If by chance

the beginning

"Oh, Kirsten," Emily sighed as she placed my coffee before me. "You know," I whispered, staring into the gloomy cup. "Honey, anyone with a set of eyes could see you were in love with her". I shook my head, the tension in my neck never-ending. "Was I that obvious?" I frowned. "Kirsten, it's nothing bad" Emily took a seat on the other side of the booth. "I was in your position a long time ago", she admitted. "I was in love with my best friend, but she liked a boy who she married and had kids with", Emily swallowed. "And I thought how strange would it be to see mini versions of her, but with his eyes, it filled me with this rage but also a longing".

I couldn't help but stare at her and the emotions that swam in her dark orbs, the way her brows furrowed as she spoke. "How did you cope?" I asked her quietly as I grasped the cup's handle. "Because she got everything she said she wanted, she had a family, and I know that one day we'll be reunited," Emily said with a tight-lipped smile, though her eyes held a deep sadness.

"You didn't move on?" she looked at me with a soft sigh. "I couldn't. She was the only love I had ever known" Emily shrugged, glancing away, I sipped on the hot, dark, bitter liquid. "What if I don't move on from Sab?". The brunette smiled down at me. "You will, Kirsten, you're young. It was much different for me to try to move on back then" Emily ran the back of her finger over the back of my hand slowly. "You'll move on. It might take a while, but you will, honey."

I nodded at her words as if trying to convince myself they were true, and though they were, it didn't feel so. I loved Sabrina more than words could ever begin to describe, still. The yearning was so violent. "What if I can't?" the words left my lips cracked as I swallowed, hardly believing it was myself. "Well, then you can adopt a cat and begin your career", she exhaled; the cafe was seemingly quiet this Thursday, an odd occurrence. "You can move away, leave everything in the past... Kirsten, the world is yours" I bit my lip as Emily continued to speak, "I care about you. I hate to see you hurt, but this... Kirsten, this is just the beginning of your life".

"If this is the beginning, why does it feel like it's ending?" I whispered, staring at where our hands met. "Because you're in love. It's a deadly thing," Emily ran her finger over the back of mine. "It drives us wild," she chuckled. Even with the coffee, my throat still felt dry, and I wished this was a Tuesday afternoon when the cafe was at its busiest, with just enough chatter to drown out my thoughts but not too loud where I couldn't hear the person in front of me.

"Do you think? If I were a boy, she would've picked me?" I asked her slowly as I raised the cup again, almost hiding behind it. I heard Emily do a deep intake of air "Kirsten", she sighed softly. I refused to meet her gaze. "I can't tell you that" Of course she couldn't. If these feelings I had were what people called being in love, then I don't want to be in love anymore, but it's easier said than done.

Could I ever unlove Sabrina? Seemingly fall out of love? Pretend she never existed? No. I couldn't deny the closest thing I have ever held to my soul. She is my person, and it's okay if I'm not hers. "She'll marry Steven" Tears began to well in my eyes. "She'll have beautiful babies", my voice cracked. "Who will I marry? How will I have my family? Emily. I want a family," I whispered and cried. "Who will love me?" I asked; the steamy coffee rippled as my hands shook "Emily, who will want me?" I swallowed as the tip of my nose watered. "I want to be happy for her, but I can't, and I feel bad", I admitted, my vision blurry.

"Kirsten, if she makes you feel hard to love, then she is not the one", Emily soothed as she got out of her seat and slid into my side of the booth. "Honey, someone will love you, and they will treat you as if you painted the stars by hand. You will have beautiful babies and a house, everything you have ever dreamed of" She wrapped her arm around me. I rested my head on her shoulder as I cried, "Okay? It is alright to feel angry and sad. It's normal to want to scream and cry and break stuff. Honey, you are only human."

As I felt Emily's lips brush against my temple, I thought of how amazing she would've been as a mother if she had been my mother. "Thank you", I whispered, biting my bottom lip, the saltiness of my tears tainting my tongue. "It's okay, baby", she whispered so comfortingly, a tone so rare in my parent's home since Victoria had died and as I closed my eyes, basking in Emily's warmth and soft Lavender-Vanilla scent with a hint of the coffee beans she had been working with today.

I could try to let go of Sabrina, ignore her name carved in my heart, and watch her blossom and bloom as she falls into step with Steven, creating the life that was set out for her. Pretend I don't know how gorgeous her green eyes are, how silky her brown hair is, or how soft her skin is, to act as if I didn't know her at all but still be her friend so I don't lose her completely.

Why did I have to say anything at all? Simply love her from afar and pretend that my skin didn't burn. Why does my skin burn? Why couldn't I walk away? I placed the cup down to curl into the older woman's side "Everything will be okay".