You Will Find Me

Faith means belief in something concerning which doubt is theoretically possible. –William James

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*

It’s a strange thing, how the days you consider most precious seem to pass by the quickest of all. But today I feel calm, for one of the first times in my whole life, I just...feel like...well like I suppose water would feel like, it seems like all of those emotions that I passed through, all of those memories the good and the bad, are all blended together into something...almost flawless, or maybe it’s just because my body is getting ready to shut itself down, maybe my mind has managed to slow everything down in preparation of what I’m about to do.

I glance down at the kitchen knife -a blade that I have become accustom to for the past seven months- the I turned to look at my wrists, my smooth scar less wrists, I haven’t ever cut a day in my life, not from lack of trying, but I suppose it’s because I was too chicken, I could never get even the smallest amount of blood to fall, and yet here I am, with this kitchen knife...the rest of the house is asleep, which just leaves me, awake, staring at the knife.

I had watched my mother cut into raw meat with this knife, I had ran my finger tip along the sharpness of the blade, still no blood, I silently questioned how much force would need to be applied, I had hoped this would be quick and smooth, it’s supposed to be quicker than falling asleep; I kept that thought in my head as I lifted it up, glancing around my bed room, from the small golden dream catcher I had begged my mum to by for me when we went to Great Yarmouth, although the so called ‘gold’ was clearly just painted tin foil, it still meant a lot to me.

I looked at the bronze Elephant my childhood friend had brought me back from her trip to India, and I looked up at the butterflies my brother had messily pained by my ceiling, and finally after glancing around at the blue walls of my bedroom my gaze turned to the white spiralled and neatly written words in front of me, “Shot for the moon...that way, even if you fail you’ll be amongst stars.” I whispered closing my eyes.

My heart beat quickened as I placed the tip of the blade directly over the rapid pumping of my heart beat, I felt small tear drops fall from my eyes, I wasn’t sure what they were tears of anymore, I guess I wanted to believe they were tears of bliss, the kind of bliss you achieve when you’ve reached your pure simplicity of emotions, I couldn’t compare it to any other feeling I’ve felt before, it was almost as though I was breathing fresh air for the first time, in a long time.

I stared down at my hands, they were beginning to shake, but I shook my head trying to keep my focus, all I needed to do was push forward, and it would all be over, I took a deep breath and squeezed the handle of the blade and closed my eyes.

“Three...” I took a deep breath and lay back, resting my head on my pillow, my eyes flickered to my note that was peeking out from the corner of my pillow case, “Two...” I stared up at the ceiling, feeling the tears begin to pour more freely, and I began to shake with fear, some fear because of what there was after this, after my life was over, I had questioned it many time, but I simply couldn’t imagine there being nothing after this, after all the pain we go through living, for there simply to be nothing after it ends...it’s impossible; “One.” I pushed the blade forward, and shut my eyes tightly as my heart took the hit.

After that, it was just pain, just agony, as I waited for it all to end, for everything to come to a standstill, to feel my soul leaving my body, but I felt more a part of this body as ever, I felt freezing cold, and boiling hot at the same time.

I felt the blood pound against my skull, my toes curled up and my hands gripped the sheets to keep from pulling out the knife, to keep myself from going back on my decision, dying hurts, it hurts a lot and oddly enough it’s the time in your life when you feel most alive, because all your senses are on fire, your lungs are burning because of lack of oxygen, and your screaming but your senses are diming out and when finally your hearing goes, and your vision becomes darker and darker, that’s when fear strikes.

That’s the point where you feel most expose, when you can no longer see, when ever part of you begins to run cold, and it feels like that for so long you begin to question yourself on whether or not there really is anything after death, or where it’s an endless cycle of this emotion, and you can only barely focus on your thoughts because your brain is beginning to go to, you scrabble trying to cling onto memories, like your dog’s name, your brother’s face, your birthday, it’s all going until, your finally left with this small, minuscule little thought.

As the rest of your body has lost all heat, and the last tiny bit of blood come to a stop, your thought is just there, for all eternity to behold, and chances are it’s not some amazing little speech on the how life and death are so much alike, nor is it those three words, it’s most likely just a mental sigh of relief that it’s all over, before that fear hits you again, as you await to see what’s next in the after world, before everything goes black.

Above me I can faintly hear the sound of buzzing, I groan quietly and out of instinct turn my head, the buzzing sound continues only louder this time, as though it was directly in my ear, my hand gingerly lifts forward swatting it away before shaking vigorously and dropping back down to my side.

That’s when it hits me, if I just moved, if I could still hear...then, wouldn’t that in turn mean that I wasn’t really dead? Or at least prove that the afterlife was real, I try to force my eyes open, but it was as though I had no energy left in me, like I had finally fallen asleep after a long days work, and no matter how hard a tried to push my eyes open they simply wouldn’t.

The buzzing sound of course continued, soon enough it was as though a swarm of bees were buzzing about above me, I tensed up slightly as a pinching sensation shot up throughout my body, as though someone had zapped me with electricity, or I suppose I now know how a phone feels once you finally charge it after the battery dies.

My lungs began to burn again though, like I couldn’t breathe, I tried to open my eyes again, I tried fighting though the tiredness but still I couldn’t do anything, nothing seemed to working, “It’ll be over soon, don’t worry.” I heard a soft voice say from above me, although it seemed to be trying to calm me down, it only resulted in making me even more frightened, I kept trying to force my eyes open but still to no avail.

The torment was only made worse by the pressure I was feeling on my chest, I balled my hands into fists but quickly uncurled them feeling sparks fly at their tips, I shook hard before my lungs finally felt as though they could take in a small breath, I sighed and pushed my eyes open, above me there was a tall, extremely pale man, his long black hair was pulled back into a ponytail and his smile was almost dazzlingly bright, but that could be because of the light reflecting off of his tongue piercing, I blinked repeatedly before my eyes settled on his.

They were like honey really, two bright balls of light shining as he watched me, “Hello, I’m Ely.”