Drug references so don't read if that bothers you. I don't own anything. THIS IS THE EDITED VERSION
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It had been... John couldn't remember how long it had been since he had watched his best friend, Sherlock Holmes, fall from a building to his death. John didn't remember much that had happened after the fall. For a while he'd been in constant emotional agony. He barely ate; every time he would try to image of Sherlock's body would flash into his mind and his appetite would vanish. He barley slept either, but when he did he had nightmares. It was always the same one: Sherlock would jump and John would run towards his falling body, trying frantically to catch him. Every time John would miss just barely and his friend would hit the pavement directly beside him with a thud. John would drop to his knees and hold Sherlocks hand in his own and Sherlock would speak, using all his remaining strength to say, "John it's all your fault. You didn't catch me." Before his head would roll to the side and blood would start pouring out of him until John was forced to leave Sherlocks' side so he wouldn't drown. As son as he let go of his friends lifeless hand the blood would start rising faster and John would struggle to stay above the surface. The struggling continue until he woke up. The simple solution was to avoid sleeping. That was before he discovered the pills however.
After a few months the pain had become too much for him. That's when he started taking the pills. They were self prescribed and he was well aware that he didn't need, but he wanted them, he liked them. He liked how numb they made him fell, how the pain floated away a bit. Sometimes if he took enough of them he could forget the whole thing ever happened and he could pretend that Sherlock was just out working on a case. (Of course the git had just taken off without telling him or even leaving a note.) He was vaguely aware of Mrs. Hudsons periodic visits. He didn't like when she came because he had to pretend like he was sober; if she found out she would try to help him. John didn't want help, he didn't need help he told himself. He was a doctor, he could handle it. Whenever his landlady seemed to be in a chatty mood he would pretend to be asleep because he knew if he had to say more then a few words they would be slurred and incoherent. He didn't go to the clinic anymore, though that wasn't necessarily his choice. He had been caught stealing some pills, but by the time that had happened he'd stored up on enough of them to last a while. Being fired was good though because it meant he didn't have to go anywhere. He got by on the biscuts Mrs.Hudson brought by and somehow his bills were always paid. Mycroft was likely the reason for this. Or maybe his bills weren't paid and Mrs.Hudson was just too kind to kick him out. He didn't think about it much; it hurt too much to think most times.
John continued this way for almost half a year, constantly numb and almost completely unaware. He tended to stick with the same few types of pills because he knew his limitations with them, but one morning when he woke up from another dreamless sleep and went to take some pills and he realized he was out of his favorite ones. He picked up whatever was closet to him and flung it across the room with an irritated scream. He downed a handful of whatever pills he'd happened to grab quickly because he was feeling angry and not numb. He needed to feel numb again. He sighed in content as the numbness returned. Something like a smile flitted across his face and he sat on the ground because that's where he landed when he stumbled and fell.
It didn't take John very long to realize something was wrong. He was unbearably hot and his limbs felt like lead. He suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. He tried to stand but he stumbled and fell again, face first, to the floor. He lay there, in his own throw up, unable to move at all. He struggled to keep his eyes open, but he couldn't. He was barely conscious when a loud thudding sound filled his ears causing tears to leak out from under his closed eyelids.
__________________________ post-reichenbach makes me sad. I don't know why I wrote this :/
