Wasted Time

Chapter 29

Maddy's POV

It always felt a bit surreal when I remembered Chris was my boyfriend, even when we had made a whole film together, but any time I spent with him felt like the best time of my life. Living with him, doing nothing except a few interviews and public appearances, was my idea of paradise. Looking at it from an outsider's point of view, everything was perfect.

Inevitably, Ashton was still in my mind a lot of the time. I tried not to think about him too much, because whenever I did, I wanted nothing more than to get back with him, but I knew I couldn't. It was fine as long as I didn't see him, talk about him, listen to his music or think about him. I barely managed a whole day at a time.

Chris knew I couldn't stop thinking about him, but it was something we couldn't talk about. Of course we discussed our feelings with each other, but we had this sort of unspoken rule that the time we spent together was to be dedicated to being happy, and if the other person was happy we didn't bring them down with our problems. Chris was always happy; why wouldn't he be? His life was pretty perfect. It was good in some ways, because his mood brought mine up, but I got tired of having to pretend to be happy all the time, when everyone around me knew I wasn't.

"Hey babe," Chris said as he walked into the flat. He had been out all day at meetings with his manager, so I had been lonely, which always increased the amount of time I spent thinking about Ashton. It was only a couple of days since the premiere, and the memories of seeing him so recently were causing me fresh pain.

"Hi," I called from where I was lounging on the sofa. "Good day?"

"Bit boring," he said shortly, coming into the room and indicating for me to move my legs so he could sit down next to me. I snuggled into his chest as I was used to doing, but immediately noticed something was wrong. He seemed stiff, awkward and he wasn't instantly hugging me as he usually did.

"What's wrong?" I said. "Something's wrong, isn't it?" Chris took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly.

"Look, babe... I know that social media is full of stupid rumours, and has caused so many stupid arguments, but I was on Twitter earlier..."

"You didn't read anything about me, did you?" I said, frowning. "Look, whatever stupid stuff you've seen, it's not true; I'm not cheating, or anything like that." I couldn't think of anything I had done that might cause people to spread rumours online; I had been especially careful since my breakup with Ash.

The day after the premiere, there was some stuff about me and Thomas Sangster at the after-party, and a few photos showing us a little too close together, but Chris had just laughed when we discussed that. He knew that I was faithful to him, and he wasn't going to object to me having a little fun when I met new people. Plus, he knew what a big fan of Thomas I was. Meeting him had done something weird to me. Sadly, I had been too drunk at the time to remember exactly what had happened, and now I had no way of contacting him to see if we could stay in touch.

"No, it's not that," he sighed, interrupting my train of thought. "It's not really a rumour... I saw loads of pictures from the premiere, particularly that interview we did with the guys from 5sos..." I remained quiet, my desire to complain to Chris about Ashton quickly turning to a fear of a discussion about him.

"The way you looked at Ashton... I know you're not over him, Maddy."

"It's only been a few months," I tried. "It takes time, Chris, and I'm doing my best."

"I know, I know, and I think you're doing amazingly. I'm not jealous, or anything like that," he said quickly. "I just think... I think that maybe, no matter how hard you try to be over Ashton, you aren't as okay as everyone thinks you are." I felt tears welling up in my eyes as he voiced my thoughts from the past couple of weeks.

"I know you wanted to give us a try... but I can tell that I can't make you happy. You need Ashton, Maddy. I can't give you what he gave you, I'm never going to be able to fill that gap."

"But he's not going to take me back," I said, hesitantly speaking my deepest fear out loud. "What good is it you leaving me when I can't have him back?"

"There's no point in me being your second choice. A relationship will never work like that. Maybe you thought you loved me, but I think you just wanted someone to replace him. You love me, yeah, but not like that." Tears streamed down my face as I began to see things from his point of view.

"You're right," I realised, sobbing. "I'm so sorry, Chris, I never should have put you through this."

"It's okay," he said, smiling although there was sadness in his eyes. "I just want to make sure you know why I'm doing this. I'm not doing it because you're not good enough for me, or because I'm fed up of trying to support you when you still love your ex – that's not me, Maddy, I'm going to keep helping you through this no matter what – I'm doing this because I'm not the right person for you, and I'm only stopping you from finding your happiness again." I nodded, unable to speak because I was crying so much.

"This isn't me leaving your life, I promise. Meeting you has been amazing, I couldn't have asked for a better co-star, and I want to stay friends, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered. "How can I make it up to you?"

"Make what up to me?" he asked softly, brushing my hair back from my face.

"What I did... getting you into this relationship and letting you down like this... I feel awful."

"It's okay," he said reassuringly. "I understand what you were going through. You needed someone to love you, and because we were spending so much time together, it just seemed convenient and logical for you to turn to me. Plus, we were acting a couple... that always messes with people's heads a bit, no matter how experienced an actor they are." He smirked. "Anyway, how could you resist this?" He gestured to himself.

"Idiot," I said, smiling slightly.

"Hey, you know me love me," he joked. I knew his comment was supposed to lighten the tone, but it only reminded me of my confused feelings, and I began to sob again. "Too soon? Sorry," he said, leaning down and pressing a light kiss to my forehead.

"I just want him back," I cried loudly. "He doesn't need me like I need him right now. I can't do it without him, Chris."

"I think he misses you more than you think he does," he said. "He probably thinks you don't miss him. You guys just need to talk to each other, to tell him how bad it is without him, and I'm sure he'll say he feels the same. It will all work out, trust me."

"Promise?" I asked, linking my little finger with his in the same way that I used to when I was little. He wrapped his finger tightly around mine.

"Promise," he whispered.