I had a love for Arabic literature, for my father is an Arabic teacher, he used to recite poems, introduce me to writers and novelists. I grew fond of them, I loved reading and writing in Arabic, I never had the slightest idea that I would be choosing Science over Literature. It was my mother's wish and I had to grant it.
Well, who can convince a Moroccan mother that her daughter doesn't want to be a doctor or an architect!! .So, she decided the option for me. She had every right to do so because I was lost and I wasn't on my right senses; I had no dream, no goal to reach, absolutely nothing that could make me argue with her not to choose Science.
of course I felt sad at first for abandoning literature, but then didn't really care because I had bigger problems going on; how to be invisible was one of them.
My face was indeed a huge problem in high school. Karma played a role, and I was soon being bullied.. I heard the most disgusting words from people, mainly boys, and recieved the most sarcastic looks from girls. High school was officialy a nightmare!!. Therefore, I felt like I'm a sinner for God to make me go through all of this.
My only companion through the years of hell were a copybook and a pen. I used to rush home after school and lock myself in my room and start writing. I felt relieved when writing about my pain, about what they did to me, about wanting to punch them, about the things I wanted to say but never could. About how boys would point their fingers at me and laugh, and how girls would push me around like I was some ball..
I was like a broken faucet in a village, not a single drop comes when it's needed, but like a faulty faucet that works only in the silence of night. To myself, I used to write the most impressive lines but when I'm in front of people my tongue freezes.
High school was a big mess . It was hard for me to wake up every morning and go to that school. I'd cry of pain, and beg my father to change the city, for at that time there was only one high school in my city, so I couldn't change schools. Actually, not just school that was terrifying, but even the way to school. I wasn't just being bullied inside the school, I was even bullied by random people in the street.
All of that pressure indeed caused a depression, that I even had the idea of suiciding. 'Life seemed like a living hell why not having the thought of suicide' I had these kind of thoughts. Likely, I was still a believer, whenever I had these kind of thoughts I'd ask God to forgive me and to take them away.
To run from the real world, I used to sleep as much as I could, I used to create my own dreams. In them, I had a perfect skin, and surrounded by people who love me. Not to lie I used to dream about the one, the prince charming who would see through my ugly face the real me, and thus break the spell.
Yeah.. at least those imaginations were the reason I'm still alive..
