well don't
think yourself
too special,
now
as if i ever
thought myself
at all
myself
myself
myself
i hate that word.
almost as much
as i hate the words
you said to me
it's not about you.
it's about me
and my unending
self-hatred
because i never
said "i'm special."
it was never even
implied
because the words
"you're too nice to me"
were not meant as
"you adore me"
because i never
expected you to
see it as a metaphor
for self-confidence
and to me they
only meant
no one should be
so kind to me
to me, they meant
that your time
should have been used
elsewhere
to me, they meant
that you're nice to
everyone and maybe
you shouldn't be
i don't understand but
don't think
don't think
don't think
i won't think
because you said
not to think and
i owe you
i owe you too much
to think about
my words and
your words
because you
listened to me
even if i never
deserved it
because you saved
my life even if i
didn't want it
anymore
you said not to
think but it's so
hard not to because
of the implications
the implied
doubt in my
self-hatred
was an insult
i don't take pride
in many things
but i take pride
in that feeling
i never thought
you were showing me
any special treatment
and i thought that was clear
because i
fucking
said it.
i said that i knew the
only reason you listened
was because you
were obligated to
i know i'm stupid.
but not so much that
i couldn't at least see
that you don't care
you never cared about
me, you cared about
human life and the debt
you owe to it
just like everyone else,
you don't care about the
people, you care about
the shared oxygen
but don't think yourself
too special now, i would do
this for anyone
as if i didn't know
it already, because
you have the same
exact mindset
the same feelings
as any other humane
organism would
and so do i
i would do the same
for anyone. someone
as shitty as myself
would do the same.
so don't think yourself
too special, now.
it hurts doesn't it?
because the truth is,
most people's greatest
fear is that they
aren't special
but i guess you
didn't read between
the lines before
you pressed "send"
you didn't think
thus, the advice you gave
me, "don't think" wasn't
really advice
it was you reminding
yourself not to think
because thinking is
too much of a chore
apparently to help
people is human decency
but to think before you
speak is not
let me give you some
advice, the best way to
help someone is to
think before you speak
every word you say has
the impact of a lighting
bolt hitting standing water-
it travels.
and trust me when i say
i don't think myself
too special, now.
