Here I Am

Confessions To My Father

Watching you fade away is one of the hardest things I've ever watched. And I've seen some pretty brutal things.

I woke up everyday not expecting you to breathe again. When I watched cartoons with you every morning, as you drifted back to sleep, I feared your heart would stop beating. I found comfort in your loud, bear-like snores. It told me you were alive.

I always thought you'd pull some fight out of nowhere. Like a superhero swooping in when you're positive there's no alternate ending to the bad one you're faced with. Like a winning shot with only seconds left on the board. Like pulling the fight out of a dying man.

And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry dad. You see, I'm so sorry.

I let you down dad.

I'm not your little girl anymore. I don't deserve to be. I don't deserve you or your love. I did you wrong, I let you down. And I didn't take care of the family you left behind. Not the way I  should have.

And even if I met you now I don't think we'd have anything to talk about. I don't think we'd have anything in common. And I don't think you'd love me.

Because I hate cartoons. They're for kids, not grown stoners. And I hated the way you fixed my coffee. I always have. But I know how much you loved to fix it for me. Your two spoons of coffee, half a glass of milk, and half a glass of sugar. It was diabetes in a cup.
And I wanna go to college, something you wouldn't be able to hold a conversation with me about that even if you tried. And I know by being your daughter this may come as a shock to you, but I believe there's more to this world than smoking pott.

I believe you had more potential than that. Don't blame it on the cancer, you've been a pott head your whole life. And if that's all you ever wanted to be Dad, then great. But if not, I can't live to let myself make the same mistake.

I'll always love you, and I'm sorry for the disgrace I've put on your name. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made.

I'm sorry I didn't make the basketball team. I'm sorry I'm not a stoner. I'm sorry that I'm a nerd. I'm sorry that I stopped being a Tom boy to please you. I'm sorry I was born a girl, I know how badly disappointed you were when you found out I was. I'm sorry I walked away from your family when you died. I'm sorry that without you, I no longer belonged there. I'm sorry that when you died all my hopes and dreams did too. And I'm really sorry that I found new ones. And I'm extremely sorry for finding people to replace you.

But most of all I'm so sorry for being me, Dad.