that's... when I live.

I wonder... is this sadism, is it masochism perhaps... maybe both? Ah... ahaha... the term didn't matter in all honesty, all that mattered now is I've found purpose, happiness in life, if Abydos benefits from it who am I to care, it's a win win then, is it not, they receive the pay as promised, to save our school from shutting down and I... get the enjoyment, the... THRILL, of battle, to paint on a canvas previously empty with a fellow "artist"...

Ah there I go again... you know~ it's, funny, ironic perhaps even, that before I knew it... I'd start calling myself the same thing he did, a artist, THE ARTIST, that is not to say I'm much of a artist myself, rather... I am a creation of his, a work of art, a living canvas that seeks out anyone willing to paint upon it, giving them a chance to show their talents, yet no one is ever enough... they're never pushing me to my absolute limits...

Hah~ so many contradictions contradicting one another yet symphonizing in a beautiful harmony... perhaps I'm complicating things too much, then again... I suppose only those worthy enough should understand the very words I spout, of course that does not mean I'll communicate in such a way to everyone... in fact it's quite different, I still wish to be normal and talk the same way I had before, even if it is a pain.

...

.....

...But in the end...

I haven't abandoned my promise, even with these newfound feelings there are things more important in life, most; if not all of my income goes towards my family, ensuring they're having a better time than before, although with the increasing prices of my sisters medication I'm sure they too are struggling to get by, even with my help.

Although I wish to see them again soon already, that has to be but a distant dream as it stands now, money and work are more important, if I'm to go out of my way to visit them there's a good chance the other two will need me so that simply won't do for now, not to mention my family may have moved to another place, one with cheaper rent or a more safe neighbourhood for all I know.