The Closer I Get is the Further I Feel (Chris x Balz)

I Hate Myself For Loving you

Balz's POV
I feel tears well up in my eyes and I turn on my side facing the wall as the tears start to fall. Why am I such a fuck up? The man I loves hates me because I'm dumb and rude to him. God, I'm stupid... With the tears steadily dropping from my face, I slowly fall asleep.

The next morning I wake up and check the time and see that it's 5:37AM and sigh a bit. I get out of my bunk and slip into the bathroom. There, I look at my appearance and frown. I look like hell. Well, I might as well shower. Maybe that will bring some life back into me. I strip down to my boxers and look at my leg and wince at all the cuts. 'Luckily none are too deep. Just enough to draw blood.' I sit on the toilet seat and put my head in my hands, mentally scolding myself for everything I have done to make Chris think I hate him. I'm just so bad at showing affection, so I get scared and get mean. Which honestly is no excuse. With a shake of my head, I stand up to turn on the shower just as the bathroom door opens, I whip around to look at the person who entered and discover it is Chris himself. Speak of the devil... As he enters, he's rubbing his face, eyes barely open, but the moment he realizes someone is in here, he freezes, "Oh! Josh I didn't know you were in here, I'm sorry.." He trails off and looks at the ground, but as he brings his gaze down, he notices my thigh, his eyes locking on it. The moment I notice, I let out an awkward cough and turn to start the shower and close the curtain.

"No worries. That's my bad for not locking the door.." I say, keeping myself occupied with stuff that will keep my back to him.

"Uh.. Right.. You're good, I'll let you get to your shower man.. Can we talk afterwards though?" He asks and I turn my head and see a concerned look on his face as he peers in, almost out of the bathroom.

"Uhm.. Yeah sure, that's fine." I smile warmly and he nods once before completely leaving, shutting the door behind him. I quickly dart over, locking the door and internally groan. Great, now he knows I harmed myself. That's exactly what I needed. I shake my head and pull off my boxers and step into the shower, hissing as the water hits my thigh, but that's the price you pay for making a poor decision, I suppose.

Once under the water, I slowly go through the motions, allowing my thoughts of what he wants to talk about consume me. I really hope he isn't going to kick me out of the band. I would hate that be the result of all of this.. Maybe I can make things up to him.. I love him so much and I want us to at least be able to remain friends..

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Chris' POV 

After I leave the bathroom I stand outside of it for a moment. I can't believe that Josh cut.. He's always seemed so hard.. I can't imagine what would push him so far as to do something as drastic like that.. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize Ricky get out of his bunk and come my direction, "Hey man.. Everything okay?" He asks, worry lacing his tone.

"Actually.. No.. Here, let's talk over here.." I mutter and walk to the living room/lounge part of the bus and sit on the couch as Ricky walks over to the connected kitchen and puts on a pot of coffee.

"So what's up?" He asks as he leans against the counter, waiting on the coffee to brew. I bite my lip a little.. Rick is my best friend.. If anyone would know what to do, it's him..

"Okay so.. You know how Josh would always be kind of an ass to me.. Right?" I ask and he nods slowly, "Okay well... That shit hurts because I.. I think I love him.. No I know that I do... And.. I honestly have for a while and so the fact he's always so mean to me makes me feel as though I will never stand a chance with him..." I stop for a moment, wiping my face, realizing I had started crying.

"Tell him how you feel..." Ricky whispers, pouring a cup of coffee. I motion to him to pour one for me and he nods, "want anything in it?" he asks and I just shake my head. He smiles lightly and hands me the cup and I take a small sip and then breathe in.