Ella.
The hot water falls against my skin in masses, the feel of it numbing my senses, becoming harsh and scolding me as I gently run the sponge over my newly bruised ribs and small cuts. My finger trails along the inside of my arm, across my new cut. I turn off the shower and grab a warm towel from my towel warmer.
Luke drove Sarah home and has been with her for the past hour. He hasn't called and he hasn't texted. My heart keeps fluttering unexpectedly.
He got a girl pregnant.
I can't do this. I run over to my dresser in a flurry and dig under my underwear to find the blade.
Where the fuck is my fucking blade?
I find it and hold it away from me. The long silver edge is old now; it's the original blade that I stole from my dad so many years ago.
I drop it to the floor suppressing the choking sob that's so desperate to escape. She could've killed me tonight. She could've sliced that knife against my throat, in cold blood, all because she lost her baby.
Luke's baby.
I swallow back the emotion and fall against the cold wall to the floor. The distance I feel to Luke right now is unrecognizable. I feel him, but I can't focus on him. The shadow of my cell phone lights up and I crawl along the floor to answer it.
"Hello." I whisper into the darkness.
"It's me." He sighs and I shut my eyes at his voice.
"Hi." I say, barely loud enough to be heard.
"I need to see you. I'm under the bridge. Come see me if you can get out." He hangs up and I stare at the phone.
******
I look him up and down as I walk toward him. The darkness is unsettling, as it's past 2am.
"Hey." I whisper and bring him close to me. My arms wrap around his neck and he holds me tightly. He pulls me back gently and searches my eyes.
"Ella..." he whispers. "This is so hard."
"What...What is?"
"I'm so sorry." His tone is sad, his eyes staring at the ground.
"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for, it was all Sarah, I'm fine." I run my fingers gently down his face and he pulls away. I frown at him and he bows his head.
"Ella.... I can't."
"What do you mean, you can't? You can't what?"
It feels like a grenade has just exploded in my body, the realization of his words, his actions.
"I can't, Ella, we can't." He grabs my shoulders and leans forward so his eyes are staring deep into mine. "I can't." He whispers.
"Luke.... Please." I pull away, and shake my head at him. "No, no, not this...please, baby, please...we can make it work. We can." I wipe my eyes and smile softly at him. "We can make it work."
"No." He replays soundly.
"Please, don't do this to me.... please." My pleas are hopeless against his tough exterior. He has put his walls up; I can feel them stopping me from getting in.
"I need you." I breathe.
"We're over, Ella." He sighs and shrugs his hands into his jean pockets, his head still firmly bowed.
My body can't take the pain. This makes the cuts feel like nothing. The depression feels like nothing. As if on cue, the rain starts.
"And so it begins..." He says under his breath.
"You're breaking my heart, I'm falling apart right here in front of you. You made me fall in love with you, and you warned me. You did." I sniff and shrug at my words. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands trying to stop the tears and their imminent cascade. I back away and hold onto my stomach. The knot is tightening with every second. "You don't love me." His head snaps up and he looks at me, his green eyes broken.
"No, no, Ella. I love you more than life itself, but I can't do this. This is for us. We need to set each other free. It will just kill us, sweetly, painfully, day by day. I can't live with that pain, Ella, I just can't."
"So you'd rather live without me?"
"If it means you'll be happy, then yes, always."
"I won't be fucking happy you idiot! I will be a shell. A nothing without you. Don't you see that? I'm nothing without you." I feel my knees buckle beneath me and they hit the concrete hard.
"Luke..." I shake my head. "You will always be a part of me. I'll forever feel you in every dream, in every memory. You're going away and I'm never going to see you. I won't be coming home, not like I should be; I can't afford it. I won't see you again." I whisper the last words and hold my head in my hands. The feeling of my body heaving, desperate for tears to escape, is making me weaker, second by second.
His arms wrap around me and he pulls me to my feet. He holds me tight against him and I listen to his quickening heartbeat.
"This is going to be the last time I hear your heartbeat, isn't it? The last time I feel you against me. Your smell, your touch...." My words just make me sob harder and his arms grow tighter around my fragile body.
He pulls me back gently and his warm lips kiss me softly, I allow his tongue entrance and his hands cup my cheeks. We kiss each other like our lives depend on it.
On us.
I pull away gently and he rests his forehead on mine.
"Love is supposed to be stronger than distance." I whisper and he shuts his eyes at my words. "This is number four." I whisper. He looks into my eyes and runs a hand through his hair.
"What?" He says his tone deep and lost. I sigh and drop my head to look at my shoes. He tilts my chin back up and runs a thumb across my lower lip. I turn my head away and breathe out deeply.
"What?" He repeats and I meet his eyes.
"This is the fourth time I have been hurt around you and every time you have saved me. But now, you've broken me, I'm broken. Nobody is here to fix me this time. Who's going to fix me?" He leans his forehead against mine.
