With Broken Wings (2013)

Wake Up Call

Oh, so I'm a bitch? If being a bitch means that I didn't want to talk to you because my grandfather had just fucking died and I couldn't handle all of your drama at that point in time then yeah, I'm just a huge bitch. Thanks for noticing.

I guess you're just too caught up in your own little world to realize that other people go through hard times too. Is it really that hard to understand that I don't want to talk about it? That maybe I'm avoiding you because I know you'll try and make me talk about it before I'm ready to? Maybe you've dealt with a lot but I know for a fact that you haven't been through this so stop acting like you know what it's like.

Stop trying to give me advice that I don't want or need. I didn't ask you to pity me or tell me that time makes things easier. Frankly, I don't care what you think because we're two different people and what worked for you doesn't work for me. Putting words in my mouth won't help either. Stop accusing me of saying things that are far from the truth.

I'm not always right and I know that, so stop acting like I always feel like I have to be. You were my friend and I've admitted to being wrong in front of you but no, I'm the bitch now because I'm not hanging onto your every word. I get that you're clingy and that maybe you can't help it but I just needed space and I told you that.

You knew me, so why did you get so offended when you should have understood that my actions were not directed towards you? I was overwhelmed and in shock, yet you blamed me for not being the best friend I used to be. Yeah, so maybe I was a crappy friend but you weren't any better. I was grieving; I literally just came back from his fucking funeral not even two days before. What's your excuse?

Had to watch your family suffer and know there was nothing you could do to erase it? Had to remember all the good times and know that now that's all gone? Had to watch your grandfather slowly waste away as the cancer ate through him? And see everyone else suffering along the way? And know that you're so far away that you missed his last moments and you missed being there to share the others' pain? No. So don't pretend you know what I'm going through. You couldn't even understand why I didn't talk to you because I had nothing to say.

If I was mad it would have shown. But instead you were too worried about yourself to even notice that anything was wrong. Yet notice how I never blamed you for any of it? But you asked me if it was your fault anyway, even though I never said a thing about it. You were the one to change the topic and then ask why we were talking about it. You were the one to accuse me of saying things I never did and throwing the blame around.

No one was to blame, no should have had to be. It shouldn’t have turned into an argument. It shouldn’t have turned into whose fault is it now. It shouldn’t have been a game. And if our friendship meant so little to you that you couldn’t even make an effort to stay or to leave me in peace instead of pushing me away then tell me why I shouldn’t be allowed to do the same?

Why shouldn’t I be allowed to give up on this when you weren't even trying anyway? And then to go around and try to steal all of my friends? You didn’t even know them until I introduced you. You never hung out with them when I wasn’t there. You barely talked to them and now all of a sudden you need to see them every day? Need to interrupt me talking to them so you can say something as unimportant as 'oh, yeah. I did that too, I got an 86 on it. Not as good as I wanted but oh well.'

Yeah, because making your own friends is impossible, hanging out with the ones you already had isn't an option? And then to go out of your way to try and talk to someone about their marks, knowing full well that they don't want to talk to you, by following them in the opposite direction from the one you always go because they're hanging out with me? That's just pathetic.

They clearly didn’t want to talk to you in the first place but yet you made the effort when you haven’t cared to even say hello to them for the past few months. What am I supposed to think? And you claim to be the better person. I think we're the same, not better or worse. We should have been even but yet you always held yourself above me because I wasn’t perfect. Well, news flash, I never claimed to be.

So I avoided you for a while, get over it. Maybe that sounds harsh but you had better things to worry about than one person not talking to you. There was no need to be childish and take my papers and wave them around when I asked you to give them back. You knew me, you knew how I don’t like having to ask twice yet you got upset when I lost my patience and told you to give them back.

You shouldn’t have touched them in the first place, you didn’t ask and you knew how I hate that but you always touched my stuff and took it without asking anyways. You knew all of this and yet you were surprised when I wasn’t in the mood to play around, when I didn’t have time to care that you were upset because I told you to give me my papers back which shouldn’t have been upsetting at all in the first place.

 Maybe if you tried talking to me instead of being rude and lashing out at me for being reclusive like I always am when I’m upset, maybe if you had seen the warning signs or known me at all then this wouldn’t have ended the way it did. But you were too oblivious to care, too caught up in your own sheltered little world to even bother trying to know me when I’d taken the time to know more about you than you knew, too busy asking me why I hadn’t noticed you were upset when I had but just hadn’t been able to bring myself to care.

I was caught up in a whirling rollercoaster of emotion. I was trying to block out everyone else's emotions around me because it was too draining to deal with on top of my own. I was trying not to feel their pain or hear about their drama because I was too emotionally unstable to want any part of it. Maybe I was blocking you out because I couldn’t handle it and maybe that's a crappy excuse but I can’t help how I feel.

I can't help being naturally empathic. I can't help grieving or being in shock. Those things are all automatic for me, asking me to just stop and treat you like you're on a fucking pedestal is like asking me not to breathe. I can't. So maybe I wasn’t a great friend to you then but I always was before. Maybe I didn’t treat you like you ruled the world like you wanted me to but can you really blame me for feeling like shit?

We all have a breaking point and I was getting pretty damn near close to mine, would you have preferred that I’d kept trying and hit it instead? Would you rather have my blood on your hands, my scars on your conscience, my death on your heart? I didn’t want to drag you into it all, didn’t want you to have to deal with my problems too on top of all of your own.

And I wasn’t ready to talk. Not everyone can express how they feel all the time, not everyone wants to. You were just too blind to see that. So when our friendship came to an end, it was your decision to cut all ties and I hope you realize that. I didn’t make that decision, you did. I simply asked for a break from your drama and you took it that one step further. You decided you didn’t want to know me.

So don’t try and act like it was all my fault or that you regret it now. I didn’t ask you to choose, I never would have. I didn’t force your hand. Free will was always yours and you did with it what you wanted. Now that decision cannot be unmade so don’t act like it was a mistake because if it really had been you would have made an effort to talk to me.

You wouldn’t have unfriended me on facebook. You wouldn’t have avoided every meeting I was at and seeing me in the halls everyday. You would have tried something, you didn’t. You still don’t. So don’t act like you didn’t want it this way becasue you’ve never done or said anything about it,or even tried to.

You just let it go like that. Two years of friendship up in smoke. Don’t try to blame it all on me, tell me you've never talked behind my back when I can hear you, or say you've never done anything bad to me when you've pushed me away more times than I can count. It takes two to tango darling, you're hands have never been pritsine.

So I’m sorry if I wasn’t there to bow to your needs twenty four seven. I’m sorry I didn’t explain point by point like you clearly needed me to. I’m sorry that I made a mistake. I’m sorry that I was grieving. I’m sorry that I was too caught up in my own family problems and personal issues to wait on you hand and foot. I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect and I’m sorry that I never will be. Some things just can’t change.