Unclassified

Lost and Self Conscious

I easily began to get lost in the huge house. My anger was quickly diminishing and being replaced with confusion. "Jess wait! It's okay, I can handle my own problems! Jess!" I ignored Colton's voice behind me, but eventually I couldn't find my way out and just let him find me. I had such a pathetic look on my face that when he found me he laughed. "I got lost." I said, defeated. His award winning smile grew. "Yeah I got that much. Come on." He extended his hand to me, that's the second time in a few weeks he's tried to hold my hand.

"I can get around without a hand to hold, thank you very much." So I strode past him with confidence, leaving his hand empty, but I didn't know which way to turn. "Ummmmm....." I put a finger on my chin. Colton's voice sounded behind me. "I'll show you the way out if you hold my hand." His words were said in a very flirtatious tone and I didn't like how it made me feel. "No no. I can do this."

But I couldn't. I walked around that darned house for ten minutes before giving up. I didn't even find Daniel, who I was looking for in the first place. And Colton trailed behind me like a puppy the whole time. In a hallway bathroom, I accepted my defeat, my head hung in shame. "Okay fine. I don't know why you want to hold my hand though. I have guitar fingers." I self consciously rubbed my thumb along the callouses on my fingertips. "Well, it's like you said a few weeks ago, maybe I'm developing a crush on you." But the smile on his face told me that wasn't true. "Yeah right. Just give me your stupid hand, butt face." It was clear that I was annoyed by this, but that didn't bother him one bit. He slid his fingers through mine and placed his palm up against my own.

He began to lead me through the house. As he touched me, my hand lit up with electricity. It felt like the lightening I was afraid of that streaked through the sky, instead in my hand and spreading through my body. I didn't know whether or not I should be afraid of this kind of lightening.

He didn't keep his hand still, he used his thumb to explore my long hand. If I was being honest I didn't mind it, so I said nothing as we went down countless hallways and turned countless times. Then, out of the blue, he just says, "I like your hands. All the female hands I've held are small and dainty and soft. I like your callouses and I like the small hint of roughness on the heel. I like how your hand is long so that it fits into mine better." This stunned me to a point where I almost stopped walking. Never did I think someone could compliment like I do. I like to look for the little things that people don't really notice and talk about how I like them. And he was doing the exact same thing.

"Well, um, thank you." I brought some sarcasm into the mix because that's my defense mechanism for when things get awkward. "I'm rubbing off on you more aren't I? I say things like that all the time, so I've definitely left an impact." I try to look him in the eye to change things back to a joking manner, but he keeps a light smile on, stares straight ahead, and stays serious. "I like that about you too. You notice little things in people."

He looks at me then, but I look away, blushing. "T-Thank you." He slows us to a stop. "Sorry, I don't want to make you uncomfortable." I slipped my hand out of his. "It's fine, really. I've just never really been complimented like that before." Something dawns on him then, and he keeps quiet. Colton grabs my hand again and leads me to his room. I start to go to the patio to leave, even throwing out a, "Well had fun with you Dixon, hope we can do it again sometime", to lighten the mood, but he grabs my shoulders and hold me right in front of him.

"I get it now, I understand. You hide under a mask of confidence but you're actually extremely self conscious. You've never thought of yourself as very pretty have you?" I looked at the ground, feeling like a child being scolded for dropping something. "Well? Have you?" His grip tightened on my shoulders. At that moment I put on my confidence mask and looked him straight in the eye. "You're right. Okay you're right. I've never thought of myself as pretty, never ever. Sure my mom told me once or twice and my friends tell me all the time but I don't believe them. I have so many flaws and look at all the girls I can compare myself too! Long, thin, flowy hair that dances in the wind and light laughs with adorable smiles that only take up a quarter of their face. Dainty little thighs and small little waists and what do I have? None of that. I'm an average girl with plain features and that, Colton, is why I don't consider myself pretty."

I clenched my teeth on the last sentence, bearing them. I pushed his hands off my shoulders and walked away before he could grab me, jumping through my window. "Jess! Jess wait! I have something to say to you!" He called. "No thanks. But I appreciate the compliments." I grabbed my guitar and left my room, slamming the door behind me.

By my oak tree, surrounded by cherry trees I laid on the ground and stared up at the sky until the sun set and I could see the stars. In my head, I pointed out constellations that John taught me, and I relaxed.

I heard heavy footsteps approaching, and I knew who it was. "I told you John, I'm going to be a while." But John didn't say anything, just sat by me in the grass. Only when I saw the blue in his eyes sparkling in the night did I know it wasn't John. I sat up and scooted back. "Colton! W-What are you doing here? How'd you find me?" I saw his shoulders shrug as he stared up at the sky. "I followed the instructions given to me by your brother. Turn left at the tree with both of your initials, and go straight until you hit the one dead tree in the field. It's dead because there's a big cardboard box under it that prevents it from growing roots. The box contains items for the baby that was meant to come after you, another mistake, and never did. When you hit that tree go right for a while until you see the tree with all of the lower branches broken off from when you tried to climb them as a kid. Turn left and find the oak tree."

My jaw nearly hit my collar bone I was so shocked. He glanced at me, catching my expression. "John thought repeating those instructions to you would help you trust me more. Especially since he heard what I had to say." I rolled my eyes. "Look Colton I don't want that, 'everybody is beautiful', speech."

I laid back down, hands behind my head, and stared at the starry sky. "I wasn't going to tell you that you were beautiful." He said from his spot on the ground. I shrugged. "Good." He sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees. "I was going to say you are unique. You can't control your thick hair, your laugh is loud and rambunctious, and your smile reaches your eyes. And that, to me, is attractive."

I said nothing. Not a sound came from my lips. He laid back down, and together, we appreciated the stars.