There was just one moment, where I thought everything was going to be okay.
Where I thought it could all be fixed. That all the pain ever put upon me and her, could just be taken away. Could just vanish and we'd be fine. Be okay.
There was a time where I believed in love, in happiness and that life gives you happiness in return for all the pain and the other way around. So maybe because I got so lucky with my life. Maybe because I got famous and all my dreams were full filled. Maybe because my life turned into a dream. That life decided to pay me back, take away some of the happiness by giving me some pain. By making me happier than I could ever be by giving me her, and then taking her away from me so it would hurt as much as possible. And I'm not okay.
What people say is true. Karma is truly a bitch, a fucking bitch that will hurt you for ever single little thing you ever did wrong. Life will give you a certain amount of happiness which you will misuse and end up doing wrong things. For which karma will pay you back. Punish you, and everything that you thought was going to be fine. Will just come crashing down on you and the happiest thing in your life will be the saddest and worst thing. It's not- it's not okay.
When I lost her, that day was the worst day in my entire life. Never had I felt so crushed and lonely. Even though people said they knew what the pain felt like they didn't. I knew it wasn't true. They didn't know that it felt like having your lungs ripped out and then being forced to breathe. Losing her was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I lost a part of myself that night, that night where I saw her lay in that hospital bed. All pale and hurt, blue all over her face from all the bruises. Destroyed, and yet to me she had still looked so beautiful. I remember that heart monitor going to a straight line. Then I'm lost, lost to as what happened. I just remember screaming, so much screaming and tears. I don't know if either belonged to me, or to her parents, her best friends or even Ashton. I don't know.
I thought I would be okay after that, I thought it would come to a point where I was fine again. Where I was okay. I was wrong. I didn't ever recover from that loss. After that my life just went down hill, everything fell to the floor breaking into pieces. My guitar, which I used to tear down a wall. My mike, which I threw around the room until it was completely decapitated. And then everything else I owned until I had completely nothing left and I had to borrow clothes from Michael for weeks before I finally bought new for myself.
And even after all of that the worst part of it all was Ashton. One of my best friends in the world, who blamed this all on me and refused to ever talk to me again. I guess that was mostly because he was right. It was my fault. It was my fault that she died, that Ashton's unborn child died. The child he hadn't told me he was having with my girlfriend, until that night. I had all reason to hate him, hate him for the rest of eternity, but I didn't. I forgave him because I knew he was right. It was my fault, and only my fault. So when he promised to never speak to me again I wasn't surprised, I didn't ever expect that he would. I myself didn't even want to speak to me, but I didn't have much of a choice. Ashton still hasn't broken that promise, and it's been so long now that I doubt he ever will.
Usually, when we fought, Ashton wouldn't last more than an hour of being angry, he was too nice for that. If he could last five years I don't think he would ever give in. Letting out a shaky breath between my lips I stared up the seats in the big arena. I was standing on the stage, in front of thousands of thousands of empty seats. Seats that would never again be filled for me. I was no longer anyone, and those who knew who I was disgusted me. The only ones who didn't hold a grudge against me was my family, and Calum and Michael. No one else was left in my life.
After that night and Ashton's promise we broke off from tour hoping to be able to fix it all, but soon the news of what had happened reached out to the people and there just was no longer anyone that wanted me to be part of the band. Only my friends, only Calum, Michael and Ashton still wanted me in the band. They just didn't want it to exist anymore. So it didn't. 5 Seconds of Summer was no longer a thing, soon we were all off the hit lists, our albums out of the shops as everyone now hated me and no one bought it. At least not enough.
After that I was just a someone, another lost and broken guy trying desperately to drown his demons. Trying to stop it all from coming, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop the panic attacks, the anger or the grief, the terrible grief that still so often would run through me. Even now, after so long. Because it was all still my fault and I couldn't change that. I was the only reason we lost her, and that everything happened. The only reason everything turned out the way it did.
"Luke?" A voice echoed through the huge and empty arena in front of me. The arena that was so very dark, and I hated that. It almost made me feel worse.
"Hey, man what are you doing here?" The voice spoke again, but this time I recognized it. Recognized Calum's voice. It had been a while since I had seen him, but here he was. Questioning why I was there when the actual question was why he was there.
"Just thinking." I spoke distantly, and I was pretty sure he nodded as an answer. Even though I couldn't see, he was behind me and I didn't bother to turn around.
"Oh... are you okay?" He then asked and I almost felt my heart break into pieces at the question.
No.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
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So... That was a little thing I made while being bored. Hope you enjoyed this little thing :) Even though it was kind of sad...
