Have you ever thought about getting married?
That's the question that spikes your interest and causes you to roll over in your boyfriend's arms as the two of you lay in his bed after a long day of classes and practice. You can't keep the smile off of your lips. "Well, yeah. I am a girl, after all. I think we've all thought getting married," you reply.
"Tell me about your dream wedding," he says simply, playing with the ends of your hair.
"I really want to get married in the spring, when all the cherry blossom trees are in bloom. It'd be an outdoor wedding. The alter would be under one of the cherry blossoms. It will be a fairly small wedding, just some family and friends. My dress will have lace and be so beautiful that it will cause my mother to cry when I try it on for the first time."
"What about your groom? What's he like?" Sugawara asks.
"He's perfect. He's everything I ever wanted. He has the most beautiful smile and he understands everything about me. He makes my days brighter and he's my best friend, so I know he'll always be there when I need him," you explain, a small smile playing at your lips, trying your best to describe the young man in front of you without giving too much away.
"It sounds like a beautiful wedding," he whispers, brushing your cheek softly with his nose. He breathes in your flowery scent, the scent that calmed him so much when his day was not going how he had hoped. He can feel the soft tickle of your lashes against his skin. He's been aware that this was something he dearly wished to have for the rest of his life since the beginning of your second year of college together.
You hold onto his hands, the hands that have been worn by years of playing the sport he so dearly loved. They were hands that you wanted to hold forever if the world would allow it. You desperately didn't want to live in a world where you were not allowed to call Sugawara Koushi yours. You needed to be able to see his smile and hear his voice and watch the way his face scrunched up when he laughed.
"Can I ask you something else?" He asks after the room is filled with silence for a few moments. You just nod. Sugawara leans over the edge of his bed, pulling out a shoe box that he had filled with things he couldn't bring himself to get rid off, a few medals, some old photos from high school, and so many other things, but you notice something different in the box. He picks up a smaller box out of the mess of things before pushing the shoe box back under his bed. Suga sits cross-legged in front of you with the box in the palm of his hand. His teeth have captured his bottom lip and he can't meet your eyes.
"Koushi," you say, lifting his chin so he's looking at you. You watch as he takes a deep breath and gives you a smile that makes your heart melt.
He starts to open the box, but then he shakes his head, "No, I need to do this properly," he mutters to himself. He stands up from his bed, pulling you with him so you're standing in front of him. He takes one of your hands in his and sinks down onto a single knee, his hazel eyes never leaving yours.
Your eyes widen as you look down at him and your mouth hangs open. You see him smile in amusement before lifting the lid of the box and showing you a small diamond ring that he had once told you belonged to his late grandmother. "I want to be the groom at your dream wedding. We've been together for almost five years and I want to be with you so many more. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" He asks, looking up at you with hope filled eyes.
Have you ever thought about having kids?
Koushi asked you this on your fourth wedding anniversary. It had been over a beautiful dinner that he had prepared for the two of you so you could both spend the evening at home, especially considering that you both had work in the morning. The question nearly caused you to choke on your wine.
The subject of kids had been something briefly discussed when you two were still dating and had never really come up since. You both just really enjoyed the company of one another and, up until now, didn't want it to be interrupted by a baby. You were aware that kids had been something that Koushi did see in the future and he was aware that, while you were hesitant, the possibility of children was something you were open to.
You were unaware of what to answer in this moment. Yes, allowing Koushi to be the father of your children was something you had thought about. But, were you ready for locking in your fate as a possible mother? You weren't really sure.
You took one look at his face. His eyebrows were knit together, trying to read you, trying to figure out if he what he had said had been to sudden and abrupt. Should he have just kept the thought to himself for the moment and shared the desire with you later?
The look in his eyes was nothing but love and that was what brought your answer from your throat. "I want kids." He recoiled back at your answer, completely prepared for rejection, so your approval came as a shock to your silver-haired husband.
"R-really?" he stuttered.
You nod, standing up from your chair. You grab him by the tie of his shirt, tugging him softly up so he can stand in front of you. You stood up on your toes, connecting his lips with yours. It was perfect, as always. The kisses that you and Koushi shared never failed to disappoint you. It seemed like every kiss was the first. You always felt your heart skip a beat when his soft pink lips made contact with yours.
You pulled him down the hall, untying the tie, and hanging it on the doorknob of your bedroom. You back made contact with the sheets and Koushi hovered over you, placing gentle kisses along your neck and down to your collarbone. He was never one to take things quickly in the beginning. He wished to savor every moment he could as his lips met your skin. He enjoyed watching the way you would close your eyes and hearing you curse softly when he did something you enjoyed. He wanted to prolong those moments, proving to you that every touch, every kiss, every movement, was meant to bring pleasure to you, to make you feel the love he held for you.
Have you ever imagined living without him?
No. You honestly didn't. You weren't sure you could manage in a world where Sugawara Koushi was non-existent. And the fact that that world was upon you, shattered your world into a million pieces. You barely kept yourself together as they lowered the dark oak coffin into the ground. You six-year-old daughter, whom looked exactly like your deceased husband, clung tightly to your hand, tears streaming from her large hazel eyes, knowing, and at the same time not, that her daddy would not be coming back to her.
When the breaking news came across the television that Tuesday morning, you had been tucked away peacefully in your office. Your co-worker ran in, not saying a word, just grabbing you by the wrist and pulling you down the hall to the break room.
The others on the floor were gathered around the small TV, watching the news channel as the news anchor continued to fill new viewers in on the events. "-student has opened gunfire on hundreds of innocent students and faculty in a Miyagi prefecture high school." That made your breath catch in your throat. Part of you was being reasonable. There were many other high schools in the prefecture. You didn't know that it was Karasuno, the high school where your husband had taken up a teaching and coaching career. But, if it wasn't, you doubt your colleague would have dragged you away from your work.
"-over thirty victims in the past two hours. Authorities are currently trying to locate and apprehend the shooter. There seems to be no real target, just random killing. We will fill you in on the current situation at Karasuno High School as the information comes in."
You're unable to move. You're pretty sure you stopped breathing at one point. There were only thirty dead. You didn't know that Koushi was one of those thirty. He could still be alive. But, Koushi wasn't the type of man to sit back back and watch it happen.
It wasn't until the following day that the names of the victims were released. You had been home, watching the late night news after putting your little girl to bed, knowing the truth before even seeing the list. He would've had someone contact you, no matter his condition, if he was alive.
You couldn't bring yourself to cry. Everything hurt too much. You just felt empty. Your brain wasn't working and you were pretty sure you passed out for a moment, because when you opened your eyes, you were lying on floor with an awful headache. What were you supposed to tell your six-year-old when she asked you when Daddy was coming home? How would you explain that Daddy wouldn't be coming home? How could you break her heart like that? How could you break your heart like that?
This was the first time you cried since the incident. You passed your daughter off to Koushi's parents after they gave you a tight hug, his mother's eyes stained with black eye make-up. You had told them that you wished to stay back for a few minutes and to take your daughter with them. You watched them walk away, their granddaughter holding onto their hands between them.
You turned your back to them, walking back to the gravestone that had Sugawara Koushi etched across one half and Sugawara Y/F/N across the other. You knelt down the best you could in your black dress and heels, running your hand over the date as tears fell down your face, soaking into the freshly refilled hole.
"You weren't supposed to die yet. You promised that we would be together forever! You promised you'd walk our little girl down the aisle on her wedding day! It's not fair! You can't leave me! Not yet!" You yelled at the headstone. The tears fell even quicker down your face. "Koushi, I miss you... It's only been a few days, but, God, I miss you. I miss your smile and your eyes. I miss how warm your side of the bed always seemed to feel. Our baby girl doesn't have her daddy anymore and I don't have the love of my life. I need you. I can't do this b-by m-my-" you couldn't finish your words, they got caught in your throat and a sob took their place. You covered your mouth with your hand, clutching onto the fabric of your dress with the other. Your whole body ached with sorrow and the intensity of your sobs.
You're not sure how long you were there, but your sobs finally began to turn into muffled sniffles. "You know how you wanted another baby, Koushi? Guess what. We're pregnant," you mumble, running your fingers over the curve of the marble as you stood from the grass, not even bothering to worry that you now had grass stains on the front of your dress. "Bye, sweetheart. We'll come see you every weekend, okay?" You smile sadly, walking away from your deceased husband for the first time.