I'm here.. now what?

Chapter 3 - thanksgiving

My classmates were excited for the upcoming break. It was really needed and they looked forward to it.

I can tell you that I knew immediately, this break was going to leave me more exhausted than before, it wouldn't help. I just knew it, something would come up.

I would make a mistake, the constant edge of trying not to start an argument by accident.

Mom picked me up and we chatted on the way home, both excited for the Thanksgiving break. When it came time to discuss what we wanted to make for the Thanksgiving dinner, we got into an argument.

"We should all make our specialty dishes!" Mom had said... Dad wasn't quite sure what that meant, and of course, it started some sort of passive-aggressive argument between us.

Dad feigned being confused, asking what mom meant by "specialty dishes" what we were going to make. Why our specialty dishes were just normal food, and that he thought we'd want something different than the usual. I mediated, of course, that turned the heat on me but I figured it out for all of us. I didn't want to give dad the satisfaction of any reaction, instead rolling with his weird logic, knowing it would either confuse or frustrate him. Either was better than this argument.

Come Thanksgiving day, we all cooked, Mom was in charge of appetizers, I made the fish we had decided on the night before, and dad made all the side dishes.

We got into an argument about how I hadn't done anything for college, or anything with my college essay. I talked mom through the plan Dad and I had come up with. Explaining the steps and the logic. We got over it eventually and we made our way over to the dining table, serving ourselves the baked cauliflower, fish, and some rice.

Everyone had dressed up a little bit, I was not in my usual grunge outfit, though I kept the aesthetic. I had grabbed a scarlet collared shirt and low rise flare jeans from my closet. Mom was dressed in a casual dress and my dad had a turtleneck and jeans on.

The fish came out too spicy, it was still good though. Mom and Dad decided that Thanksgiving was occasion enough for them to give me a glass of champagne. I drank my one glass with them. Then they left, they're both smokers, so they went outside and left me by myself. I went to my room, Shadow trailing after me. I pulled out an energy drink, I had a headache so bad it made me want to puke.

I vaguely remember Luca saying something about not mixing caffeine and alcohol, it'd make you feel more drunk. Then I remembered the two ADHD pills I had in the morning, I wasn't supposed to do that but I really couldn't care less. I drank a bit more champagne, then went to the dining table to top up my glass and left for my room again. I shut the world off, escaping into the music and alcohol and caffeine.

I curled up in bed, nursing my headache. Shadow had escaped to be with my parents outside on the patio while they talked and smoked without me. 'Typical, even Shadow left. What should I have expected?' The sudden urge to grab the blade hiding in my jewelry box came rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. 'No, I promised Mom I'd stop. I didn't want to do that again...' I leaned into the pillows more heavily, then I rolled over and grabbed my Monster and chugged the remaining contents. I hesitated before opening another one and leaving it on my desk, opting to grab the champagne instead, I sipped on it a little before leaving that on my desk, too.

I fell onto the bed, wanting to cry from the throbbing pain coming from my head. It felt as though everything inside my skull was too loud and too quiet at the same time. I knew what I was doing, I knew it was self-destructive but I didn't care. I was tired. I was scared.

After all, I turned 18 a month ago, I never thought I would actually be here.

"Me Against Myself" by Wage War came on, 'how fitting...' I thought. I heard the patio door slide open. I knew we were going to watch at least one episode of House MD (a family favorite that brought tons of nostalgia). I grabbed my food, smiled and pretended nothing was wrong.

"Hey are we watching House? Should I set it up?" I asked grabbing my plate of food. Dad nodded while serving himself and mom said the same.

In the end, Dad and I stayed up till 2am watching a different show after mom headed up to bed. I suggested we head to bed when my headache didn't allow me to focus on the show anymore. He didn't even hesitate to say yes, seeing the time, I didn't even need to explain that the pounding in my head was the reason I needed to sleep.

He called as he walked out the basement door, going out for a smoke no doubt. "Yeah, it's really late, Nicole, head to bed and take Shadow with you!" I didn't even need to call as the two glowing eyes of my dog followed me up the stairs.

Running up, Shadow being my little shadow, we ran to his crate. I gave him a kiss and a couple night time treats before locking him in and dimming the lights.

When I got to my room, the world started spinning. The headache being the center of focus once again. I quickly changed and brushed teeth, then shuffled over to my school bag, which had been abandoned by my dresser since thanksgiving break started. I rummaged through it, and when my hand emerged, clutched in it was a bottle of Advil. I shook three into my hand and dry swallowed it then washed it down with the open can of Monster on my desk.

I flopped into bed, landing on my phone, which I took and plugged into its charger and laid it on the side table.

I spent the next few hours shifting around in bed. I rolled onto my side, picked up my phone and looked at the time, 4am. I shut my eyes, knowing sleep wasn't going to come for a long time, I opted to grab my headphones, also left on the side table and opened Spotify.

I clicked on the most recent playlist and hit play "Locked in my Head" by Fit for a King, played again, top of the playlist. I laid on my back as song after song played, none of them lulling me to sleep but at least quieting the headache. By this point, it felt as though my brain was going to leak out of my ears. I didn't notice the music going through the playlist until "Louder than Thunder" played, significantly different from the other songs on the playlist so far.

Eventually, I decided the music wasn't helping, having gotten through 44 songs, I took out my headphones and swiped out of the app. I curled into a ball as tight as I could and pressed a hand to my head. I hoped the pressure would relieve some pain but it did nothing.

I laid in bed, eventually drifting off into a land of dreamless sleep.