A Long Way From Home//Carl Grimes

Chapter 22 - Him

When I was younger, I used to play hide and seek constantly. I just found every single part of it amazing. But, whenever I won a round I would get scared. No one would find me for a long time. I would just sit there in the darkness and no one knew where I was. Would I ever be found? Would anyone miss me? Would I be lost forever? But, eventually, the counter would find me. They'd yell,
"Gotcha!"
"I found you!"
"There you are!"
And then I would be okay again. But, as I lay here. I don't know where I am. It's dark and I can't move. I'm unable to talk. I can hear distant sounds, but I don't know who it is. And I'm scared. I'm terrified. Will anyone find me?
I want to see Carl again. I want to see Rick again. I want to see Kat again. Jason's gone. He's gone forever. My brother. My own freaking brother. What am I going to do now? I don't even know who I am anymore. Who am I really? I'm Cassandra Marie Smith. But, who is she? I always saw myself as the kind of the girl who could take care of herself and live her own life, but then I found Carl. He changed me. I became more vulnerable. I'm not as strong as I used to be...or am I? Am I stronger than I was? Carl showed me a new version of me. A better version of me. Before him, I was lost. Lost in that room of darkness before someone finds you and brings you into the light. I had lost my younger brother James and that broke me. He was all I had left. He was just so young. He couldn't live in a world like this. Dang. I can't even live in a world like this. It's crazy though isn't it? How one day I was alone and then the next I found a family. Rick, Carl, Judith, Carol, Michonne, Beth, Maggie, Glenn, Daryl, and so many more took me in. They fed me when I was hungry and gave me water when I was thirsty. Carl and I met and instantly clicked. It was like I found a new best friend, but that evolved into something else. Something new. A beautiful something. He pulled me out of my dark place. We started dating so fast. We barely knew each other, but at the same time, we did. The prison went down, we lost each other, and then we found each other again. I found my love. Love is the key. It's the key to that light. The light that pulls you out of the darkness.

-

My eyelids flutter open and a rush of fluorescent light bursts around me. I squint against it and take slow, shallow breaths.
"Carl-" I begin to state, but my mouth is as dry as a hot, summer day. I feel pressure against my hand.
"Cass." Something blocks the bright light. But instead, bright, blue eyes look at me. They're shimmering with tears and have a sort of fog over them. His face is red and puffy, I hate it like that. It breaks my heart.
"Water." I choke out. He runs out of my view and comes back seconds later with a cup of water. I sip it lightly and suddenly, my body feels light. It feels fresh.
"Cass don't talk. Please."
But I have to. I have to know what happened. I look at his face and take in the details. He has many bruises and scratches on it. What did he go through?
"Carl." I say. It was more of a weak whisper. I bring my hand slowly up to his face and rub my thumb over the scratches.
"What...happened?" I ask, slowly.
"I just had to take out a few Saviors. I'm fine." He let's out a little laugh and wipes his tear with his sleeve.
"Geez. I'm sorry." He states.
"Carl why are you crying?"
"I thought I was going to leave you." He says, crying harder.
"I didn't want to die Cass. All I could think about was how I had to make it back to you. I couldn't leave you." He says, crying more. I give him a weak smile.
"I wasn't gonna let you leave me again." I state. He brings my hand up to his face and kisses it. That cheesy little kid.
"What happened to me?" I ask.
"No one knows. You just blacked out after...well-after..."
"After Jason died." I finish for him. He nods slowly, looking into my eyes to make sure I'm fine. As long as I don't think about it, it's okay.
"Are you feeling okay?" Carl says, clearing his throat, obviously changing the subject.
"Yeah. I think I was just dehydrated." I say. I begin to sit up and my vision's a little fuzzy, but I'm fine. Then I remember something:
"I found Liam! He's shot!" How did he get shot? I never heard anything go off.
"I-Is Liam okay?" I ask quietly. I'm scared to even know.
"He's okay. He just got a little beaten up. He didn't get shot..just stabbed. But, in the shoulder. So he's fine." Carl states. Thank god. A weight lifted from my shoulders. It would have been my fault if he died. I'm the one that brought him with me. I should have made him stay.
"My dad wants to talk to you." Carl says, gently. Great. Please tell me he isn't going to yell at me for not being careful. Carl puts an arm around me for support and we leave the room we're in. It looks like it's in the infirmary. We walk down the street and head over to Carl's house.
"Wait, Carl?" I ask.
"Yeah?"
"Does Kat know...about-"
"Yes. You need to talk to her."
I take a deep breath and reach for the door handle now. Carl moves his arm and grabs my hand instead.
"Hey...uh...Rick?" I ask awkwardly.
"Cassie!" Rick says in his thick, southern accent. Suddenly, Rick comes sprinting into my view and I'm engulfed in a hug. I'm a little surprised.
Don't be surprised you idiot. Hug him back! He's proud of you! He's thankful! Show him that you care!
I hug him back strong. Thank god he's okay. I wouldn't be able to do this without him either.
"Thank god you were there! Oh thank god!" He says, hugging me tighter.
"Okay dad, I think she's had enough." Carl says, laughing lightly. Rick lets go and looks in between Carl and me.
"Go have fun you two. You've been through a lot these past few days." Rick says, ruffling Carl's hair. Carl smiles, an actual genuine smile, one that I haven't seen in a while. We walk around Alexandria, taking in the fresh air. But, I know I need to go see Kat. She's probably devastated and she has no one to talk to. I tell Carl where I'm going and I take, long, slow steps towards Kat's apartment. I open the door and find her sitting on the couch. Her cheeks are stained in tears and her eyes are red.
"You're okay." She says, slowly. She's completely zoned-out and her eyes stay fixed on a lamp next to her.
"Kat, I'm so sorry. I tried-"
"I know."
"I really did. I know how close you two were. I just-" and then tears are running down my face. I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes.
"Come here." She says, moving over. I walk over, sit down, and she pulls me into a hug.
"I know you tried your best. You always do. You loved him, we all did. He knows that." She says, crying again.
"D-Does Beth know?" I ask quietly.
"Yes. She's handling it." I just sit in silence with Kat. If I had waken up sooner that day, would I have seen Carl's note and gotten to them faster? Could I have saved Jason?
"Do you want to live with me? I don't want you to be alone." I say.
"No I'm okay. Thank you though." She says. I nod and begin to slowly get up. Kat lays down on the couch and I walk out. That was terrible. I feel terrible. Everything is terrible. I've lost three siblings in two years. I can't handle it anymore. All of this loss...it's too much. I begin to walk to the hill. The famous hill where I go when I don't know what to do. When I'm lost, or when I'm hurt. It's my place. I climb it slowly, but surely, and take a seat at the top. So much loss surrounds me. I can't take it anymore. What if I lose Carl? It'll completely break me. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes and I put my head in my hands. There's that gosh dang darkness again. I'm just hiding. Hiding myself from everything else. Hiding myself from the world. Suddenly, I feel someone sit next to me.
"Cass...?" I look up. There he is. Carl. The boy that could break me in an instant. He looks hesitant, like he's scared to touch me. He slowly puts his arm around me and pulls me closer. I lay there in his arms, feeling completely safe from the rest of this terrible world.
"I know I don't say it enough, but I love you, Carl." I say quietly.
"Cass, I love you so much more." He says. We sit in silence after that, but it isn't an uncomfortable silence, it's relaxed. We're both just taking in one another's presence. After almost losing him, I know how much I need him. He's my savior, my light. He's the reason I'm here today. We both just sit there, watching the sky explode in color and my darkness flows away.

-

HEYHEY HERE'S ANOTHER CHAPTER FOR YA!