Come What May | Phan

Chapter 5: What If It Makes You Sad, At Me

Dan's breathing started to calm more and he extended his neck for Phil to kiss, his hands ran over Phil's skin, just touching him everywhere, memorizing his shape with his hands, the texture of his skin, everything. Dan felt something for Phil, in this moment he could admit this to himself, even though when this calm went away he would deny it. It scared the shit out of him, he didn't understand it. It was foreign and new but in this moment he liked it, just for now.

With his hands tracing patterns over Phil's skin and the calm silence apart from their breathing, this was okay.

Phil rolled to the side keeping his hand delicately on the younger boys neck. He was afraid to break the silence, for a second this all felt so normal, just two people who liked each other. But Phil would have to face the reality sooner or later. He chose later as he leaned over to kiss Dan's lips gently.

"You are amazing," Phil said softly keeping his lips close.

Dan didn't speak just shook his head and kissed Phil again. He wasn't. He really wasn't. One of his hands moved to Phil's face and his knuckles ran over his cheekbone before he cupped the side of his face, keeping the kiss soft. He didn't want to end this.

"I love you," Phil whispered without thinking but instantly felt a lump in his throat knowing the younger boy couldn't possibly feel the same way about him.

But Phil couldn't deny himself what he felt. All he wanted was to know more about this boy and keep him close, give him sweet kisses and take him out in public. Not let this dark secretive room be the only place where Phil could love him.

Dan faltered for a second, before mumbling.

"No, you don't," sounding a little sad.

Dan didn't really understand love, and how it works, but he was pretty sure out of all the men Dan had met, Phil would be the best one to have loved him. But he didn't love him. He felt lust for him, he liked how he could move his hips and have sex. He didn't know who Dan was, hell, Dan didn't even know who Dan was anymore.

Phil knew that would be the other boy's response. He didn't expect anything else but that.

"Let me take you out then, coffee, dinner, walking, I don't care, anywhere you want, let me fall in love with you," Phil said and ran his hand through Dan's hair not looking away from his eyes.

Dan's eyes flicked over Phil's face, seeing how genuine he was, but why? Why would he even want someone like him?

"Phil... Do you know how many perfectly nice people are out there? That aren't prostitutes, hookers, whores, 'cause that's what I am, Phil. I am not something to aspire to love, I'm unworthy of any such thing," He kissed Phil again, needing to feel his lips on his again. "I'm just not the kind of person you want to love".

Phil caressed Dan's face gently bringing his face close to kiss him again.

"There is more to you then just that," Phil said kissing him more. "If it's a mistake fine, let me make that mistake myself, just give me one date," he didn't know what he was trying so much. There was nothing this boy did to deserve this devotion, but Phil just felt there was so much more to him besides stripping and sex.

"Phil, you don't even know anything about me," Dan said as he drew patterns on Phil's side."All you know is that I let people fuck me and take money for it, I take my clothes off on stage to advertise myself, basically walking around saying 'who wants to fuck me', that's my life, that's what it's been for three years. So it pretty much is all there is to me, I don't know anything else," He met Phil's eyes and for a second lost composure and looked scared. He didn't mean to tell Phil that he started this when he was sixteen either. He swallowed harshly and looked away.