Back in reality Cassidy was shaken up by all the memories. He'd been clinging on to the cross for over half an hour.
Tears still ran down his cheeks, as he decided he'd been here long enough.
He released the cross, still on his knees, placed his hands together in his lap and slowly bowed his head.
"Dear Heavenly Father...
Thank you for Austin. Thank you for all the good he did in his short time with us, and I know he is with you now, and he deserves the best you can give him, and im sure you are providing him as such. I pray for strength to make it through, strength to fulfill my brother's dreams. In your name I pray, amen."
With that, he stood, wiped a tear from his eye, said, "love you brother" It was in a weak voice, but it was the best he could manage.
The sun was now rising and it began to warm up.
Cassidy set off back toward the house.
He couldn't shake the thoughts that his brothers death was his falt, he had blamed himself everyday for 2 years.
But today was different, instead of wallowing in his misery, Cassidy among the pain of depression, felt compelled to accomplish his brothers desires, to see to it that Andrea was protected, taken good care of, and happy.
And that Austin's Olympic dream be realized.
Both tasks were overwhelmingly daunting, but he was hurting to badly right now to care, although he was aware of their magnitude.
His mind was a mess, his stride was a choppy staggering limp, and breath would run short as he sobed.
But he refused to fluctuate from the steady 6 minute pace, although he appeared as he might collapse at any moment.
And in 18 minutes he had arrived back at the house, which was now stirring with half dressed runners, awaking from their slumber.
Although they lived together Cassidy had never bonded very close with them, his depression wouldn't allow it.
All except Marley, she had a kindness that none of the other runners had.
She was a truly genuine girl, and quite beautiful with wavy black hair and soft blue eyes.
They also shared a bed, though Cassidy had never layed a finger on her.
He had stopped with his old 'dating' habbits, he hadn't had sex sence Austin had died.
He did as his brother had asked of him.
The otherwise cheerful mood of the house became grim when Cassidy entered.
They all knew what today was and where he'd been.
Despite his efforts it was obvious how he was feeling.
Strangely they left him alone.
He knew that they hadn't undergone a revelation over night, they left him alone today purely out of respect for his brother.
It was common knowledge that they all hated him, and with Austin gone and Bruce in New York it was as bad as it have ever been.
The break from the jokes and the hitting and being forced to be the house bitch would have felt a relief to Cassidy but he was hurting to such a point it wouldn't have made a difference to him.
He ran up the stairs into his room, stumbling, blinded by his emotions.
He dug his hand under the matress comming out with a rather large razor blade, half of it conciled by a blue plastic sheath.
He tore of his shirt, reviling the mass of cuts and scare tissue of the past years.
He took the razor to his skin once again.
This was his only escape.
He began hacking away...
...
One painful shower later Cassidy returned to the room, Marley was sitting on the bed waiting for him.
He could see she had been crying.
Cassidy cared greatly about her, she was one of his only friends. He felt bad knowing she had been crying earlier.
She was good friends with Austin, pretty much everyone was.
Cassidy still hadn't put on a shirt to cover the mass of scare tissue he called his back, he began to head back to the bathroom, not wanting her to see.
"Don't Cassidy " He stopped in his tracks, she sounded so empty.
Just like everyone else in the house, she knew he cut.
Cassidy just didn't like the judgmental feeling of people scrutinizing his scares.
He walked over and sat next to her.
"I'm sorry " he began apologizing, he had no reason to, but his depression told him otherwise.
"It's fine Cass" she put an arm around him, careful not to touch any of his scares.
Cassidy lost it at that moment.
His head fell into his hands, he began sobbing once again.
"It's gonna be alright" There was a quiver in her voice.
When!
He only screamed it in his mind.
He knew talking like that to her would only hurt her even more.
Marley held him close, now sobbing herself.
Just as they had done too many times in the past, they sat there, Marley sobbing into his shoulder.
They went on like this for what felt like an eternity until Cassidy finally stood.
"Okay, I- I need to get ready, im g- going somewhere." He strutted as he stood, whipping the tears from his eyes.
"Where you heading?"
"Andrea's" he murmured, now facing away from her, searching for something to wear.
Although Austin was a member of the Forham Elite program, he live in an apartment downtown with Andrea.
She's continued living there after Austin died.
"That's what I thought."
"Yup" Cassidy said, turning to face her holding up a red and a blue dress shirt, gesturing for her opinion.
"Blue, a collared shirt huh?"
"Yeah" He agreed, it was uncommon for him to dress as such.
It was his brothers thing to dress like that, but it was Austin's girlfriend he was going to see, so he felt it was appropriate.
He pulled the shirt on, covering the cuts he knew Marley was starring at.
Put on a pair of tan pants on, and grabbed his shoes and socks and sat back down to put them on.
"What are you gonna say to her?" Marley asked.
Cassidy paused for a moment, pondering her question.
"I'm not really sure, just want to be with her. Make sure she's okay."
"When will you be back?"
"Not sure, probably a while."
He stood up.
"See you later Marles" he said as he walked out the door.
