This is My Life

One

I WAS FOURTEEN when I met him.

Amongst the crowd, he stood out to me the most. It was weird, I don't think I've ever truly liked a guy before. Sure, I dated some guys for at most a month, but it would never work out. We were in middle school, so what did we truly know about having a partner? 

I only dated boys because they said they liked me, and my friends thought I should. Looking back, I wish I waited before attempting to date someone. Boys to me were all the same; they "like" you, you date them, once they realize you don't want to do anything sexual, they break up with you. I didn't care too much, I was young and just wanted to try to experience love, which I never accomplished. 

That was all until I met him. He was different.

Does that sound corny? Maybe, but it was the truth.

I don't know why, till this day I still can't put my finger on it. He wasn't apart of the "popular" crowd. If anything, he was weird, in a good way. He loved anime, which I didn't care about because I loved anime too. Anime in middle school however wasn't something kids talked about. It was considered odd, which I think is because nobody understood it. I never really got that; why at fourteen we were so hard on ourselves for liking things that weren't "normal".

He wasn't tall at all, his voice wasn't deep, and he was at times extremely playful. His glasses hung low on his face, and I every time I saw him, his face always held a smile. He seemed very unserious in my eyes, and when we spoke, it was easy for us to become immersed in a conversation. He was that type of person, he always had a light around him that people were drawn to. I don't think there was anyone who didn't like him. He was like a sun, and I felt like the moon. I was quiet, and very reserved. I had difficulty interacting with others, and sometimes I felt as if nobody truly liked me. We were so different from each other, I never would've thought he was someone I'd be attracted to. 

Still, he caught my attention. I would always sought him out every time he passed by me, and I remember my heart beating so fast I was paranoid he could hear it. Thank God for my brown skin, because I blushed every time he caught me staring. I didn't know his name until I asked one of my friends for it.

"Him? Oh, that's [Redacted]". She looks at me in surprise, I guess because it's the first time I've ever expressed interest in someone. I stare at the back of his head, his black coiled hair sponged up. He's with a group of guys, laughing and goofing around. I don't think it was ever a time where he wasn't smiling.

"[Redacted]". I repeat his name, letting the feeling of it become accustomed to my tongue. I loved his name. In fact, I was infatuated with it. It's such a pretty name, one so unique that I haven't heard before. My name was unique too, so that's how I knew we were meant to be. My eyes watch him from afar as he's leaned against the dark blue lockers of our middle school hallway. I turn over to my friend, who's watching me. Her expression is unreadable, but not in a bad way. I just couldn't decipher what she was thinking.

"You like him?"

"Is it a problem that I do?" I spoke softly, so she wouldn't think I was upset about her question. I was cautious, because I didn't know what she was going to say, how she was going to react to my confession.. I was watching him for months, and I didn't realize how much I liked him until we spoke for the first time. She loops an arm around mine, and turns us around to walk to our class. "Just leave it to me E," She hums, practically skipping as we reach our classroom door. "I can set you guys up."

I can't remember what she did, but we somehow got each other's contact information. In middle school, we used to come up with titles on what we would call our friends. Best friend,  Sister, and Brother are some terms people in my school often addressed each other as. He told me to pick a title for us, and I chose Other Half.

"That's a nice one." He texted. I agreed, it was a nice title. It's funny how this title is so bittersweet to me now.

The more we talked, the more I realized how much I liked him. He loved space, loved it so much to the point that he would speak for hours, telling me about all the stars and constellations in the galaxy. He loved music, with his playlist being over 40 hours long. I don't think I've ever met someone with such passion for music like he was. He listened a variety of music too. From hiphop, to R&B, to even alternative music. Beyond just listening, he would always tell me a story behind the song, whether it was how he found the music, or about the artist and why they made the song. He played football, and ran track, which he was really good at both. He talked to me about anime he watched and I listened. Thinking back, I wish I contributed to that conversation. I think I just loved hearing him speak so passionately about things.

There was a dance for 8th graders before we go on to high school. We ended up going together, both of us wearing blue; which was my favorite color at the time. The dance was on May 11th, his birthday. I'll never forget that night. He looked at me like I was the only girl in the entire universe. Men always made me feel uncomfortable, but with him, I just felt so at ease. 

I forgot when we started dating, but it was before the dance, sometime in late April. I was so nervous around him, I could barely speak. I've always been nervous around boys, but in a bad way. I never let them get close enough to me to know me. I think I have always been like that, since I was little.

"Your body is your temple." My mom would often say, mainly when my sister and I talk to her about boys. She instilled in both of our heads to never be with someone unequally yolked. She often repeated this to us every time my dad and her got into it. I think she mainly said this as a reminder to herself, rather than advice for us.

He's the type of person that can strike up conversations with strangers. The room lights up every time he's in it, and his energy is so beautiful and bright that it radiates to others. Being with him made it easier for me to open up and talk to him.

I was happy, really happy. I felt like our relationship would be strong, even while I was going to a different school for high school.

In middle school, you typically never go on actual dates with the people you're dating. Either your parents never knew you had a partner, or they did and just didn't take it seriously. The most we could do was go on supervised dates to the movies or the mall. That was the case for both of us. We would call each other all the time. I remember him giving me tour of his house while we were on the phone. I began to wonder if there was ever going to be a day where I would actually come over, and that thought excited me. We still kept our Other Half title even after we started dating. We both felt that it was a title named specifically for us.

School ended, and summer happened. We talked on the phone during that time, but since we couldn't see each other in person, it made the phone calls longer. I missed him, so much to the point where my thoughts were filled of him. He had football during the summer, so we couldn't talk as much since he was so busy.

That summer, and the rest of our relationship felt like a blur. I only remember distinct visions of it, which was weird. However, I felt like everything was falling into place; my relationship, my life, and my future. Sometimes things are too good to be true.

In July of 2018, his father passed away.

And I wasn't there for him.