Depression, I have lived with Depression for years since I could understand the situation ive been living in. By the situation I don't mean poverty or homelessness, I mean my family situation, my brothers being taken out of my mother's care, me being sa'd and everything else. I first went to a counselor when I was eight years old, her office was in a tall building and I always tried to beat my mum up the stairs. in the office there was a palm tree a really real palm tree that hit the roof in the corner it sat in, the reception people were nice on Halloween or any other holiday they would give out lollies.
Where the counselor did her sessions was kind of sad it was just a room no palm trees, no lollies and no windows, she had to leave a lot during our sessions, I think that's why the windows were covered so no one could jump out of them to escape.
I had a cardboard box that was the size of a laptop, I glued paper on it and drew on every little bit the box was labeled timeras thought box I would write down my bad thoughts and put them in the little hole, I always stopped thinking about it the second it was in the box.
I went to counseling again this year and a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with depression even though I already had been when I was so young. I told my counselor everything about my uncle who we had to move away from and my suicidal thoughts after a few sessions I got told it was my last time with her, they let me leave while I was suicidal and 12.
Depression "why are you eating in class" my teacher would ask, I walk to her desk and tell her why "im sorry whaea its my medication" I would say every time twice a week for like a month and she never stopped asking until I brought the box in with the big piece of paper with side effects of the meds. She read and read and it felt like I was standing there for hours, she finally looked at me and said "you don't look depressed" WHAT I screamed in my mind. I don't look depressed but my eyes bags are purple and my pupils full of nothing, I drink two energy drinks almost every day, i vape and smoke and I carry myself in a slouched way, my friends aren't really my friends.
I am depressed, I say to a counselor when she asks what's wrong she doesn't believe me no one ever does.
I don't look depressed I don't act depressed, people say to me but I am depressed I am I really am.
"Your to younge to know that" I don't know that I was told that by a psychiatrist I am clinically depressed and no amount of medication can fix that.
It is the way it is, but it isn't I'm a teenager and I want to be a normal person I want to live a normal life, but I can't. I wish I never went to that appointment because now I'm just "the depressed girl" and I always will be.
