Save Me from Myself

Chapter 24

Cali's POV
The weird thing about depression is that its not always there. Some days I'm happy. Some days I'm depressed. It comes and goes. Unlike many mental illnesses, it's extremely inconsistent. You never know when it'll come, or when it'll leave. Some days you wake up in tears and all you can think about is, "Why am I alive? I'm so insignificant... the world doesn't need me..." But some days you wake up thinking, "I'm so happy!!! I'm so glad I wake up every morning!" Its so weird.

Sadly, this morning I woke up wanting to die. The reason? I will never know. You don't have to have a reason to be depressed, you're just depressed. It absolutely sucks to not know why you feel like shit.

My cheeks had tears all over them when I opened my eyes. "Oh god oh god oh god..." I mumbled. My stomach felt like someone had stabbed me with a dull knife. I kneeled down on the floor and I couldn't help the tears pouring out of my eyes. "Panic attack" I thought to myself. I groaned and I started shaking rapidly. "Mother of God... CAN I HAVE ONE NORMAL DAY? JUST ONE FUCKING NORMAL DAY. THAT'S ALL I ASK. " I screamed.

Nurse Kathy ran in and helped me back into my bed, "You okay, hon?"

"What did I do to deserve this? What did I do??? I was a good person... I never cheated, I never lied, I never did anything to deserve this hell..." I sobbed.

She looked at me sadly, "Oh honey, you didn't do anything to deserve this. It just happened. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people."

I said nothing. She sat down next to me and patted my hand. "You know, someday you'll be okay. Someday you'll get better."

I looked at her and wiped my eyes, but that didn't do anything. I couldn't stop crying. "Sorry Kathy. I highly doubt that. I'm such a mess..."

She nodded, "Yeah, you are a mess. But you are still going to get better. Just wait and see. Now lets go get you some breakfast."

I groaned, "Is there any chocolate or ice cream in this breakfast?"

"Nope. I wish. But there's apples!" She said enthusiastically.

"Woo. Apples." I said sarcastically.

"Yeah yeah. Get up, and lets go eat some apples."

"I would prefer ice cream." I said groggily.

"Wouldn't we all?" She asked, laughing. She left the room and i followed her into the cafeteria.

"CALI!!!" I heard someone scream.

"ESME!!!" I yelled back. She smiled and got up from her Seat next to Joey and Layla.

"Hey stupid. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???" She yelled, hugging me.

"Huh...?" I asked.

"GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH A GUY THAT ATTEMPTED MURDER???" She asked, still yelling.

I groaned, "I don't need another lecture, I know it was stupid."

She glared at me, "Maybe you do. That was so fucking stupid Cali. Were you trying to get yourself killed??"

"No, I was trying to help Joey. Stop yelling at me Esme. We're all okay." I answered. I grabbed one of the apples and Nurse Kathy smiled at me from across the room. She'd been talking about those damn apples so much that I had a craving...

"You don't get it Cali. You're such an idiot. YOU COULD'VE DIED." Esme yelled, putting her hands on her hips.

Oh god... not today Esme...

Shit.

"WHAT A FUCKING SHAME." I yelled back at her.

Her eyes filled up with tears, "I knew it... You were trying to die.. Cali you're too young! And Yes, it would be a shame." She grumbled.

I sighed sadly, "I would rather be dead than alive, Esme..." I whispered.

Tears poured out of both of our eyes.

"Why the fuck do I even try... You're never gonna want to live... You're never gonna get out... You're never gonna get better." She cried.

I wiped my eyes. "I know..."

She looked at me angrily, "Well, I'm done. I'm done with this. I'm done trying to make sure that you're okay. I'm done with this. Bye Cali. I hope you don't die." She said, and she walked out.

Oh god.... Why do I always do this... why do I scare away people that love me and care about me.... "Esme.." I choked out, but she was gone.

I choked back a sob and ran back into my room.

I always scare everyone away... Everyone leaves me... Everyone hates me... oh god.... They all hate me, they're just being nice. Everyone is scared of me. The suicidal mess... The fuck up.... that's all that i am. That's all that i will ever be... a fuck up...

Breathe Cali. I'm fucking trying...

I sobbed into my pillow.

You're a fuck up cali... why don't you just kill yourself? You have nothing to live for. No one would care if you died. No one. No one would even notice. No one cares. They never did.

Well, now i know how Layla feels. Why the fuck do i have voices in my head? I'm not a schizofrenic.

But they're right... no one would care... No one would notice...

...So what's stopping me?
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Such an uplifting update * note the sarcasm* Well i hope it was okay! Sorry that Its extremely dramatic, but i think you guys are probably used to it by now! Thanks for reading!
♡♡Christal