The Summer Sun Awards: Contestant Entries

Entry 11: Falling Apart (C)

Title: Falling Apart

Author: TheNinjaSkittle

Genre: Romance/Thriller

Tags: Hearts Go Thumpin' and Spoopy

No. of Published Chapters: Ongoing, 6

(Note: from now on, Reads and Votes will be recorded at the numbers they were at when the book was first entered.)

Reads: 238

Votes: 43

Summary:

As Lily, a so-called normal girl is about to graduate and start her so-called normal life, everything falls apart.

Blatantly accused of the murder of her parents, Lily is thrown into a world of chaos, where people believe her to be mentally insane.

As she is forced into an institute where secret experiments are being carried out on its patients, all she wants to do is leave so she can prove her innocence.

With the help of her boyfriend Cameron, it seems possible.

But what happens when she finds out that someone, somewhere, wants sweet revenge?

She can't hide forever.

Admin Rating: 8/10

Recommended For... mystery fanatics, fiction obsessors, back-room romance lovers, and EVERYONE. I love this author, and their work is fabulous, so do go check 'em out!

Notes:

What a great prologue! It's so captivating and definitely got me thinking, "What just happened?", which--although it can sometimes be a bad thing--was well-used and artfully crafted in a way that left me craving more. Your sensory words were some of the best I've seen, and the simple, yet meticulous, feeling that your writing had was unbelievable. Only one spelling error (which I assume was due to fast typing) and two or three spots where you forgot a space before a period or colon.

Second chapter (squeals in excitement because you got an editor): The second sentence is a bit iffy, though. "She couldn't remember what she was doing five minutes ago, where she was or how did she get there." The bold type would be "how she got there," because you're writing a) in the past tense and b) a statement, as opposed to a question, which is the form in which you wrote the statement.

Twice, I've seen that you've used "being" where it's unneeded. This happens to me with "that," but for future reference, see if the sentence still gets the point across without "being," and if so, take that sucker out!

In the sentence, "Cameron promised as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to himself." If I am correct, this sentence is grammatically correct, but the flow when it comes to "to himself" is a bit awry. Your editor should take no offense, but maybe find another editor, just to see what changes have been made.

During her conversation with the interrogator, I've noticed something a bit huge, that doesn't have to be changed since lots of people don't know the inner workings of murder investigations, but I don't believe interrogators are allowed to say "we know you did it" because that would make whatever the "criminal" says next target itself at that accusation. If that makes sense at all.

Incorrect usage of "fastened." The spot you used it, it should be "quickened." "Fastened" means to fixate into a specific position.

I love the usage of flashbacks. It's giving the reader things to know about what Lily's life was like, and gives the audience a character to side with.

I apologize for not having time to do the first three, but I believe my critique of the first two is thorough enough for improvement purposes. :)

~Lilia