Crazy Love Hate

Memories

I couldn't remember what I did to end up in there, but whatever it was, it must have been bad. Waking up in that particular room was never a good thing. I knew that room well. I hated that room. I hated the way the florescent lights glared into my eyes. I hated the sound of the machines hooked up to me. I hated the ultra-clean chemical smell. Most of all, I hated the memories that room forced me to remember.

The room reminded me of the best and worst moment of my life. A couple of floors above me was the place where it all began. Above me was the place where she came into my life. I had no idea that my life was about to change forever. I had no clue how much damage she would do. She was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I couldn't lie to myself, though. She was also the best thing to ever happen to me.

A stray tear rolling down my cheek was more than enough to trigger the rage festering within me. I tried to thrash my way out of the gurney I was laying on. Damn it; they strapped me to this thing, which only angered me more. "Let me out!" I roared. Wrong move on my part. Doctors and nurses came pouring into the room to hold me down, while the last doctor casually strode in and stuck a needle into my IV tube. It only took a few seconds for the drug induced feeling of calm to take a hold of me. In the calm, my memories of her didn't feel so bad. "Get out of here," I mumbled and slurred to the doctors and nurses watching me intently. "But leave the drugs."

Oh fucking well; if I have to go down this rabbit hole, I might as well go all the way, I thought. The last time I was here was very much like this one. I woke up strapped to a gurney in the emergency room. My friends told the hospital staff that it was a failed suicide attempt. I preferred to think of it simply as a failed attempt to drink my weight in alcohol – I'm sure the additional marijuana and prescription painkillers didn't help. After a long night of talking to doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists, I must have passed out. I awoke the following morning on the third floor of this exact hospital. The third floor was the psychiatric ward. The nurse monitoring me was kind enough to explain to me that I was on a two week hold; meaning, I was officially locked up.

I think I handled the news well, at first, anyway. The first day wasn't so bad. I met my roommates, Timmy and Tommy; no relation. There isn't much to say about either of them. They were both younger than me. They only spoke to me for a few minutes before drifting off into whatever world they were living in. They were so drugged up all they wanted to do was sleep all day. The rest of the day was uneventful. I went to group therapy, ate lunch, and went to more therapy. I figured the next two weeks were gonna be a breeze, that is until I had to have my first meeting with one of the shrinks later that evening.

The session started simple enough. "Name," said the shrink.

"Isn't it written down on the file?" I snidely replied.

"Name," he said again.

"I.P. Freely," I said.

"Name," he said a little louder.

"Kaden Killer."

"I think you mean Keller," he said, with no emotion at all.

"Sure."

"It says here, Kaden, that you are a suicidal, drug addicted, ex-gang member. Is this true? You don't look like much to me."

Something about the way he said that pissed me off. He must have known what my response would be. Before I could get up and take a swing at him, a bunch of male orderlies burst into the room to restrain me. Needless to say, being restrained only angered me further. I bit one of the orderlies, managed to reach out and punch the shrink one time, and squirm away from the other orderly and run out of the office.

As soon as I turned the corner, I knew I made a mistake. Blinded by anger, I forgot there was nowhere to go. I ran down the hall toward the only door to the ward. I smashed into the door as hard as I could, but my fears were instantly realized when my head split open against the door. Knowing there would be no way to escape, I banged my head against the door, leaving bloody prints dripping all over the place.