"Tell myself it's time now gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
In burning red
Losing him was blue, like I'd never known
Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know
Somebody you never met
'Cause loving him was red."
🎧 Red - Taylor Swift
*****
Sunday.
After getting the Yule invitations, the girls took me to Hogsmeade, gushing about all the dresses I had designed for them, promptly presenting to Gladrags to create and tailor.
The skies were blue. Too blue. The air was warm. Too warm. The butterbeer was sweet. Too sweet.
Until I ran into Torvi Gustavsson, my old friend, the painter from Denmark. It only took one object for my denial to shatter: she gave me Sebastian's compass back.
If he loved me so much to the point he gave away the compass when we were still just friends, how could he give up on me?
Something else was bubbling in my chest.
Anger.
Then, came Monday.
Natty was the first to get a proper invitation to the ball: during Potions, to no one's surprise, Garreth made fireworks spark inside the classroom, spelling "NAT" in the air. He got detention, but she said yes. And that was the only good thing about that day. For the brief moment I glanced at Sebastian, he looked defeated. I wanted to hex him.
"It's fine!" I had said to Natty, giving her my undivided attention, even when she pressed about the breakup. "Fuck it if I can't have him!"
I had never cussed in front of her. That, at least, was hilarious.
Tuesday was next.
I walked by the Transfiguration Courtyard an embarrassing amount of times... just in case. If he had changed his mind, he would have wanted to meet me there, and I would have admitted that, if I had done things differently, we would have been able to fix it. We'd still be together.
Round and round the courtyard I went, willing to give up on my reasons. Bargaining with the devil—my pride.
Luckily, Cressida made me snap out of it with lovely news: on the night before, Amit had asked her to the ball with an enchantment that made the stars in the telescope gleam, as if they played her favourite waltz.
And so did other couples. Imelda had asked Nellie at the Owlery with a bouquet of violets, but Nellie had planned the exact same thing and also brought violets in a corsage; Leander had asked Adelaide with a box of chocolates (and maybe she accepted it because Amortentia was involved); even Professor Sharp asked Nurse Blainey and became the talk of the day.
It was finally hitting me.
Wednesday.
"It's not over," Phineas cooed as I accidentally blew my nose on his cloak. "Time, dear. Time."
"I've lost him forever!"
Ominis, on the other side of the couch in the Undercroft, sighed. "This is why I didn't want you to be alone between classes. We should have seen that coming, you trying to talk to him and being ignored."
"Well..." I sobbed. "You didn't... See... That coming..."
The bittersweet giggle between the three of us was very much needed.
Adding to my apprehension, Phineas and Ominis had told me that Sebastian hadn't gone back to the Slytherin dorm since—he'd been staying in Feldcroft, putting an actual effort into staying away not only from me but also from them.
"Do you think," I asked them, gasping for air, "That if I hadn't ruined everything, he would have planned a grand gesture as an invitation to the Yule ball? I don't even... I'm not going, not without him!"
"You're lucky you have backup dates," Phineas pulled me up from the sofa's arm with a grin. "If not Sebastian, you have us. We'd be honoured to accompany you. I'm taking Poppy as part of our cover, but a big group would be so much fun!"
"Not that we could ever replace Sebastian, of course," Ominis added. "But since Phineas and I cannot go together, you'd be doing us a favour as well."
The sob crawled up my throat again. "But that's exactly Sebastian's point! If I enter the Great Hall with my arm in yours, he'll think I've made my choice!"
"Hey," Phineas said softly, as both of sat on my sides, holding me up, perhaps assuming I'd throw myself on the ground. I probably would have. "It just means that we are here for you, alright?"
"If it's any consolation," Ominis said, brushing up and down my back, "Phineas can dance, so you won't be humiliated in front of our peers."
They had an answer to everything, and, it turned out, everyone who stood by me had answers to everything.
It was not the end of the world.
But it was Thursday.
I was sitting in the middle of our dormitory, with the girls around me in a circle.
"Go on! Open it!" Cressida said.
"It can't be that bad..." Natty mumbled.
"But if it's bad, we'll catch him!" Nellie assured me.
The unopened envelope in my hand was but parchment rolled, and yet, it weighed more than having Hogwarts castle on my lap.
That's how heavily Sebastian anchored in my heart.
Friday, 8 am, Feldcroft.
Seb.
I read it out loud, an attempt to prove to myself that it was, indeed, real.
"Feldcroft?! But we have Muggle Studies in our first period..." Natty mused but immediately added, "Though I believe this to be more important than classes, Carolyn."
"See?! It's not over!" Cressida reached out to squeeze my hand.
Nellie chimed in, "And if he's asking you to go to the Yule ball as if nothing had happened, you must not accept it!"
I chuckled to myself. The girls, oblivious to what led us to break up—me potentially agreeing to marry my distant cousin, his best friend—thought there was a chance he'd think about the Yule Ball. But, deep inside, I knew that the most likely thing was him wanting to end things permanently.
But I was ready to let him go.
I wanted him to be happy.
*****
The wind was cutting sharp, and grey clouds churned low over the village, making the early morning feel like twilight. Wonderful, I kept mumbling once the Floo brought me to Feldcroft.
It was definitely going to rain, and there I was, running to Sebastian just like I did so many times during 5th year whenever he sent an owl.
The leaves rustled loudly on the ground, and I crossed my arms tighter against the cold, trying to fight off the chill—it was early November and I should have known better than to skip a cardigan or cloak, so I kept lying to myself that it wasn't the weather making me shiver, but rather the week of grief I had been through.
