Chapter Thirty Five: Holding Him Back
The alarm blasted, waking me up from my deep sleep. It's Monday, and I don't have the energy to go to school. Hindi ko pa rin maalis sa isipan ko ang nangyari sa bahay nila Chance noong Sabado. It's like the aftermath, and I hate that I have to deal with this aftermath alone. Hindi ko magawang sabihin kay Jilliana, kay Chance, o kahit kanino. I don't know how to start if I ever tell them. I'm so confused and as an overthinker... I don't know what to do.
Hindi ako kaagad bumangon, hinayaan ko muna ang sarili kong mahiga sa kama. Umayos ako ng higa, at tinitigan ang kisame. I tried to push away the thoughts swirling in my head, but they just kept coming back—flashes of moments from the party, ang sinabi sa'kin ng mom ni Chance, si Myka. My heart races again, remembering that moment.
I tried to tell myself it was nothing, that I was overthinking again, but deep down, I knew something had shifted. Hindi ko lang alam kung anong shift iyon. Was it just me?
I sighed, closing my eyes, trying to push the questions away. But they stuck. I couldn't ignore them.
After a few more minutes of laying there, I finally rolled out of bed, forcing myself to start my day. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. The thought of facing school, though, felt heavier than usual today.
Pumasok ako sa banyo, tumingin sa salamin, at pinilit magbuhos ng malamig na tubig sa mukha. The chill helped, but only a little.
I dressed quickly, hardly looking at my reflection as I pulled on my uniform. I barely had time for breakfast, so I grabbed a granola bar on my way out. Pagdating ko sa school, pakiramdam ko ang bigat ng bawat hakbang ko, para bang lahat ng mga mata ng mundo ay nakatingin sa'kin, kahit na walang dahilan para mag-isip ng ganon.
I scanned the hallways as I walked, hoping to see a familiar face—kahit si Jilliana para lang ma-distract ako. But she wasn't around yet. I reached my locker and took a deep breath, trying to focus on the day ahead. Still, the feeling of uncertainty and the weight of those unanswered questions lingered.
I wish I could forget about it, or at least make sense of it. But it was impossible to shake off the feeling that something had changed, and I couldn't just let it go.
I stood there for a moment, staring at the contents of my locker, trying to focus on something—anything—other than the constant swirl of thoughts in my head. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened during Saturday night.
I snapped my locker shut with a little more force than I meant to, and it startled me out of my thoughts. I turned around, half-expecting to see someone looking at me, but the hallway was just as empty as before.
I sighed and walked towards the classroom. When I got there, I saw Jilliana sitting in her usual seat by the window. She was texting on her phone, her face lit by the soft glow of the screen. I hesitated before sitting down beside her. For a moment, I just watched her fingers move across the screen, wondering if I should say anything at all.
She looked up and smiled when she saw me. "Hey, nandyan ka na pala. How was your weekend?" she asked casually, like nothing was off.
I forced a smile, lumapit ako sa kaniya at umupo sa tabi niya. "Ayos lang. Just... really tired."
She raised an eyebrow, obviously sensing the hesitation in my voice. "Okay ka ba talaga? You seem... I don't know, off today."
I opened my mouth to answer, but no words came out. I couldn't bring myself to tell her what had been bothering me all weekend. Not yet. Maybe I was just overthinking it, but I didn't want to risk making things weird between us or anyone else. I didn't know how to explain the strange tension I felt.
"I guess I'm just stressed," I said finally, smiling a little more genuinely this time. "You know how it is. Monday blues."
Jilliana seemed to buy it. She nodded sympathetically. "Tell me about it. Napuyat pa ako kagabi, hindi ako makatulog, and now I feel like I'm gonna fall asleep in class." She gave a mock yawn and stretched, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah, ako rin," I replied, but even as I said it, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was lying. Not to Jilliana, but to myself.
As the bell rang, signaling the start of class, I pushed all my thoughts to the back of my mind. For now, I had to focus. Maybe by the end of the day, things would feel clearer. Maybe the confusion would pass. But deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to let it go so easily.
It wasn't just my overthinking anymore. Something had shifted that night.
Natapos ang klase. Naramdaman kong kanina pa nagvi-vibrate ang phone ko, kaya naman kinuha ko 'yon to see who's texting. And when I looked at it, I saw Chance's name on my screen.
Chance:
Good morning, my love.
Nasa school ka na ba?
Hey, why are you not replying?
Nandito na kami sa training ground. I miss you.
What are you doing?
Loveee :(
Napangiti ako kahit papaano. I quickly typed a reply sa mga messages niya.
To Chance:
Kakatapos lang ang klase. And I'm okay. Sorry I didn't message earlier.
As I thought hindi na siya magre-reply kasi alam kong busy na siya sa training nila, nagulat ako ng bahagya nang makita kong napakabilis niyang mag-reply sa message ko.
Chance:
I miss you. I wish I could be with you.
Magre-reply na sana ako kaso nagsalita si Jilliana kaya sa kaniya na tumuon ang atensyon ko.
"Nakaka-miss din 'yong tatlo 'no? Walang maingay sa klase today," aniya. Ini-rest niya ang kaniyang ulo sa table.
Tumango ako. "Yeah."
"Ilang araw daw training nila?"
Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Hindi ko natanong e. Why, you miss Nimbus that much?" biro ko.
"What? Hell, no!"
Natawa ako. "Yeah right, and you're being defensive."
"Tsk. Hindi naman talaga. Ako? Namimiss 'yong pangit na 'yon? Over my dead body."
"Pangit? Sinabi mo nga sa'kin na crush mo siya noon kasi gwapo siya?"
"Noon lang 'yon."
Napa-iling ako tsaka tumawa ng bahagya. "Yeah right. Suit yourself."
Come to think of it. Nagsimula rin kami ni Chance sa ganito. Nagka-crush ako sa kaniya, but I was clearly annoyed of him kasi napaka-kulit niya, but he likes me being annoyed. I miss those moments when all I cared about is how am I able to get through his annoying and carefree vibes, but then even how annoying he can be, nagustuhan ko pa rin siya.
I guess that's how things happen. You don't expect it, and then one day you realize you're in too deep to just ignore it anymore. But looking back, it was never the annoying parts that bothered me. It was the way he made me feel—like I was the only one who mattered when we were together. It wasn't always smooth, but every moment felt real.
