I may look happy, but honestly dear, the only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear.
I started to get use to Aiden being with me at all times as they had moved me to the psychward of the same hospital. but every chance I got when he wasnt in the room I would reach underneath my as I had put a piece of cardboard from my tissue box there and I would look at it and slid it across my wrist knowing I wouldn't do no damage I just liked the way it felt against my wrist because they had cut my long nails while I was asleep to make sure I wouldn't try and digg my nails into me.
I hurried up and placed the cardboard back underneath me as I heard the door opening. I looked over after I sat up against the wall in bed in an Indian sit. Aiden walked through the door. "When am I getting out of this hell hole." I asked him bored as anything.
"No time soon if you don't try to ge better.... By the way your dad called and said for you stay with your sister for a while because hes upset that your here." He said to me. I snapped my head up and glarred at him.
"That dick weed isnot my father and he never will be my father is dead....But thanks I didn't want to go back right now anyway." I gave a weak smile
"Did you get my iPod atleast" I asked him looking down at my arm which now was unwrapped as I played around with the scars and scabs that I had now.
He smiled and handed over my iPod. I grabbed it and unlocked it and went to my music and played some BMTH Chelsea Smile. while it played I screamed along to it. I found out when all the bad stuff start my only escape was to sing and scream which I was actually good at both. Aiden smiled at me while I was singing well screaming I should say. I looked up at him noticing that there was a slight resembilence between them pretty much he look like him but he didnt have all the tattoos.
I looked away from him and 2 minutes later the song ended and Don't go came on and my eyes started to tear up.
"What's wrong. Are you ok." he asked through the music.
I looked away from him and stared down at the floor. I started to whimper as the tears fell down.
"Shhh it's ok it's ok." he cooed to me then came and sat next to me with a hand on the shoulder.
I flinched away from him. Not knowing what to do I stood up walked over to the dresser/book self in the corner and climbed up and sat on the top curled up in a ball.
"You know you'll get in trouble if they see you doing that." but he climbed up with me anyway and just sat there.
I looked up at him then just put my head back again "Do you even care? seriously no one cares so why should you act like it?" I asked him lifting my head a little.
"Yeah i actually do. I understand i know the hurt and no one deserves that." his voice made it sound like he meant it.
"How much do you know about me exactly?" I asked him looking over at the corner.
"Well i know your mom died 12 years ago. I know you live with your step-dad which you hate. I know you almost killed yourself. I also know you feel like you can't trust anyone and that no ones there for you, Also more is going on than your telling us like with your life." i was shocked with how much he payed attention to me.
I looked at him shocked and then looked back down turned myself around so my feet were hanging off and jumped down. "You shouldn't know that much about me."
"Why not. I'm suppose to help you and the best way to do that is to get to know you. That means i have to listen and learn exspecially learn."
"Well I don't deserve help okay." I grabbed some clothes and went toward the bathroom after slipping the cardboard piece i hid in the dresser part in my pocket unnoticed and walked into the bathroom.
"Why dont you deserve help what have you done that was your fault?" he called after me.
"I just don't okay!" I slammed the door behind me and locked it. I turned on the shower and striped down looking at myself in the mirror at all of my bruises.
"Hey i'm just saying everyone deserves help i would know." he yelled throught the door then left. I'm guessing to go get his own therapy. He had told me earlyer that he had problems like me to and showed me his arms once again but this time there were fresher cut's. I dont get it if he's aloud to cut why can't i? Oh yeah he probally hasn't tryed to kill himself. That thought perked a interest in my mind has he why is he even here if he's not completely over cutting? All good questions.
I got in the shower and 30 minutes later I got out and changed into my dropdead teeshirt and some sweat pants and brushed out my hair and walked into my room and sat on my bed.
"Hello?" You clothed? Don't want any flash's." he laughed
"No i'm a nudist i'm never clothed." I rolled my eyes and pulled up my hair exposing my newest tattoo I got just a couple days ago which was a rose with angel wings.
"Ok ok don't get you panties in a twist." he laughed "Nice tat." he looked at my neck.
"Kind of hard when its a thong there already up my ass." I said laughing hard for the first time in forever.
"TMI!" he almost yelled " So you sa'll good?" he asked intentivly
"Oh you know you love it, and yeah I guess" I said the shoulder of my shirt started to fall down exposing a bruise that hadn't healed yet.
"Yep toatly." he laughed then saw my shoulder "Hey!" he ran over to me "What happened are you ok?" it sounded like he actually cared.
I pulled it up quickly "I'm fine" I looked away from him and down at the floor.
"No your not. Please don't lie to me it won't help anything." he sounded so sincire.
"I don't deserve it ok" I laid down on the bed and turned away.
"Every one does even if we dont think so please tell me ps your getting my help eather way." he had a bit of a smirk.
"I don't have to accept your help though" I said while rolling over in my bed to look at him.
"Hmm then i will have to earn your trust." he stoped and laughed thev looked into my eyes " you can trust me but you might fall in love just so ya know."
"Well I never had before and my friends are pretty hot so nice trying" I said laughing alittle.
"Did i just see a smile? Oh my gosh is the world ending or something cause she just smiled call the presses!" he smiled.
"its possible that I can smile" I looked down shaking my head.
"Well i havent seen it." he looked down "Your smiles very pretty ya know."
I blushed trying to hide it from him not wanting him to see "No it's not why do you think that" I asked looking up at him holding my checks with my sleves because they were to long.
"It just is." he kept his head down and he blushed "I dont see people smile around here."
"Well its hard to most of the time it hurts worse to smile than to cry." I said looking back down and sniffling.
"Thats only because you let it." he took my face drying a tear falling "Learn to stop it from hurting."
"Nothing ever stops the pain" I let one tear fall and and tried to stop myself, but I couldn't.
"Yes there is a stop to it." he put his arms around me and just held me there "There is a stop for hurt you just need to find yours. the kind that doesnt self harm ya know." he looked at me lifing my chin.
I closed my eyes so I didn't have to let him see my pain. "How I don't see it ever stopping" I said still having myeyes closed shut tight.
"It will will you trust me and i can help it get better. I promise if you give me your trust you wont get hurt." he was looking away when i opened my eyes to see him.
"How do I know that though i've only known you a couple of days." I looked at him waiting for him to look back.
"Because i know what if feels like to have your trust hurt." he looked down and his eyes closed. "No one should feel that especially people like us." i thought he was about to cry but he didn't he stood up and started to walk around.
I stood up and followed him "Whats wrong?"
"I was hurt a while ago and it took me a long while to trust anyone. I had no one but myself and barely myself most of the time. No one should go through that." he didn't meet my eyes.
"I'm sorry, if I tell you something you can't tell no one and I mean no one. Got it?" I went infront of him so that he was looking at me.
"I promise I wont tell anyone." he gave a smile.
"I don't wanna go back home it's bad there I can't take it no more, but at the same time if I leave others will be hurt also." I looked down at the ground
"What do you mean others will get hurt. Why is it bad." his words came out rushed.
"He's crazy okay he's not a good man like he tries to pull it off." I turned away from him walking towards the bed and fell onto it face first to hide my face.
"Why haven't you told anyone people can help we can get you out of there you don't have to.." he stopped and walked over to me he pulled my shirt down just enough to see the tip of the bruise on my shoulder. "Did he? Does he?" he couldn't finish his sentence.
"You promised you wouldn't tell." I looked at him and pulled it back up then put my face back down.
"I promise I won't but if he hurts you you don't have to be with him you could stay here of wit your sister or with... me" his voice faded away his kindness shocked me and his anger for my step dad did to.
"He's my legal guardian I have to go through the courts for that to change and I can't do that." I looked at him and sat up and sat indian style on my bed as I did before.
"You don't understand how precious and beautiful you are. You shouldn't let people hurt you. It's like getting a coat for winter and cutting the sleeves off something beautiful and warm just got ruined" his eyes filled with sorrow and hate and something like love or compassion.
"I'm nothing I don't deserve your compassion okay. I like it, but no I don't need it I've lived with it long enough it just seems kind of normal now." I looked down twiddling my thumbs around.
"I'm sorry if things haven't been working out but if you would put effort into helping things get better they would I'm doing my part weather you like it or not now it is your turn and you can't get out of it." He sounded a bit upset but I don't know why I'm nothing special just a girl who almost died there's a lot of those to.
"I'm going to bed, Good night" I said looking away from him and I started to realize what I've done. I've just told someone about what happend. What the fuck is wrong with me. I cant believe myself! I started to scratch at my scabs and scars on my arms. Not knowing what else to do.
