Safer with you (Nevi)

14. I'm Okay

Nate's POV

Muffled voices is all I hear.

My head is pounding, at least I can breathe.

I slowly blink my eyes open letting them adjust to the light, ugh it's so bright.

Where am I?

I feel so lightheaded, turning my head I look around. I see where all the voices are coming from, there's paramedics talking to my brother with a tear stained face. The other boys are sitting around looking worried, there's John talking to some of the crew.

No one has realised I'm awake, wait why are the paramedics here?

Then it hits me,

They know. They know what I've done. They saw me.

Before I know it I can't breathe properly any more, the whole place is spinning. I feel someone touch my arm, someone is talking too muffled for me to understand. 

I faintly hear my bake being called out, I don't know who's speaking my hands are shaking so bad.

I'm gasping for breath, someone is taking my hand and leading me somewhere.

Soundly all the noise I could hear is gone, it's a little clearer now. "Nate It's me, Luke can you hear me?"

Luke

I nod trying to feel out for him with my shaky hands, he takes my hands once again holding them close to his face. "I need you to breathe slowly for me yeah Natey? Slowly on the count of three breathe in"  he says

"One..two..three"

I breathe in, he waits a little before continuing "Breathe out, one...two...three"

I breathe out.

He stays with me holding my hand, helping me breathe. Until I've calmed down, I look down at my arms which are now covered by something I assume it's to stop the bleeding.

"Nate?" He asks and I nod "I'm sorry"

I look up confused, why is he sorry he's done nothing wrong. "I'm sorry for not being there for you, I'm sorry for not helping you, I'm sorry that those bullies and the weight of the world have caused this to happen to you"

He's slowly starting to tear up, I reach up and wipe a stray tear away but he shakes his head. "No" I say quietly my voice hoarse

"No" I whisper looking down, he pulls me into a tight hug.

"We're gunna get through this together" he mumbles into my hair

I nod gripping his shirt. No we're not, I'm too far gone..

...

I stayed with Mae while the boys performed earlier on, she didn't know what happened and I'm glad. She kinda took my mind of the whole situation with her stupid jokes and stories.

Just like I had suspected Luke wanted answers he wanted to know why I do what I do. So after his performance we went straight to the hotel and that's where we are now.

I haven't said a word since we left the venue, "Nate I know you're hurting just tell me why please" he pleads

I continue playing with the bracelets that are now back on my arms, he sighs "Natey I want to make sure that you're okay and that when I go on tour again you'll be fine"

I bite my lip before answering "I won't"

I look up to see him confused, "I won't be okay." I say quietly

I interrupt him before he answers "when you left the bullying got worse and worse. When you left I was scared and alone. When you left so did my courage. Because when you left the bullies turned from evil to monsters" I say before looking away gently rubbing over the bandage around my arm.

I hear him sniffle but I don't look up. "I know you're sorry Luke but you don't understand how much I just wanted to die when you left"

"And on top of that, I found out I have a stalker that has been sexual harassing me. So that's what's wrong Luke, I'm slowly loosing my mind" I say before standing up and walking into the bathroom locking the door. I hear him hurrying to get up before he is knocking on the door calling my name.

"I'm not trying to kill myself if that's what you're thinking"I say running a hand through my hair, he sighs and I hear him sliding down the door as I just did. 

"I'll make everything okay" He says quietly, I bite my lip"I'll come home a-and I'll stop those bullies" I stay quiet and listen to him speak. "I'll do my best as your brother to make your life worth living" I feel a stray tear run down my face, "I try because I love you Nate and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you" and there goes another "I know that your hurting just let me try and take the pain away" Tears are now freely running down my face

"my little natey" He whispers loud enough for me to hear, My mind starts racing with all over memories together all those times he used to call me 'my little natey' all those times that we were inseparable. "my big brother" I whisper closing my eyes

.

I don't know how long we spent just sat opposite sides of the door but by the time I opened the door and walked out Luke was fast asleep, I smile and quietly get changed. I hope things change for the better, wiping my face I tap Luke on the shoulder until he wakes up. He looks around sleepily and confused before realising that I'm out, he stands up quickly "Nate" he breathes

I don't say anything instead pulling him into a hug, it takes him a few seconds to register what I've done before he is hugging me back. "Thank you Luke" I say quietly and he ruffles my already messy hair.

"It's going to get better" He whispers, "My little Natey" I smile into his chest 

"My big brother" I whisper with a slightly bigger smile, this is how it's supposed to be. 

Safe, I feel safer.