*major trigger warning. and btw this is heavy metal, song by bring me horizon*
Ashton:
"We all have our horrors and our demons to fight, but how can I win when I am paralyzed?"
Your hand was shaking and your breath was no longer in its steady paze as it was before. You were gasping for air, it was nearly impossible for you to keep yourself from blacking out. Tonight was terrible, your thoughts were just so loud.
It was 3 am and you felt more than tired, but you couldn't sleep. You were paralyzed, you couldn't calm yourself. You slowly got out of bed to realise that Ashton wasn't in bed. You didn't know where he was, but you wanted him to be here. You couldn't live with yourself tonight, you needed him so much.
You headed for the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of pills out of the cupboard above the sink. The cold floor underneath your feet didn't bother you, nothing really gained your attention except for the happy pills. You felt numb, but you believed that these would at least make you feel something at all. You'd rather feel pain instead of this terrible numbness, because it was horrible. You couldn't describe what you felt and you couldn't live with this feeling anymore.
To be exact, you were used to this numbness, but your demons were so loud tonight.
"Y/N?"
You twirled around, almost dropping the bottle you held in your hands. Ashton was standing in the doorframe to the kitchen.
"What are you doing?" his soft but groggy voice spoke carefully. You looked down at your hands; the right one having an amount of about thirty pills in it whilst the left one still held onto the bottle.
You didn't dare to speak up since it was obvious anyway. Ashton was suddenly wide awake and came over to you. He stood beside you and glanced at your hands and then your face which was heating up in embarrassment.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he whispered as he guided your right hand back to the neck of the bottle, so he could drop the pills back in. He took the bottle away and placed it on top of the fridge, a place you couldn't reach, before coming back over to you. You fell in his arms and slowly started crying on his shoulder.
"Why?" Ashton asked. You buried your face deeper in his chest and held onto his waist.
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help it" you mumbled through several tears that escaped your eyes.
"Come talk to me the next time, please. I'm always here for you, okay? Now let's go cuddle" he lifted you up bridal style snd carried you back to bed where he tucked you in and then placed himself on top of you so you couldn't escape anymore.
Michael:
"Don't go. I can't do this on my own. Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night, I can't live with myself so stay with me tonight."
"Michael" you pleaded. "Michael, please stay." There was a lump in your throat that kept you from yelling. Tears were streaming down your face as you followed your boyfriend out of the living room.
"Michael" you whimpered as you watched him grabbing the car keys and his phone. You two had a huge argument today which was caused by your insecurity. It was actually really dumb and really pointless, but you couldn't help it. He found out about your social anxiety, your nightmares and how much you suffered from self hate.
You've texted Ashton before since the you've been best friends with him and you were afraid of Michael leaving you if he found out. Well, your fear came true.
"Say something" you pleaded again. You couldn't watch your boyfriend walking away from you. You couldn't stand the terrible numbness, you just couldn't do it anymore. You never meant to hurt Michael, you were just scared. Scared of his reaction.
"What am I supposed to say? Why don't you just ask your best friend Ashton, the one you obviously prefer over your boyfriend!" Michael yelled at you.
His blood was boiling up in anger, his eyes were filled with tears. He stared right at you but the expression on his face didn't soften.
"Do you even get it? I told Ashton because I didn't know how to tell you! I was afraid that you would leave me if I told you! I'm sorry Michael. But this is your house, so I'll be the one leaving" you said blankly.
You were heading up the stairs as you heard him swearing to himself. "Y/N!" he yelled as he came running after you. You shoved several cloths in a bag until Michael entered the room and stopped in the door frame.
"Y/N... I-I" he stuttered and slowly came walking over to you as you broke down in tears. "I'm sorry. I don't deserve you. I'm such a terrible boyfriend. I am so sorry" Michael cried and bent down in front of you to wrap you up in his arms.
Luke:
"Tell me that you love me, 'cause I need you so much. Tell me that you need me, 'cause I love you so much. Say you'll never leave me, 'cause I need you so much."
It was 2 am and you were hiding in the bathroom. Luke, your boyfriend of one year was already sleeping while you were sitting in the bathtub, watching blood flooding out of your fresh cuts. You had to admit, you never really enjoyed the sight of blood until it was coming out of your own skin. But now, you enjoyed this sight more than anything.
The sleeves of your grey pyjamas were soaked in your own blood, but it didn't bother you. You just continued slicing up your skin with the tiny but so controlling piece of metal.
You couldn't really remember the first time you've done this, you must have been about fourteen or so and since then, you've been addicted to the sight.
Luke never knew about this, probably because when you started dating him, you tried to get over your sick addiction. You managed to stay clean for a little while, but you couldn't stop falling for the old ways. So you found yourself cutting in the bathtub with blood over your clothes.
You had been in your own little world for the past two hours and you honestly didn't even realise how long you've been in here now. But as you drew the blade across your scarred skin once again, there was a soft knock on the door.
"Y/N? Why aren't you in bed? Are you ill?" you heard Luke say.
You immediately dropped the piece of metal, but there was no use because in the next second, you already heard the door opening. Luke came rushing in to see you curled up in the bathtub with blood running down your wrists from thousands of fresh cuts that covered your body.
His face dropped and he stopped dead in his tracks.
"I-I'm... I'm sorry" you mumbled under your own breath as he came running over to you.
"I love you, Y/N" Luke said and grabbed the razor blade to break it into pieces. He lifted your body out of the tub and brought you over to the sink where he'd help you clean your wrists.
"I am so sorry, Luke. I understand if you hate me now" you muttered between sobs. You didn't want him to find out this way. This was a horrible situation. You saw your whole world crashing down in front of your eyes and you couldn't do anything about it. Luke was your world and you broke him.
"I don't hate you. I could never hate you" Luke whispered as his fingers carefully brushed over your cuts to wash away the blood whilst water was running over wrist.
After quite a while that consisted of cleaning up the mess you've made, the two of you were lying in bed again, your head on his chest as his arms firmly held onto you. His heartbeat was faster than usual, same with his grip onto your waist.
"Why Y/N?" Luke finally spoke up.
"I feel so worthless. You're the reason why I've held on for so long. I hate myself and you're the only reason why I haven't given up yet" you cried and buried your face deeper in his chest as your tears stained his shirt.
"You're not worthless, Y/N. You're beautiful and so strong, I love everything about you. I don't want you to do something so horrible to yourself because darling, you're so much more than this. I love you" he said and even though he tried to stay strong for you, you knew that there were secretly tears running down his cheeks.
Calum:
"They crawl up our beds, wrap their fingers 'round me throat. Is this what I get for the choices that I've made?"
You screamed until your chest feeling tight. You screamed at the top of you lungs and you screamed out every emotion that you've bottled up in your limp body.
Calum held onto you tight, his arms were strongly wrapped around your waist as he tried to calm you down. Nightmares were haunting you, they were destroying you because they just seemed so real and you couldn't do anything about it.
"Princess, it's okay, it's okay. I am here and I won't leave you. It's all in your head, love" Calum whispered in your ear as you pressed yourself to his warm body in fear.
His thumb dried all your tears but they still refused to stop forming in your eyes. He hugged you even tighter until you would stop crying so hard and you were finally able to properly breathe again.
"They want to kill me, Calum" you mumbled against his chest.
"I won't let them get close to you. I won't let them hurt you. They cannot harm you in any way. They're all in your head, Y/N" he reassuringly said. You nodded your head and felt him pulling the covers over the both of you.
And you were so glad to have him with you. You were so goddamn glad that you weren't on your own because you knew that you couldn't do this all alone. But Calum refused to leave you alone, because he never wanted you to feel lonely. He couldn't make the nightmares go away, but he could make you believe that the monsters weren't real and he was able to comfort you when you were usually afraid of everyone's presence.
Written: 25th January 2016
A/N: happy birthday Calum♥ (that song though I luv it)
Random fact: I spray painted part of my hair blue lol
