Long Way Down

13

I wake up feeling sure that I made the right decision to call in sick again today, it means we can lie here for as long as we want to without rushing to get up and go.
Even just the thought of leaving him later makes me feel sick. I don't know how I'm going to cope when the time actually comes to do it tonight.
I lie and look at him as his fingers trace small strokes on my hip.
"You look sad" he observes.
"I just dreading saying goodbye to you later" I admit honestly.

His hand reaches up to my face and strokes it.
"Its not goodbye babe. I promise" he says as he kisses me and our legs tangle together. I want to question him on what exactly he means by that and when I'll see him again but I know if I even try to talk about it i'll cry so instead I grip on to his hand and let the kissing deepen until he ends up on top of me. My sadness replaced by waves of pleasure when we find ourselves getting steamy again in slow, sensual foreplay, but again he's showing some restraint even though I can tell he's desperate to take things further. Moans escaping his mouth when I touch his hardness.
"I'm desperate to make love to you, I don't know how I stopped myself last night" he tells me breathlessly.
"Then stop do it" I almost beg.
Things get heavier until eventually he makes love to me. It is beyond incredible. Loving, caring and sweet. The most intense eye contact and kisses. I tremble from start to finish and to my surprise, so does he.
I'm entirely overwhelmed by the whole thing. It was so passionate.
"That was unreal" he tells me sweetly "Theres a serious connection between us isn't there?" He asks.
I nod.
"I've never felt like that before, it's blown my mind" he tells me
"Me either i cant stop shaking" i admit, showing him my trembling legs.
He wraps our bodies together and engines our legs, holding my body as close as possible to his own.
I bury my head in his chest as I try to process the fact I've just had the most perfect sex with him. That we have this level of connection right now.
I'm overwhelmed by it. I hope and pray we can continue to have it and that once I leave tonight were not over before we've even really began. I always thought that to even just to have one day with him would be enough, to have sex with him once would be more than enough. I was so wrong. Now I've had a taste of being his girl I want to us to like this forever, but I know the odds are stacked against that.
I'm truly overwhelmed by all of the emotion and the fact th st my dreams are coming true.

"What do you wanna do today then?" He asks running his fingers up my back.
"Lets go and do something fun. I can tell you're already dwelling on the fact put have to leave tonight do come on, lets get up and get ready, we'll go out and take our minds off it?" He suggests.
I look up at him through my tear filled eyes and nod then get out of bed and head into the bathroom and turn the shower on. Pull yourself together Lauren I tell myself as I step under the powerful jets of warm water and exhale sharply trying to get a grip. I allow a couple of tears to fall and then make myself find some composure because he comes into the bathroom.
He steps into the shower with me and frowns, wiping my eyes from where the tears have left trials thanks to my mascara I didn't remove last night.
"I don't know why I'm crying, I'm just overwhelmed - happy, add, excited, scared.... every emotion all in one go" I try to explain defensively, not wanting him to think I'm mental.
"Its hard for me too you know, I love having you here and I'm dreading being alone when you go home. Im scared to be alone after rehab, if I'm honest" he admits. I look into his eyes and shake my head. "Dont say that! You'll be fine. You are fine, I promise you" I reassure him. He nods and reaches for the shower gel and starts leathering it in his hands then washes himself. I can tell he's not convinced but he's putting on a brave face. Leaving him is going to be even harder now. He looks so....vulnerable.

"Lets just stay in today, we can hang out and chill together" I suggest, worried that going out and pretending this parting isn't happening will just make it even worse when it does. He agrees.

Once we're showered we get dressed and head downstairs, get in the car and head to a cafe for breakfast and then return to the house.
We light the fire and cuddle up under a blanket on the sofa and chatter. To my surprise, he finally starts opening up to me about things I've wondered about for a long time but never thought I'd ever get the answers to. Things that i cant deny im struggling with hearing now I'm deeply emotionally and physically involved with him. Things like Larry.
I've always shipped Larry but now I've got a personal relationship with Louis my feelings on that subject are different. I don't want him to love Harry. I want him to love me.

As he explains his and Harry's very complex situation I discover that there was indeed truth in Larry. Larry Was real. I knew it!
He tells me how they got very close in the early days of the band and how that closeness developed into confusion for both of them. How the fans picking up on it only complicated it further and how management intervened before anything could happen. The intervention creating a "forbidden fruit" situation and curiosity pushing them towards each other more and making them commit into a secret relationship, question their sexuality and experiment.... Management brough in Eleanor in a final bid to end Larry....louis had to pretend he was with her. He wasn't. It tortured him and Harry. They were silenced by management so got the tattoos, in a desperate bid to tell the world the truth through the markings on their skin....
Management were even harder on them and kept them apart. They wouldn't allow them to be in interviewed together or interact much in front of cameras or on stage...  eventually it all got too much and the relationship broke down. Two years ago.
Their friendship was strained as both struggled to get over each other whilst being around each other 24/7. It really look its toll. Eventually they both moved on. Started dating other people. Harry was by now sure he was gay and dated guys. Louis realising that whilst he had been in love with a man, he still liked women. He tells me he identifies as Asexual, meaning he falls in love with a person and its not gender specific. He can love either.

It's a lot to take in and I want to ask more questions but I don't want to push him given that he's opened up to me on such a big issue so I stop myself. Hopefully there will be opportunity in the future to find out more. I'm even more disappointed that I have to leave tonight in light of this chat because I feel like we're really getting close and just as we've reached a critical point, I have to leave. I feel really uncertain as to what will happen after today. He seems interested and keen to continue our thing and he's certainly putting a lot of trust in me by opening up about things like this but as it stands were not "together". We're not officially dating. He's not my boyfriend. We're kind of nothing but definitely something. Where it will go from here is anyones guess. I hope he wants to see me again. I hope he'll want to make me his girlfriend but hope is all I have.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks sweetly as I sit quietly, battling through my thoughts and insecurities.
I shrug. "This. It's been amazing" I tell him honestly.
"It really has" he smiles cuddling me tighter. "What are you doing next weekend" He asks as I feel a wave of relief wash over me. He's intending on seeing me again then?
"Not much" I reply trying to play it cool.
"Well maybe we could do this again?" He asks. I can't hide the silly grin that spreads across my face. I don't even need to reply. My smile is returned by a smile and a nod from him.

We have the laziest day ever, kind of boring really but in the best possible way. I snuggle up to him whilst he plays on his xbox and I just enjoy being in his company for the final few hours but as darkness falls I know I have to go home. I pack up the last of my belongings and sigh as I look around his huge perfect house. Back to reality I go. Back to my ordinary house. My job. My life where Louis only exists as a poster in my bedroom wall.
I try not to get upset. It's Tuesday. I'm coming back at the weekend. It's just a few short days! But I know it will feel like an eternity.

"5 more minutes" I hear his voice say behind me as he pushes me down onto the bed and falls on top of me. I giggle as kisses me.
"Youre just making it harder now" I tell him as I fight him off. He sighs and sits up.
"I know. I'm just trying to make you laugh. You look sad" he says pulling me back up into a sitting position but cuddling me tightly.
"I'm ok. I'm just thinking about going back to shitty reality" I tell him sighing.
"Just three days then you can come back here. I'll pick you up Friday night and you can stay until sunday night" he says placing a kiss in my hair.
"I can't wait" I tell him excitedly.
"Me either" he replies. We cuddle quietly for a few minutes then I compose myself and clear my throat.
"Right come on. I need to get home" I tell him.
He sighs and stands up, picks up my bag and we head out of the house and to his car. I look back at the house as we drive away. The house filled with memories of my dreams coming true, the place where I'm pretty sure my soul belongs.