Before the sleep

Chapter eleven

Mommy

I miss grading papers. Yes, I miss the most irritating part of being a teacher. I've missed my students everyday I've been in here but today what I miss the most is the aching in my wrists as I relentlessly scribble notes on papers all throughout the evening. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night and sit on my desk with pen in hands in the little office Joseph had made for me by our bedroom as a surprise birthday present.

Joseph never understood why this type of work helped me calm down but it did. He would find me in the middle of the night and drag me back to the bed. He didn't get that I needed to do it. Grading those papers, outlining those lessons plans are the only way for me to feel like I didn't reject the medical school acceptance for no reason. When I saw a student learn, when I saw one of their grades go up, I knew it was all worth it.

I've never been that nostalgic about wrists pain and underpaid employment until I was glued to this bed and Joseph returned to work. His boss called him last week. If he didn't return to work today, they would have to give his position out to someone else. I couldn't exactly blame them. He's been in here for almost as much time as me. The world needed to go on. Especially the entertainment industry.

I'm so proud of him for pursuing at least a fragment of his dream. He was employed as a physiotherapist for a film-making company. Even if he wasn't right at the scene, he was surrounding by what he loved while still managing to be the doctor his mother wanted. I wasn't too happy about him compromising but he said it didn't feel like a compromise. He was getting the best of both worlds.

I'm brooding over being left alone in this cold empty room but I don't hold it against him. He has done everything in his power. It's not his fault I can't entertain myself. The only thing that can keep myself from slipping deep in depression and longing is somebody else's presence. Just hearing another breathing mix with mine can keep me occupy. I spend my time trying to decipher how they're dress, what they ate, and how their face has changed since the last time I've seen it.

How many sympathy points do I get now? The smallest movement can spark my interest. Anything that moves can captivate my mind. I guess that's because a bored mind is easily swayed. Alas, nobody's available. I'm alone. I thought Carmen would have showed up sooner or later. We're not exactly on the besties side of our relationship but we keep in touch and I know she's aware of my predicament.

She had call Joseph just a few weeks ago. It was a short call like all the others, just enough to get the basic information on my case. Hearing Joseph and Carmen have a conversation is like the people watching two presidential candidate in a speech battle. They're both fighting for my attention and trust while subtlety hinting at the bad aspects of the other one. They're both constantly trying to convince me how much happier I would be with them instead of the other. They both just want to win all of me without having any crumbles left for the other one. Unfortunately for Carmen, Joseph is my president for life. He won this election years ago.

Her betrayal still sting after years. It has never completely healed because I cared that much for her but she pushed the knife too far. If she had a plausible reason for throwing me under the bus, I might have been able to forgive her. We might have been able to mend things between us a little but she didn't.

I never wanted our friendship to deem to a mere acquaintance but she worked for it. It wasn't even like she earned something in return. No, she just stayed with plain bitterness and regrets. I wish she had listened to me. I wish she had took my word for it.

The years I'd invested in our friendship went down the drain the night of her much advertised date with an infamous frat boy. As if Shawn didn't teach her anything about boys who liked partying too much. Even worse, he was Shawn's cousin. I don't know how many more signs she needed to figure out what was about to happen.