The Gray Zone

CHAPTER 36

/Jesse's POV/

I woke up at exactly eight AM and four minutes, when my little sister decided to run down the hall screaming "IT'S CHIRSTMAS! IT'S CHRISTMAS!". Still half asleep, I smiled to myself. She was the cutest. Then I also got up and yawned loudly before walking to the living room too, where Lea had already one of the packages in her hand, Mom with a big smile on the sofa.

"Merry Christmas." I smiled at them and went through my hair.

"Good morning, my Baby." Mom laughed. Usually I really didn't like it when she called me Baby, but I was too happy to be mad at her. Christmas was still something special for me. "Look, there's a big package for you!" Lea pointed out and I sat down next to her to unwrap it. That's how it has always been. Inside the box was something from the new Rhude Jeans collection, which almost made me scream in excitement. "From aunt Catherine" Mom explained and I smiled brightly.

In this regard, I was still kind of a child. Presents are awesome and I couldn't wait to give Alexis hers. Oh yeah, Alex. Not here. I tried to forget about it again but it was hard. After we had opened all of our presents, Mom was making us breakfast in the kitchen and I snug away for a moment to text my girl. As I looked on my phone I realized, that she had already thought of that.

merry, merry Christmas. I really love you.

love you to the moon and back. happy xmas too <3

After a delicious breakfast my Mother announced it'd be time to get ready for church. I don't necessarily believe in religion, but I believe in what my mom says. And she says that we wouldn't be fine without God. So I showered and dressed in and dark blue bottom down shirt and tucked it into my khakis. Usually, I'd never wear something like that but I knew it makes my mom happy, so why not.

In front of the church in another town we met a bunch of our family, some which I had not seen for half a year now and chatted before the service began. "Jesse, you look so grown up!" One of my older cousins swooned. She was about to finish college. "Can't believe you used to be that skating twelve year old kid and now. I'm impressed." "Character development. And also, tattoos. That's my secret." I snickered and then we all went into the church.

The rest of the day was just full of family related things, lots of eating and talking. The usual stuff. Mostly, because Mom and Lea seemed happy and Alex had texted me that everything was going well for her, too. I couldn't wait to give her my present. I bought tickets for the upcoming 1975 concert in LA with backstage passes and everything. The thought of her getting excited and everything made me smile to myself.

But then the younger cousins came up to me and wanted to play something with me, to which I agreed. I liked kids a lot actually, because they were still so innocent and full of joy, so we played a few board and card games, until it was time for us to go home. I looked at my phone and realized that it was ten o'clock already. Crazy how this day had just passed, I got up and helped Lea gather her things and what not, before we said goodbye to everyone with hugs and laughing.

My sister had fallen asleep on the drive back home and I didn't wanted her to wake up, so I picked her up and carried her to her bed. Watching people you love sleep is so weird. They look so at peace, yet they are so unaware of anything happening around them. When I had to yawn too, I tip-toed out of Lea's room and back to the living room, where mom sat on the sofa. She looked exhausted, but pleased with how the day went. Sitting down next to her, my eyes fell onto the picture of us three with dad, which hung on the wall right from me. I sighed and leaned a bit against my mother.

Suddenly, I felt so drained and all of the happiness was gone. "I miss Dad." I whispered and saw mom nodding. "I know. I miss him too." She said in that motherly loving tone.

The doctor had diagnosed him with a brain tumor around Christmas two years ago, a month after that they wanted to remove it, but it was too much for his body. He passed away in February, but it still hurt so fucking much. It was definitely the worst time of my live. The worst time for my family.

"I wish he'd still be here. Sitting in the armchair, talking about politics, like he used to do." My voice cracked, I felt tears running down my cheeks.

Mom put her arm around me and hugged me tightly. That felt good, but now all of the memories - good memories - came back and I couldn't stop crying. How we'd go to basketball games sometimes or when he surprised me with a new skateboard or when I helped him fixing things around the house. All gone now. Never coming back. It felt like since then, I have only become more and more problematic. I felt like that. I hated myself for that. We just sat there in silence and I cried for a while just because. I'd miss him forever. Then, when I was too exhausted to do anything I looked mom in her eyes again. She had always been strong, especially since Dad was in heaven. But the short time between the diagnose and his death has left marks on her.

"I love you, mom." I murmured. My voice was dry and she went with one hand through my hair. "I love you too, Jesse. So much."

I calmed down again and said I would go to bed now. This day had been way too long now.

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