My Story.

Chapter 20

That one guy i want,

That one guy i want

That one guy who probably doesn't want me.

Yeah, you know, Derek. What's so wrong with me? Am i that clingy, i sure as hell sound like it.

Yeah, finnaly got him to talk to me, i simply asked

" why do you ignore me.."

I got the response;

" because i think to much..."

I was so confused.. I asked

" and?.."

He responded yet again,

" i read the story, my portions caught my eye"

I attempted to act stupid hoping to get more out of him,

" which story..."

I knew all along he was talking about mine. But i got this rather then a - yours- response

" This is how I see it...

I'm a second choice. He hurts you, I make you happy. He says he loves you, you go back & leave me hanging. Aannd repeat... Even worse I remind you of him somewhat... I thought my hugs were special & I had no conflict but now I see there's a bigass conflict & I have no chance in it... A fight I'm bound ta lose. I gave up... A while ago I read it. I've been distant yeah but now you know why. Things may have changed I dunno. Maybe.... But right now I see it that way. Outside I look happy, talking to friends & shat. But inside I just think of how terrible a person I am."

Stunned i knew i had to really tell him how everything went in my head because i really don't want to lose him. I responded

" Honestly there's a lot i dont mention, i knew you were bound to read it, you knew i liked you from the start, but you were like him, that's when i realized it and became distant, i forget about him a lot, i gave up today, i just said i was a second choice too, because I'm always there when you need me and you give me the attention i crave, that's why i only wanted you... Ask elain.. I was on the verge of crying because i didn't wanna let you go... you mean to much to me..."

I didn't get a response and i still haven't

i just wish that i wasn't so easy to give up on but when nothings right with yourself it's almost like an only option, there is no try agains there's a get this right or never come back.

I actually convinced my mom to move, we've been looking for houses in Lake Elsinore i actually find tranquility there, seeing the cranes, and sea gulls all in unison with eachother.

Today my family left to the lake to check out a house but lucky for me no guys around no people. I find amazement that no one is social with each other. I love it.

But i don't want to leave, but if Derek doesn't want me, what's the purpose of staying in the high desert?