Death is a Three Letter Word

Chapter 6

Him. My father.

Why is he here?, I questioned myself. But only one answer came to mind: He was drunk and on the prowl.

"Go away!" I was yelling through the door so I could keep myself safe. Even with Mark here, I couldn't face him. "You're not allowed to be here!"

"You always were a feisty one. But it looks like you have company. Who's car is here?" He sounded muffled, as if he had propped himself against the door.

"No one is here. I got a new car, that's all," I assure him, wanted to keep Matt's presence a secret; he'd get the wrong idea. "Now leave." Yet I knew my words fell on deaf ears. There was no way this man would be leaving anytime soon. I just didn't know whether he'd break in again or not.

"I'm not leaving until you open this door and have a proper conversation with me."

"You're not a toddler, you'll leave now. I have nothing to say to you. And if you break in again, I'm going to call the police. I have a restraining order, if you recall."

"Call them. I'll dial. You'll never go through with it."

"I have before."

"No, that was Ryan. You like the way I touch you, there's not going to be any cops tonight."

"You. Need. To. Fucking. Leave." I wasn't going to stand there, even through a door and take this bullshit. How dare he accuse me of wanting it, of asking for it? Where the hell does he get the balls to say that to someone? "If you don't leave in five seconds, I'm calling the police. And I have a gun now, so I dare you to even think about hurting me."

"Hey, that is no way to talk to your father young lady! Now open the God Damn door!" and then the banging began. Mark ran over to the couch, grabbed his phone and handed it to me with '911' pre-dialed. With shaking hands I hit 'call'. I had just started speaking with a woman when a window breaking caught my attention.

"He's in the house!" I cried out to the woman on the phone. "He's drunk, trying to rape me, has now broken in, and I have a restraining order. I need help now!" But she didn't seem to hear me.

"Miss, it's your father. I highly doubt he's trying to hurt you. Now, get him some as-"

"Fuck you, I NEED HELP. YOU ARE THE POLICE. GIVE ME FUCKING HELP."

"Fine, I'm sending a guy out. Just calm down, I highly doubt the situation warrants such vulgar language." I hung up after that, no longer being able to keep my cool after being accused of lying. Mark was now ushering me upstairs among the maze like halls my mother found oh-so adorable. He'd have a hard time finding us, but that doesn't mean he won't be able to.

"Sasha, I hear sirens," Mark whispered, pulling me back into reality.

"I guess it's time to face the music. Hopefully this will all be easy."

"Think again," a voice slurred behind me, as if the universe was mocking my positivity.

I couldn't breath. Couldn't move. Could not think of a way out of this situation. All I knew was that the police were busting down the door, Ryan was yelling through the house, and I was trapped in a room with my father and Mark. I could feel the floor shaking with the thunder of men rushing up and down and all around, trying to save me. But no one could save me, if you want the truth.

I woke with a start.

Next to me lay Ryan, sound asleep. I managed to slip out of bed and grab my pack of Reds to smoke outside.

After our little heart-to-heart, we did as my mom requested and took my stuff to Ryan's house so that I could actually stay there instead of pretending like I had been. I sat on the back porch, smoking and thinking about the Hennessey I would need to drown that dream. I doubt Ryan's going to be okay with me getting really drunk so soon from the "incident".  

"Hey, I thought you might've left again," Ryan said as he walked outside to greet me. Normally, he would have startled me from just showing up like that, but I was too distracted by my nightmare to pay attention. "You okay?"

"Nightmare." Then I added, "Do you think, if you supervised, I could get drunk? I... I just can't shake it." Ryan thought about my question.

"What was the dream about?"

"I was at my house with Mark alone and my dad showed up drunk, broke in, and found where we were hiding." There was a pregnant pause as I could hear, in the silence, Ryan contemplating asking me for more details. More information. More pieces to a puzzle that was long ago broken. Then.

"Okay. We can get drunk."
***
That night, no one could have saved me if they tried.

It started out as an innocent evening. We bought enough alcohol to be sent to the hospital for a nice, VIP stomach pumping. We ordered plenty of food so people had no reason to leave. And we had it on a Saturday. All in all, Ryan and I set up the foundation to what would be a very promising evening.

Our problems started when we planned for it to be at my house.

"I promised we wouldn't be there without her," I nagged Ryan, trying to do as my mother wanted me to. If I impressed her, she'd have a reason to stay too, or at least to take me with her when she travels for work.

"I know, but they're will be so many people, what could go wrong?" I looked at him like he was an idiot. "What?"

"Rape. Overdose. Cheating. Pregnancy. Theft. Kidnapping. Abuse. Fights. Cops. -"

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Ryan! You just said nothing bad happens when a lot of people are together. I was just pointing out how incredibly terrible it is that you think that. All those things happen everyday to people that think they're safe in large groups. You're never safe, and that's the truth." He nodded, seeming to understand what I was talking about.

"You're right. But we can't have it at my house, and you have the biggest house of the student body. You go to public school after all, not with those private school bitches like you should. We have to do it at your house, or we can't do it at all."

"Okay, but the second I get uncomfortable, we have to shut it down."

"Okay."

Once we decided to break another rule my mother gave me, all I had to do was to tell Julz there was going to be a party and by noon everyone would know about it. Now I just needed to get through the rest of the day without breaking down and it'll be a good night.

In all the party planning, I hadn't even thought about what I'd wear.

"Ryan, we have to go to my place really early. Like now. I have nothing to wear tonight!" I knew I sounded spoiled but if I could focus on clothes and the party, I wouldn't obsess over my dream as much. And all I wanted was to forget.

"Fine, I'll take you. But I might have to leave you there alone for an hour or so. I have to run errands for tonight. I can call Julz to come hang out. Or Mark? Or Tommy? Whoever you want, babe." I nodded. As long as I was surrounded and distracted I'd be okay.

As soon as we got to the house, I hurried upstairs to destroy my closet, while Ryan took inventory in the kitchen. We weren't there for very long before Ryan stuck his head into my room.

"Sash? I'm heading out, Mark and Tommy are on their way over. Julz will be here once she gets cleaned up from all the sex she's apparently been having today." We both roll our eyes. I don't even understand how she gets all these guys. Where do they come from? All the guys I see in public are ugly or old or both. 

"Okay, I should be fine. I'll text you when they get here."

"Stay safe," Ryan told me, but it sounded more like a plea.

"I'll be okay." I'd have to be.
***
I decided to wear red. Like a flame. Like blood. Like pain. I needed vibrant colors to refocus my worry thoughts somewhere else than on my being alone in a house I shouldn't be in. Or how real my dream felt and how it was almost like a warning.

As I started doing my makeup, I realized how hallow I looked. All cigarettes and no food really shave off the pounds. And how translucent almost never going outside has made me. I used to be 30 pounds heavier, five shades darker, and a million times happier. And as I realized how much different life could have been, I sigh. 'There's no point in thinking about the could-have-beens and the used-to-bes. It's all ancient history that can't be changed.'  But maybe that's the best part; my life can't be rewritten, but it doesn't have to continue to be like this. 'No one would even believe you or want to help you,' I tell myself like I've told myself a hundred times.

I shake my head and don't bother contouring, there isn't much there to begin with anymore. I focus on my brows, eye shadow, and eyeliner. Without thinking about it, I go with a more subtle look, opting for browns and tans over black and bright colors. No one would notice really, or maybe they would. But I don't care, I couldn't care about anything right now.

Just when I finished straightening my hair, I could hear the doorbell ringing. 'That's weird, they usually come in,'  I thought. 'Ryan probably locked the door.'  I hurried down the stairs, and opened the door to find Matt and no one. "I thought you were bringing Tommy and Julz?" Matt shook his head.

"They've been together all day, but they're supposed to be on their way by now." I hesitantly nodded.

"Well, I need to finish getting ready. So eat something or watch something. Or something. Just entertain yourself and don't break anything."

"Yes mom," he joked, but he still looked off. I almost asked him about it but chose not to. I could barely deal with my problems let alone anyone else's.

I slip into my fire engine red dress, sans bra, and stand in front of the mirror to take my look in. I stare at the face of a girl I don't know. No longer laughing with meaningless people about meaningful things, she looks tired. And over it, over everything. I stare at my dress, with it's plunging neck line and cling wrap-like fabric, and I try to imagine a time when like wasn't about being hot, and naked, and sexualized. A time when people wanted to be around me for me, and not what my money and body could do for them. I don't know how long I stood like that, surveying a dying girl I no longer recognize, but it must have been long enough for the party to start, and people to drink, and cheat, and dance, and sin. It must have been long enough for Julz to worry, and she never does, not truly. But tonight she did. Tonight, when she walked into my room and saw me staring at myself, unblinking and unmoving, I think she saw me. Saw what I was doing to myself, saw that I had no control at all, saw that I was just a body walking around, not a life. Whatever she saw, it scared her. It probably scared everyone.

"Sash?" I could hear the tremor in her voice, I think that's what brought me back. "You okay?"

"Yeah, never better." I took one last glance in the mirror to gather myself together, then I turned around. "Damn bitch, you look hot." Julz looked uncertain, as if she wasn't staring at her best friend but a stranger. Maybe she was. "Didn't anyone ever tell you? You can't look better than the fucking host!" That got her.

"Babe, I'd never be hotter than you. Now, are you ready to party?"

"Hell yes girl. Let's show them what they can never have."

Julz laughed, "They've already had me," and with that, we were busting at the seems with can't breath, crying laughter all the way down stairs. We had every eye on us, every guy wanting us, every girl hating us, and all was right with the world because we had finally graced the party with our presence. Who could've known it would be the last time?