The Change

I am a women or at least that is what my body tells me I should be, yet I don't feel like a women. I have all the body features of a women should have, I have decent sized round breasts, wider hips and a softer rounder face, and yet I still don't feel like a women. I don't fit the standards of what a women should be by society. I never liked wearing make up, mostly because I feel no amount of make up would change how I look and how I feel who I am on the inside. I never really like dressing up in typical women's cloths, mostly because I feel those cloths just don't fit well with my body or they show off too much of body which I don't like either. I don't like wearing dresses as I feel I never really look good in them. I like more men's cloths that can hide my body. I don't want people to see my unnatural form. I don't have the typical hourglass body shape like most women have. I'm not really fat, but not really skinny either, just somewhere in-between and I have boarder shoulders then most women do. I often think about if I would feel better about my body if I were a man? The honest answer is no, I don't feel like being a man would completely suit me either. Not after I found out I could change into something else, something other then the form I have now. Something other then just a man or a women. I change into this form once a month and when I do I feel more free then I have ever felt before. When other people address me as "Mrs", "miss" or "madame" I feel that just does not suit me anymore. I'm not really sure what suits me anymore, what do you call a being such as me? I know what they call me in movies, tv shows and other media, but I still like to refer to it as just the other being.

It was another hard day at work today, my boss still calls me by "she" or "her" even though I have told him before I like to be refer to as "they", but I mostly just deal with it and brush it off because I don't want to start a confrontation with him and be sure I still have a job the next day. Some of my coworkers still use the wrong pronouns too, but some of them don't know me that well, so I let it slide. On the other hand the coworkers I am more friendly with are more open minded and treat me with respect to use my proper pronouns. I really appreciate their efforts and kindness to understand me.

As I sit in traffic on the highway during my commute home from work, I get increasingly worried as time passes. Tonight is the big night and I'm worried I won't get home in time to do everything I need to do before the change happens. As the cars slowly creep along and the sun slowly starts to creep towards the horizon I start to sweat with nervousness. I have never really made a plan on what to do if I change in a place that is not safe for me. If anyone saw me change they would think I'm a monster and would probably either want to flee from me or kill me. But what I'm more worried about is I won't be able to control myself when I change and end up hurting a lot of people and I could never live with myself if I did that. So that is why I must hide my true self as much as possible, to prevent hurting myself and hurting others.

The cars finally start to move more freely now and I can finally turn on to the right road to get out of this traffic jam and race home. When I eventually get to my house I check the time, I just have barely enough time to make a quick dinner and prepare everything before it happens. I quickly get inside my house, change my cloths to something more comfortable and start to make dinner. A simple hamburger and rice meal will have to do for tonight. Even though I will probably be ravenously hungry again once I change, still I rather have something in my stomach to sooth the hunger until then.

While I'm making dinner my cellphone rings and I pick it up to see who it is. It's my best friend Laura, so I answer it. "hey girl, me and some of the other girls are going out tonight, do you wanta come?" a voice speaks through the cellphone.

I look at the date on a calendar near by and at the time at a near by clock. Full moon tonight. 2 hours before sunset.

A let out a slight sigh and say "sorry Laura, but I'm really tired. hard day at work today."

"oh, okay then. I hope you have a good night. Call me sometime and we can maybe hang out again later." her voice spoke again.

"okay, thanks. I will." I said back.