450 calories
Recently the effects of my diet have been catching up with me making it harder to act normal, however, this proves that my diet is working alongside my daily weight inspections. I am losing weight and, while I still wear baggy clothes to hide who I am, I feel I will soon show off my new shape. At the moment I still don't feel comfortable wearing tight fitting clothes or shorts due to my shape, the tightest thing that I will wear is my jeans and they are getting loser by the day.
The dizziness that I have been experiencing has become worse recently, now meaning that standing in one spot for any length of time has become difficult and standing up from lying down is virtually impossible. I also feel faint constantly, although I think that might be because I am so dizzy, but I am scared that I will faint at school and give away what I am doing. The worst part is the migraines; they are so painful and can attack at any moment, making it impossible to focus on any given task including school work.
The signs show that this diet is working and I can't stop now it's getting hard, because I have a list of things that I need to improve about myself otherwise I may find that I lose all those closest too me. I hate knowing that if they just find out those words, if the messenger chooses to share the information they have on me, I will be abandoned.
Sighing, I turn off my alarm and start the struggle to overcome the dizziness I'm experiencing from assuming an upright position. My head is spinning round and round, my vision is blurred and a harsh pain is piercing through me, almost daring me to try stand. Feeling the beginning of a migraine forming in my head, I fall back into bed praying that my mum will allow me to have a sick day. Why does it have to affect me in this way, I feel like the diet has taken control of my life, I feel my body has betrayed me.
"Dad!" I shout as loud as I can, but the action only furthers my pounding head, increasing my frustration.
"Yes, I was just about to leave for work, are you okay, you look like shit" My dad responds as he walks to my room instantly making me feel better. Not.
"Well thanks for asking, no my head is killing me and every time I try to get up it begins to spin." I state praying that he just thinks I have some form of viral bug.
"You get some sleep and I'll tell your mum that you won't be going to school today, but she's is on a late so she won't be around and I have meetings the entire day so I can't come home early." My Dad says making my almost sigh in relief thankful for the day off, but also the time alone.
When we get ill my mum will normally be home so will look after us and we have quite a good day, but when my dad is home you just want to kill him. While he has your best interests at heart, he will tell you to get some sleep then decide it is the perfect time to hoover.
Sighing I climb back under the covers in an attempt to hide from what is wrong with me, to protect me. I decide to try and sleep off the migraine and dizziness as I haven't been able to sleep much lately, so that may be the explanation for feeling so crappy.
Hearing the creaking of a door, I stir to see my mum standing over me looking guilty for waking me.
"Sorry, I have to leave for work now, I was just checking you were okay before I left. I will lock the door behind me, so you just get some more sleep, sorry for waking you." My mums says and I don't really register much still in my groggy sleep state.
"Wait, you're leaving already, what time is it? I thought you were on a late." I say suddenly realising that mums shift doesn't begin till 12.
"It's half 11, you have been asleep all morning, not that surprising though, you always have liked a lie in." My mum jokes as she leaves the room.
As I sit up, my migraine has reduced to become you average headache but the dizziness swarms through me, again blurring my vision, making it impossible to see. My frustration from earlier has subsided now, accepting the migraines and dizziness as a sign that the diet is working.
Lying back down, I checking the time on my phone to see that is now 11:37 and I have 3 texts waiting for me.
Hey how r u? Your brothers said u wouldn't be at skool today
I'm guessing ur asleep, but Justin has a tutoring session today so what does he need to do?
Yey! You've finally listened and not come to school, have a nice life and don't think about returning or everyone will find out about you freak show. Feel better soon.
Why can't I just be left alone for one day, I don't have Olive and Alana following me round all day today, so I have to be sent messages informing my of their feelings like I might have forgotten in the past 20 hours since I last saw them.
Sometimes I wonder if I told Naomi Kerry and Charlie what they would say, they have always been there for me since I met them, yet if they found out who I truly was, they wouldn't be anymore; I mean who would want to be friends with a freak.
Why did I have t be like this? Why me?
Ugly face
Bitch
Fat
Disgusting
Useless
Weak
Failure
Terrified
Alone
Insane
Everybody agrees
Knowing that there is a blade nearby, I start a new text to my friends in the hope that they will distract me from the craving I know have for the pain which washes away that disappointment within myself. I want to cut, I want to have that physical sign, yet I know that cutting isn't a good idea, but I can't stop. I started two days ago yet, it has taken over m lie, and the scars that line my arm aren't enough. I need more. I want more.
Skye: Hey just woken u wuu2.
Naomi: We all have frees now so we r gonna get lunch out of skool. U ok?
Skye: Yeah just really dizzy with a migraine. Enjoy ur lunch
Is it wrong to still feel alone? I love them but they're not here and as they text me I feel like I'm an outsider and I can't shake the urge to use the blade. The only thing stopping me is picturing their faces if they found out; knowing how disgusting people see it, how they see cutting as almost a crime.
Reaching for my laptop, I lookup songs to reflect how I feel as the music that I listen to is almost always able to say everything that I'm scared to admit.
Since I started eating less, I have felt more in control of my life, I have loved waking up early feeling refreshed; I have loved looking in the mirror to see the hollow spaces between my collar bone; I have loved the way the amount of fat I'm able to pull at on my stomach is reducing; I have loved the way my clothes feel lose against me now.
But, now I feel less in control of what I eat, because I can count the calories of the food I eat, I can stop myself from eating it, but, I can't make myself eat it. I no longer feel a sense of ease sat in the kitchen because I can't stand the strong odours of the food that seem to suffocate me. Cooking used to be an escape for me, even after this started, I still loved to cook because it made me feel in control, yet now the smell of the food makes me want to throw up.
However, I can't stop, and the small part of me that wishes I could is dying a little more every day, so becoming more desperate to be saved. Yet, a bigger part of me can't give up all the good things, all the changes have made me proud of my actions, to a point where I would almost be ashamed if I stopped. If I gave up.
As time passes, I continue to text my friends as the music plays, filling the room with the pain and heartbreak, yet encouragement and happiness that I need to urge myself on, and to grieve that small part of myself that I have begun to lose.
As their lunch break comes to an end, I am informed that they all have a class, so they will speak to me later, after school, in2 hours' time.
I continue to play the music, but I'm unable to find an endless stream of songs and the emotions that I have been trying to escape return in full force. I'm alone in the house, no one knows how I truly feel, how I have no one when I need them.
Slowly tears begin to stream down my face and an emotional pain I haven't felt in weeks returns as the tears flood my eyes, I reach for the only thing I know.
7 fresh cuts line my arms but the tears continue to stream down my face and the blood slowly runs across my arm. I can't fix it, I can't cope alone, but there is no one and so I call Naomi, ready to tell her everything, ready to admit my failure. I call Kerry and Charlie, I text them all, no one responds, no one is there and I can't do it. I can't survive alone.
Desperate, I walk downstairs and search the cupboards for food, for the highest calorie things I can find and I eat, I just continue eating and eating, ignoring the sharp pain from my arm, ignoring the complaints from myself. I just eat.
As I run out of food in front of me, I get up ready to search the cupboards for more, but the tears and heartbreak stops me and I fall back to the chair knowing what I have done. Knowing that can't eat.
************************************
Okay so here is the next chapter, sorry it has taken me so long and I promise to update a lot more regularly from now on. There will be at least one more update today but if I manage to do it there will be another 4.
A few things I would like to say are when I had 2 sick days last week, this is NOT what happened, just to clarify for those that know me who are reading this. Also, the next few chapters are going to be quite intense as we are reaching the climax of the book, so don't kill me.
Vote, comment and enjoy!
