"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not in my nature." - Jane Austen
~~~
Chapter 13
Sunday- October 5th, 2014
To say I felt uncomfortable about yesterday's events would be an understatement. I was confused, irritated and completely distressed.
I thought for sure he was about to kiss me last night, I rolled off him quickly and made a joke about the whole thing before insisting I needed to leave to do homework.
I wasn't sure what had gotten into Ash but he had taken things too far; I could handle his flirting on a small level but that? It wasn't okay. I felt the need to distance myself from him; perhaps some distance would be good for us. He needed to sort himself out and maybe, I did too...
So, today was dedicated to "bro time", just Charlie and I hanging out. We were currently sitting in our dorm room playing Halo 4 so intensely, as if it was a real life situation and not just a game.
Charlie growled, as he was killed for the fourth time, "Again? Shit, that bastard has to be cheating."
I joked, "Or you just suck" as I easily shot the guy whom just killed him.
He scoffed, "You just got lucky."
This continued on for an hour, with our only conversation being yelling and cursing at anyone on screen whom killed us.
After an hour, Charlie finally acknowledged me but without removing his eyes from the screen. "So you planning on moving out?"
I glanced at him in confusion, "Excuse me?"
Charlie shrugged, "Well, you're just never around anymore, hardly ever sleep in your own bed. Might as well just move in with him, right?"
I was startled by his random question; why the hell would he think I wanted to move out? I mean sure, I had been spending quite a few nights at Ash's house but that didn't mean I planned on moving in with him, especially not after last night.
I muttered, "No, I have no intentions of doing that. I like living with you. You're my best friend, man."
Charlie breathed deeply, "Well, it just doesn't really feel like it anymore. Ash has pretty much replaced me."
Charlie refused to look at me but I could practically feel the sorrow and jealousy radiating off of him. I wasn't aware that me spending so much time with Ash was actually bothering him. I mean, we were in college, we were bound to find other friends but we would still stick together, no matter what.
I paused the game, turning to look at him while he stared down at the controller in his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. Becoming friends with Ash wasn't really part of my plan but it just happened and...."
I collected my thoughts for a moment before finishing, "Look, I'll make more time to hangout, okay? I promise."
Charlie looked up at me and nodded, "Okay."
I patted his back, "I love you, dude."
Charlie rolled his eyes, "Okay, enough with the sentimentals. Shit, what's happened to us? We sound like a bunch of girls."
I laughed and unpaused the game, thankful to have that moment over with. I'm glad he brought it up though if it was truly bothering him. I didn't want to be a shitty friend to Charlie, not after everything we'd been through and after everything he had helped me with. I cherished our friendship; it may simply consist of playing video games, debating over whom was the best character in 'Game of Thrones' and stuffing our stomachs with greasy food, but I enjoyed it.
Karmika abruptly barged into the room, groaning, "I'm starving. Someone come eat with me in the cafeteria."
I stood up, "Sure, I could eat. I'll go."
We looked to Charlie whom shook his head, "I'm good. You guys go on."
Karmika and I walked to the cafeteria, while she bitch talked some girl in her class whom had gotten an STD. Karmika always had some form of gossip to tell, whether you wanted to hear it or not, didn't matter.
We stood in line for Subway, while Karmika raved about her current fuck buddy whom was a 6'4" football player. I shook my head as she told me too many details that I didn't care to know but she didn't have any girlfriends to talk to about this, so I bared with her. Usually I stayed pretty quiet while she talked on and on, but today I had something I actually needed her advice on.
So, as we set down and began to eat, I decided to bring it up.
I wiped the corners of my mouth with a napkin before clearing my throat, "So, um, something weird happened at Ash's last night."
Karmika licked ranch off her bottom lip and raised a perfectly arched eyebrow, "Oh?"
I hadn't told anyone that Ash was gay, I mean it wasn't my place to tell anyone so I wasn't sure how she would react to the news.
I stammered, "He-um-he-he, I mean, I think he tried to kiss me."
Karmika gawked at me for a moment before bursting out laughing. How was this situation even the slightest bit funny?
Karmika dramatically spoke, "Well, duh, anyone in a 30 foot radius of you guys could see he had the hots for you."
I whisper yelled, "You knew?"
Karmika nodded, "Well, yeah, it's not that hard to figure out. So what happened? You didn't want to kiss him back?"
I sputtered, "What?! Why in the hell would I want to do that? No, gross. I left and said I had to do homework."
Karmika hummed but didn't say anything and continued to eat her sandwich. She was holding back saying something, which wasn't like her.
I groaned, "Oh, just spit it out. What is it?"
Karmika sipped at her drink and then played with her straw as she spoke, "I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you were wanting to experiment...."
My eyes practically popped out of my skull. What did she just say? Am I hearing things?
She continued, "It'd be completely normal to want to try new things after getting dumped from a four year relationship. God knows, I've done my fair share of experimenting..."
I almost fell out of my fucking chair as I gasped, "You? You've hooked up with girls?"
Karmika rolled her eyes, "Oh, don't look so surprised. It's college, everyone does it at least once. I mean it's not really my cup of tea, I love dick but I mean, it's not bad."
I shook my head and began pulling at my hair as a stress reliever, "Well, that is not me. I don't want to experiment, I just want to be friends with the guy. I've tried to make that crystal clear to him but I don't feel like he's getting it. What do I do?"
Karmika held a mischievous smirk upon her face, "Are you sure you don't want to at least try it? It could be fun."
I couldn't believe what she was saying. Didn't she know me? Didn't she know that I was 100% straight? I mean sure, I had the rare moments where I found Ash attractive but that didn't mean I wanted to jump his bones. He was my friend, nothing more. There was zero other feelings there, right?
I could feel my sub-conscious laugh at me as it blabbered: then explain why your dick twitched when you were straddled on top of him, perfect position to just fuck him right then and there.
I almost vomited. What?! No. Why did I think that? My dick didn't know what it wanted, I couldn't control the stupid thing. But regardless it didn't mean I wanted to fuck him, for Christ's sakes.
I couldn't control the way my body wanted to react sometimes but I knew myself, I knew that being with a man was non-existent on my to-do list. I loved women, end of story.
I growled, "No, definitely not. Now, are you gonna help me or go on with this stupid, gay fantasy going on in your head? Don't think I don't know what you're thinking."
Karmika giggled, "Sorry for thinking it'd be hot, shit. But no, for real, sorry I'll try to help."
I sighed, "Do you think I should give him some space for awhile, let him try to get over me?"
Karmika rubbed her chin as she entered her thought world, "Hmm, that could work or you could set him up with someone so his mind is no longer on you and suddenly on someone else."
I questioned, "Like who? I don't know any other gay guys."
Karmika smiled brightly, "Oh, I do and I have the feeling that Ash would absolutely adore him." Karmika got this glint in her eye and I could already see her matchmaking skills going to work.
Karmika cheered, "Hey, and I know an amazing girl you could go out with!"
I grinned, "Really?" I could genuinely use some cute girls in my life.
Karmika nodded, "Yes! Oh, I've got to get this all figured out. I'll text you later!" She stood up to leave but not before giving me a kiss on the cheek and a loud squeal in my ear, "This is going to be great!" Then she practically skipped out of the cafeteria.
I shook my head at the overly-enthused girl. She may be crazy but she did have some pretty brilliant ideas...I think. I wasn't sure how well a blind date would go over with Ash but hey, it couldn't hurt to try.
I just hoped she wouldn't pick out fucking bimbos for us. I liked smart women, not idiots whom thought being in a sorority was the main purpose of college. Shit, maybe this was a terrible idea but Karmika knew my "type" right? Hell, after Natalie, I'm not even sure if I know my type anymore.
As I finished eating, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a text from Ash, it read: God, I hate my family. My sister posted on Facebook that she made it onto the Dean's List at Cambridge, and so my parents are rewarding her with a goddamn cruise to Sydney, Australia over Christmas break. They're all going-the 3 of them. Thanks for the invite you cunts. So glad to be a part of a family that never really gave a shit about me.
Ash had an older sister, just a year age difference, her name was Melanie. He had brought her up once, talking about how she was the apple of his parents eyes and could do no wrong. Other than that though, he never mentioned his family so I was surprised to receive a text about them. Especially after last night, he was acting as if nothing happened...maybe nothing did.
I should've texted him back, I really should've. Clearly he needed a friend to vent to about it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Until Karmika figured out this blind date situation, Ash and I needed some space.
I really needed some space; he was fogging up my better judgement, confusing me and jumbling up the person whom I thought I was. So, I ignored his text and headed back to my dorm room to spend the rest of the day with my thoughts in Halo 4, and nowhere else.
