lull

The Beginning

7th grade, middle school, all finally seemed right in the world. I had good friends, good grades, great teachers, my athletic seasons were going great. It was all coming together. the guy I liked, liked me too, I was popular, I had the best friends anyone could ask for., it was truly perfect. Until a change that I wasn't aware of happened. I started getting quite, I didn't participate as much in class, I wasn't as committed to my sports. Things I held onto where slipping away and I didn't even realize it. I don't know why it was happening or what caused it, it just happened. And then, I became sad. I remember sitting in my room one night, I was supposed to be asleep, but lately falling asleep was harder than usual. I was sad, and angry, and stressed, I can't remember why or if there even was a reason. I needed to get the feelings out and next the thing I know I'm trying to find something sharp. I tried the tip of a pen that had run out of ink, a nail file, the edge of a CD, scissors, but nothing cut the way I needed it to. I took a wooden pencil and took my scissors. I cut off the medal end of the pencil and flattened it out, then, I cut myself for the first time. After that it became my release. I had to do it to get away from my feelings, the physical pain took away from my emotional pain and that's all I needed, so that's all I did.

I don't know how she knew or why she knew, nor do I ever want to know or even care. But somehow she knew, and that's what started it all. It was just another slow day at school as I stood in the lunch line with my best friend to get food. as we made our way to the front of the line she turned to me to whisper something to me and as she did, my whole world, everything that held me together, came crashing down."I hope you keep cutting and go kill yourself."