When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 8

Yay 2 chapters in a day! By the way I found this poem online which really really suits my story. Here it goes,

My mother still doesn't know

That I sleep so much

Because I hate being conscious

My father still doesn't know

I feel distant from him

All the time

My sister still doesn't know

That I hate who I am

And I wish I could be more like her

But I know these things

And they're slowly

But surely

Killing me.

CHAPTER 8

Picking up the courage to look down at the scale, I brought my head down and slowly opened my eyes. The scale read 118 pounds.

I quickly stepped off of the scale and ran to my bed, covering myself under the covers as countless streams of tears started flowing through. It was like the number was a click to switch on my waterworks.

"Now you finally know how fat and ugly you are."

I desperately tried to block out Ana's words from going in my mind but it didn't help.  

Her voice kept going on and on without stopping.

"You are fat"

"You are worthless"

"You are ugly"

"You almost broke the scale"

"Fat bitch"

I couldn't stop it.

I went up and turned off the lights, plopping down on my bed and continued crying. I couldn't wait how this night was going to end.

---

"Unggghh" I groaned as I opened my eyes. Taking a look at my phone I realized it was 6.20 a.m. It was time for school.

I lifted the covers off me and sat on the bed for a minute or 2. I wasn't able to stand up, I did not have the energy to support myself to walk. I've also been getting fainting spells every time I stand up quickly, it's like I don't have any energy in my body.

But to get energy I needed to eat, I don't deserve food. Sighing in defeat, I used up my strength to prop myself against the bed frame and walked to the bathroom. I walked in and decided not to look in the mirror. I can't take it.

At least not for today.

Ana was begging me to just turn to look in the mirror, but for the first time I didn't listen to her. After taking a shower and brushing my teeth, I wrapped myself in a towel and went out to my bedroom.

Looking through my clothes, I decided to go for something more casual for today. I pulled out some leggings and a purple hoodie, just right to cover all my scars. I've been feeling really cold nowadays, it's like summer for other people but for me it feels just like winter. It's so weird.