Songbird

Save Me- BTS

(lyrics translated from Korean to English)

(trigger warning? maybe?)

I want to breathe, I hate this night. I want to wake up, I hate this dream.

My door is locked, my headphones on, the music blaring in attempts to drown out my own thoughts.

A couple of times an hour, my mother would hesitantly knock, asking if I needed or wanted anything.

I would just ignore her. I could just imagine the hurt on her face when she didn't receive an answer, and her padding away, in her pale blue slippers she always wears.

But I didn't care.

It's been exactly four hours and seven minutes since I received the phone call from her mother, since my best friend was found dead.

Since my best friend had committed suicide.

My chest hurt to a point where I couldn't breath. There was no point in trying though, since all of my motivation was gone.

The floor under my feet had shifted to a point where I didn't know how to stand, and I didn't understand where I was supposed to place my feet. Every step I took, the ground shifted even more, making me dizzy and confused.

Everything about this feels like a dream, a made up scenario in my head, a nightmare, and if I pinched myself hard enough, I would wake up. And Annalise would still be alive, with me.

But I had pinched myself too many times to know that that's just a lie. There were small, round, dark pink marks running up and down my arm to prove it.

Why is it so dark when you're not here? It's dangerous how wrecked I am. Save me because I can't get a grip on myself.

I'm a mess.

She's the reason that I'm a mess, she's the reason I'm in this hell hole.

I know that I shouldn't be blaming her.

But how could I not? She's my best friend, and after spending almost our entire lives with each other, she decides to throw that away.

But at the same time, how could I blame her? She was depressed, fighting long and hard against a battle that, in the end, she lost.

She had surrendered.

Now, I'm here, being forced to live without her, being forced to grieve, sitting huddled on my bed, my arms wrapped around my own torso in attempts to hold myself together.

I could feel myself sinking into the dark, murky waves. I could feel my breath begin to leave, I could feel the waves threatening to pull me under, I could feel myself drowning.

And I let it happen.

I allow myself to drown in these dangerous thoughts.

I hate the fact that the last words she ever said to me were "I'm fine".

I hated how I knew that she, in fact, wasn't fine. I knew that expression on her face.

But I didn't do a single goddamn thing about it.

Another thought occurred to me, another sad, crushing thought; What if this was my fault?

What if, because I didn't have the courage to tell anyone that she needed help, I'm the reason my best friend dead? What could I have done to stop you from leaving me?

Another wave of sobs rack through my body as those thought keep pushing into my mind, deeper and deeper into the black waves. I try to fight against them, to swim upwards towards the air, towards the sunlight, until I didn't have the energy to swim.

Give me your hand, save me, save me.

I could have saved you.

I could have saved you.

I knew that your salvation is a part of my life and the only helping hand that will embrace my pain.

Why did I go to her when I was sad? Why did I tell myself that it was her comfort I desperately needed? Why didn't I think that, maybe, she needed comfort more than I did?

She was in more pain than I was.

And I piled more bricks to her already fragile shoulders.

Listen to my heartbeat, it calls to you whenever it wants to. Because within this pitch black darkness, you are shining so brightly.

It takes me a moment to realize how bright my room actually is. None of my lights are turned on.

So I scoot closer to the window, realizing that it's from the full moon, gazing over the trees at me, Moonlight spilling onto my comforter.

I remember how Annalise, when she was little, used to believe that, when you died, you went to the moon. Just like the man in the moon.

I allow a small smile to show through the tears that continue to fall. Maybe she finally did go there, and is looking over me now.

I grip onto that thought, like a child with a teddy bear, as I gently take my headphones off, and lay back down onto my pillows, bringing the large and squashy blanket over me.

My tears gradually slow, until they dried all together, leaving my face sticky, leaving me exhausted.

Thank you for letting me be me, for helping me fly, for giving me wings. For waking me from being suffocated. For waking me from a dream which was all I was living in.

My smile widens a little.

The memories of Annalise and I being together, playing games, going on adventures, suddenly run in circles in my mind.

She was one of the best things in my life, and she had shaped me into the person I am today.

Of course, I realized how grateful I was for her, that she stayed by my side when I was upset, or for when I needed to tell her an outrageous story.

I never had the chance to thank her.

So, I sit up again, peering out the window where the moon still shone, as brightly as it was before.

And I whispered "thank you".

The stars around her twinkled.

Of course I was sad.

Of course I was mourning.

But I still loved her, with all of my heart.

Thank you.