Never Give In

nearing the end

It was nearing the end of the school year and my scars have gotten better and I quit cutting. All the kids in my school started becoming more friendly and they liked me more. They said that I was a different person and that they liked it. They said that even though I was still into the same music and style I had to completely different personality and it was just different and they liked it was much more friendly. But what they didn't realize was that the smile that I had on my face every single day was a fake one. After a while I didn't even know how to smile for more than 2 seconds. It was like I had lost this feeling called Happiness that's still a stranger to me now. This feeling that I had had for many years and my life had just decided to up and run away from me like you didn't want me anymore. Or even it was that I decided to up and run away from it because I felt like I didn't deserve it. My friend Caleb ended up having to cut his hair because he cut it his wrist again. His dad said that it was because he was this so-called stereotype called emo and that was what was forcing him to cut himself and make himself seem so depressed. I just remember running up to him one day and pulling him to our lunch table. He didn't want to sit with us let alone see us. I hugged him and I said I won't make you sit with us but I want you to know that no matter what we will always be friends of you regardless of how you look or how much you've changed. He started crying and hugged me back and said I think you so much because you're such an amazing friend even though you don't know it. That kind of made me feel better but at the same time there were still a lot of doubt and myself that he was just saying that out of common respect. At this point I had lost the majority of my friends. Most of them was just because of me changing but I was of them were for different reasons. I enjoyed the band at the beginning of my 6th grade year. We were doing pretty good we had a couple of albums also no one ever heard them because none of us thought that we were very good. Not only that we didn't think that we were very good but within the two years that we were together we still didn't come up with the name. Nearing the end of my school year one of my bandmates Jacob committed suicide because his mother had died in a car crash. I was so upset that I didn't even know what to do with myself. My friend Shay who I've been trying to set up with my friend Atreyu suddenly felt like she shouldn't be with him anymore. She said that she didn't want him to be forced to do anything at that moment because he knew that him and Jacob were best friends. I told her tell you about her decision and he was very thankful. Around the end of the school year a lot of things started getting really stressful. I started becoming quiet again I wasn't as friendly as what I am used to be. A lot of the friends that I had made during the school year suddenly started fading away because they said that I had changed and that I was just too quiet and they couldn't stand it. They said that they didn't like how I started treating people differently due to how I felt. At points when people would make the stupid derogatory term jokes I would just look at them and give them this look like what the f*** is wrong with you. I was usually pretty okay with it but for some reason it just got on my nerves all the sudden. One night I remember being at home in my uncle John coming to my room and looking at me and saying hey what's up BMO. I looked at him and said in the most hurt we possibly could get out of my room I don't ever want to see you again. He immediately went to my mom and told her what I just said. She came to my room and yelled at me for saying that to my uncle because he called me a derogatory term. I didn't say that I was sorry in fact I said that I was happy that I said it. At that point I started becoming very disconnected with my family friends and Society. My mom thought that I was naive and like nothing had ever happened to me. But it was solely because I never told her anything. One night I walked over to her and I said hey Mom you want to know something? She said what? I said the only thing I remember from my childhood is you and Dad fighting and you telling Dad to get out and then you telling me that my father would never be coming back. And then I said on top of that I didn't even have a childhood because I had to take care of my dad because you were never there for me. She was so heartbroken that she told me to get out of her room. I immediately regretted saying it. That night I went to my room and I cried myself to sleep. I had bottled up so much for so long that I didn't even know what real pain even felt like. I didn't even know what a real smile or even happiness felt like at this point I was so upset with myself and I just hated the world.