Touch Me

-1-

'Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb

Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold'

Evanescence - Bring Me Back To Life

*****

The weather outside matched Jamie's mood. Uncharacteristically gloomy July evening was the first rainy day after weeks of stifling heat. The fresh breeze that made its way trough the poorly constructed windows chilled Jamie to the bone.

She hugged herself thinking about just how fucked up her life really was. How had she ended here? How did everything go so wrong?

Feeling sorry for herself wasn't a usual way for Jamie to spend her time. Especially when questions she was asking herself had obvious answers. She could point out the exact moment in her life when her life took a turn from a Disney cartoon to a Shakespearean tragedy.

It wasn't hard to recognize the moment after the fact. But when she was in the moment?

Jamie shook her head, trying to stop that dangerous train of thought. Trying to get a grip on her depressing mood, she forced herself to get up from the bed that served as a couch and table at the same time.

Walking the two steps from the bed to the window she bundled herself tighter into the wool cardigan that had seen better days ten years ago. It was the one piece of clothing she owned from her past life. She was no where near ready to let it go. Like she wasn't ready to let go of the tiny amount of fight for a better life she had in her.

A life where she didn't feel so alone. Where she felt loved. Not just lust.

The chipped coffee mug that rested precariously on the window ledge still had some coffee in it. Jamie picked it up and took a sip.

The street beneath was weakly illuminated by a broken streetlamp right across from her apartment building. There, looking at the flickering neon light Jamie Collins felt like her it might be time to give up. Give up on trying to be independent; of trying to live life on her own terms.

Her place looked like a place where dreams came to die. The entire neighbourhood looked like it belonged into a horror movie or the origin story of an aspirational biography. No one lived in this neighbourhood because they liked it here. They lived here because it was cheap.

Suddenly Jamie moved away from the window and abruptly put her coffee mug down in the sink. It was tiny and right next to her electric stove with a half fridge underneath. It was one of those all-in-one kitchens that fit into the space of one cabinet.

When Jamie saw it for the first time, she was convinced the set up wasn't up to code, but she had no choice. This was the best option she could come up with at the moment.

Her one room apartment was smaller than a shoebox and barely had enough space for a bed let alone a full-size kitchen. Or a dishwasher.

'Not that I have any dishes to wash.' Jamie thought to herself when the landlord showed her the space. She came into this apartment with a small backpack and clothes on her back. Only sheer grit was keeping her from falling apart at the sight that was so starkly different from what she was used to.

The place was small, impersonal and in a not-so-reputable neighbourhood, but Jamie was determent to make it work. It wasn't like she was in the apartment a lot. Most days she only slept in it actively trying to spend as much time away from it as possible.

She didn't have friends to invite over, her family wasn't around to come visit and the thought of having a boyfriend gave her mental hives.

Boyfriends wanted to sleep over and felt entitled to be treated to home-made dinners, neither of which held much appeal to Jamie when she moved in.

This wasn't her home, it was a place to sleep.

First few tones of Deff Leppard's 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' refrain started playing, breaking Jamie's train of thought. She couldn't even hear her neighbours doing the dirty anymore, just a voice singing:

"Pour some sugar on me ..."

At first she made no move to pick up the phone. Instead she silently urged it to stop.

She knew exactly who it was, because he was the one that downloaded that stupid song on her phone and made it his ringtone.

Her unseeing gaze was focused on the coffee mug in the sink. When she put it down, some of the coffee spilled out of the mug, creating a small puddle at the base of the mug. That puddle had Jamie's undivided attention.

The song just kept on playing, like the caller knew Jamie wouldn't pick up the phone right away. The phone suddenly stopped ringing. Before Jamie could exhale in relief the song started again.

Still, she made no move to pick it up. Instead it made her regret getting the phone even more. Unlike what felt like most of word's population she didn't enjoy being connected to the world twenty-four-seven.

She kept her phone in her backpack hoping like hell, no one was going to call her. Especially on her night off.

When the phone stopped singing and then started once again Jamie gave up and dug her phone out of her backpack.

The moment she accepted the call, the not-so-pleasant voice of Def Leppard changed to the even more unpleasant voice of a man huffing and puffing into the phone about how much he can't stand the people who don't answer his calls the moment he makes them.

The moment he took a breath in his rant, Jamie seized the opportunity, jumping straight to the point.

"What do you want? It's supposed to be my night off. I get one fucking night off a month Scott!"